Is this in my imagination? If not what's going on?

[PinkGrapefruits]

Has anyone experienced a 'friendship' with another female which has become tricky? I don't know if I'm imagining all of this or what it means.

I regularly spend time with a particular group of couples, all friends of DH. Two of the couples are gay men, and the other couple are straight man and woman. I have always got on with the man really well (DH's good friend) and was introduced to his younger female partner a couple of years ago. Since then we've all had various nights out, dinners and weekends away.

I didn't spot it at first but for the last 6 months or so I've had an increasingly bad vibe from the woman. I noticed she has behaved in ways which I started sensing were odd. Eg asking me a question and then a few words into my answer turning away to chat to someone else. She likes to play 'games' when we go out or have dinner, like truth or dare drinking games. I'm not that comfortable with it but she always instigates it. I try to avoid involvement but I feel she relishes it and watches my discomfort. It is difficult to pinpoint evidence for this, but it's my strong gut feeling.

She is also coming across as what must be competitive about appearance. Twice now we've been to different events where the dress code is ambiguous. Both times she has told me she is dressing down or not making an effort and then turned up dressed to the nines. Again, I know this could just be coincidence.

On the last occasion to a party we are attending, she told me she had bought a new dress to wear and even showed me the picture. She then asked me what I was wearing and I said a jumpsuit. On the night she turned up wearing a jumpsuit. Again, I am aware this could just be my imagination running wild but I feel like it's intentional. I've no idea why she would feel competitive with me as I'm much older than her, happily married etc, no competition to her whatsoever.

I also notice she likes to be very chummy with the other couple, (which is fine) but a bit territorial about it. Recently I was having an interesting chat with one of the guys and she came along and sat in a chair nearby. She was looking at her phone but I had the strong sense that she was pretending and was really listening in. Then at a particular moment when I said something she leapt up and shared an in joke with the guy I was talking to. They laughed and then she continued to talk only to him about this new topic so that I was physically excluded from the conversation. In the end I just walked away.

Finally, and this is weird, she absolutely loves make up and especially lipstick, it's a favourite interest of hers. I have quite nice make up but nothing special, but I have a collection of make up bits in my dressing table. One time round at our house for dinner she asked if she could use my bedroom to do her hair as she'd come straight from work. I said of course, and set her up at my little dressing table and plugged in my straighteners for her. For some reason I had a funny gut feeling not to leave her alone, but I disregarded it. The next day when I opened the drawer I immediately saw that my make up had been rummaged around. I knew this because I had been a total nerd and cleared out and organised the drawer only the day before and now everything was all jumbled as if they had been rummaged through. Now I know it's not a crime to rummage through make up but I did wonder if that was weird or was I imagining it? And I did think it was a bit inappropriate?

As I said, I am unsure because there's nothing concrete to go on here but it just all seems odd. I also have no idea why there would be any tension between us as our partners are such good friends and I really like the rest of the group. I'd be interested in others interpretations of what's going on. Thanks! Xx

I would keep my distance from her. She sounds like an insecure , and feels intimidated by you. I would try to limit contact with her, avoid her if you can.

Agree, disengage, no need for drama or negative behaviour in anyone’s life.

I don't think you're imagining it, there are too many things. Telling you she has bought a new dress and then turning up in a jumpsuit is not something you can imagine.

I'd lso guess it stems from a place of insecurity, it may be because there are only two women in the group and she weirdly views you as some sort of competition and wants to 'win' by dressing 'better' than you, excluding you from conversations so she is feels more accepted than you. She is being fairly subtle about it so you cant challenge it without her denying it and making you the bad guy.

I would speak to your husband about it. Only because it's nice in those situations to have someone looking out for you and feeling like someone is on your side if you're frozen out of conversations etc.

Be polite and civil otherwise she will paint you as the bad guy. But keep her at arms length and don't trust her. Check everything she says eg if it's a mutual friends event, dont trust her when she passes on info about what time it starts, dress code, what to take - check with the host direct. Don't give her any information that she can 'use' to her advantage - if she asks what you are wearing, tell her you've not thought about it and will see what you're feeling like on the evening. If you're making someone to take to someone's house, tell her you'll check ingredients when you're home (she sounds like the kind of person if you say a cake she will turn up with the most extravagant cake ever). If she asks to do her hair in your room, say sorry my rooms a bit messy, I'll bring my straighteners down and you can use them in the spare room or whatever.

Yep, retreat and disengage.

I bet her husband has made a few complimentary remarks about you.

Queen Bee. I don't think she feels insecure. It's a form of bullying.

This could be true, but I really don't understand how I could be seen as any kind of competition. She's much younger and conventionally more 'attractive' than me, slimmer etc. It's very odd.

She's not married to her DP but I wondered if she'd like to be / could be envious of that? Very strange though!

Great advice from AmIRightOrAMeringue.
Great username, also.

There's never any reason for bullying, it's just enjoyable for the bully. Unfortunately.

Agree disengage and share a little information about yourself as possible. Be vague if she asks what you're wearing etc.

Be nauseatingly polite at all times.

Some people feel the need to be the centre of attention, and the one the whole world wants to be with and please. Very insecure.

Sometimes I do like to step on their toes :) ... if you could tell your partner you don't like these topics (truth or dare and the childish games) and don't wish for both of you to engage, then I'm sure they won't happen with both of you out.
Someone needs to take control.

As for your bedroom, I would NEVER for the life of me allow anyone other than my family (sisters/mum) to be in my room when I'm not there, if she needs to straighten her hair, there are plenty of other rooms she can do her make up in. What she did is absolutely disgusting.

I understand why others are saying 'keep your distance' but it's hard when you want to stay friends with the rest of the group.

As they are all DH's friends in the first instance, I'd have a chat with him about it and see what he thinks. I suspect this woman is desperately insecure and its manifesting itself in bitchiness. You say she can't see you as a threat because you're older and happily married ... but some younger women are actually a bit threatened by women they perceive as older or more assured in their relationships than they are.

Do you get the impression that everyone else likes her? The 'truth or dare' thing sounds completely cringe to me and really immature - how do other people in the group react to it?

Yeah, avoid

One other thing I forgot in my op. She recently started telling a funny anecdote to the group, prefacing it by saying it happened to her friend Claire or someone. Partway through the story it was starting to sound familiar, until I realised that it was actually my story, that I'd told the group over a year ago, and she must've forgotten it was me. I sat there and didn't say anything because I think I'm too nice and didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by exposing it, but then eventually I thought I'd better say something in case it somehow came to light that it was my story and it might look weird I'd not said anything. So I quietly said, 'oh that's strange, but this is actually my story', and she fumbled and said, oh yes, she'd forgotten and confused it with her friend.

Again, at the time I put it down to an honest mistake but now I look at it and think hmmm, if she genuinely had forgotten why didn't she start by saying "I can't remember who told me this story but..." instead of saying it was her friend Claire.

Doesn't sound like your imagination. The clothes thing sounds like insecurity, but I'd be bloody cheesed off the the makeup. That's just bloody rude

Yes @dollydaydream114 I think the others like her. Her DP is usually very switched on and is a very genuine person but I think he's obviously smitten. The other guys are all just lovely fun people who enjoy a laugh and she has them in that sort of (stereotypical) 'gay best friend' space where she can be kind of bitchy but it's all in 'fun'. As she is never bitchy towards any of the others I doubt they'd see it, and as I've said it is so subtle that I didn't spot it for 18 months until I started to get a funny feeling.

She is also very nice to my DH and sometimes comments about things, again very very subtle but I feel like it's insinuating that my DH must be 'under the thumb' or that I'm a controlling wife, eg "Grapefruits DH, do you ever get to do any cooking with your busy job, or is it all Grapefruits role at home?'

She could have put a hidden camera in your bedroom. Or nicked stuff or something. She sounds like a nutter.

I doubt she's jealous of you. Most likely thinks you're a bit beneath her and likes having a bit of fun at your expense. I often here "she's probably jealous" trotted out. Maybe it's said to try cheer the 'victim' up, but anybody I've known like this aren't jealous. They're bitches. Sometimes (often times) there's no reason or explanation other than the other person is a bitch.

She sounds like a frenemy. You seem to spend an awful lot of time in her company. Why not just cut back on the amount of time you spend with her. You don't have to attend every night out or function. You don't have to be in her company. She's a bit sly, so keep your distance and ignore her where possible.

If not possible ask mundane questions and feign exaggerated interest in the minutest of detail in her life. Or, just give monosyllabic answers to her questions and don't engage.

I would be very wary of her. Nobody knows why she acts as she does - I doubt she knows herself - but she's not your friend.

It's not your imagination.

She likes to play 'games' when we go out or have dinner, like truth or dare drinking games. I'm not that comfortable with it but she always instigates it. I try to avoid involvement but I feel she relishes it and watches my discomfort

Lie, fib, tell porkies or whatever phraseology suits you. These are just silly games, so you can steer the outcome to suit yourself, there's absolutely no need to let her get at any real truth you don't want anyone else to hear.

If it's concerning something you've already told an uncomfortable truth about, lie and if she calls you on it insist the previous truth was a lie and this lie is the truth. Can you get your DH on board to back you up?

I echo AmIRight's post.

Thanks, yes I'm going to try and avoid as much as possible from now on. Annoyingly there's an event coming up in a couple of weeks, but after that nothing more in the calendar so I think I'll just be really 'busy'. I am feeling very wary and feel like I will be fully aware at the event in a fortnight, to keep my wits about me. Something tells me the best tactic is to not let on I'm onto her and just act normally, and if I get stuck next to her ask her lots of questions about her life to keep the conversation off me.

Definitely don't let on.
Have a word with your DH, tho, so he understands why you are 'busy' and also he might be able to back you up when you are in her company.