AIBU to expect husband to be more hands on?

[The20somethingmummy]

Hi All!

My husband and I have 2 DC's a son aged 6 and daughter aged 4. Our daughter has always been fairly demanding, for example I'd have to carry her around the house in a carrier as she'd never be put down etc. (Not great parenting I know but it was often the only way I could spend any time with DS).

As she has grown her behaviour has become increasingly difficult to manage and is typically worst when she isn't getting her own way. DD is the type of child that has to have her own way right at that moment or we all pay for it, to the point that she will kick her door, she bites and scrams she will throw everything off her shelves she will head but the floor......seriously our neighbours must think we are performing an exorcism at least once a week.

This type of behaviour also extends to outside the house and not only does it escalate quickly but it also affect DS as he misses out on my attention.

Her latest meltdown happened this weekend at a festival we attended with family and friends and after dealing with it for almost 20 minutes I did ask my husband for some help. I admit I may have raised my voice slightly, although he could clearly see me struggling and my anxiety was rising rapidly!

Since then he has refused to speak to me, claiming I embarrassed him in front of family and friends (never mind my embarrassment)! He claims he never helps because she tells him not to and to go away she wants mummy.

AIBU or is this not a valid reason to not step in and help me?

Yanbu. He needs to muck in and help.

I should also note that we have sought advise from our HV and her outbursts are limited to with family (primarily myself), she is perfect in school and so they aren't concerned that it could be a health problem.

YANBU!

As my old granny used to say "if you have to ask, it's too late!"

Of course he should be stepping in.

The responsibility for parenting is 50% his.

If I were you I would set aside some dedicated daddy-daughter time over the next few months I.e. you and DS regularly go away for a weekend or a while sat/sun on your own, meaning that he builds that bond with her, so when she has a melt down she feels like she can ask for him.

Of course he should be doing his fair share.

What is your plan of action regarding your daughters behaviour though? That seems like a bigger problem to me. She's only 'the type of child that has to get her own way' because she's always gotten her own way, even if it's eventually after 2 hrs of kicking and screaming.

Of course YANBU, how dare he stand there and watch you struggle and then have the audacity to act like the injured party when you call him out on it!

In relation to your daughter it sounds like you both need to be on board and working together to sort her bahaviour out, that can't go on

her outbursts are limited to with family (primarily myself), she is perfect in school and so they aren't concerned that it could be a health problem

It’s very common for dc with autism to “mask” in school and only have behavioural issues at home. This is not a valid reason to rule out a problem

(I’m not saying she has autism, just giving an example of one condition where this happens)

@barbarara thank you, I have also raised this but for right now we are monitoring. I have to be honest HV has been helpful and most understanding.

@Hooferdoofer37 he tends to work 7 days a week, which I do appreciate but I also work full time and still have to keep a home and look after DC's.

@MrBobLobLaw in all honesty I don't know what to do. I am quite strict with them, I can admit this, and she doesn't always get her own way, for example she had a meltdown last week over bedtime, she didn't want to sleep alone...a 2 hour battle began and she did end up sleeping alone. My main problem is that it takes away my time with DS as she consumes all of my time, especially without DH helping more. I can't bath without her, if I leave the room for more than 30 seconds she is calling after me or in the room with me!

Is it possible for her to do a club at the weekend, that DH could take her to, so that he has a chance to strengthen the bond between them, and give you time with DS? If DH can't commit to every week, could he take her swimming/for a bike ride/walk in the woods/trip to the park etc occasionally?

Working 7 days a week isn't compatible with family life, is he doing that because he has to or wants to?

Either way, it makes it imperative that he's VERY hands on during the time that he does have off (such as being at a festival) as otherwise the kids will barely know who he is.

@leeds2 & @hooferdoofer37 In all honesty he does attend swimming lessons each Sunday at 4pm if he can, although never takes her alone, partly because he 'can't handle her' and partly because I also want to be there. DS has class the same time so I couldn't use this time to be alone with him.

DH leaves for work by 7am, before they wake up, and is often not home until after 7pm (Sometimes later) which is bath and bedtime so not much time for bonding / activities.

DH has never been very hands on with DD so much so that she won't let him make food for her, bath her etc. Even when DH is home the DC's will still always come to me for practical things like food, toilet, drink, homework etc.

Another vote for some dedicated DH/DD time. My 2 1/2 year old is absolutely fine with my DH if I'm out of the house, but if I'm home his favourite expression is "mummy do it" (it being anything from reading bedtime stories to pushing the buggy to getting him a spoon). My older DS never had that favouritism because DH and I split his care 50/50%, but with my youngest we didn't manage that and it does have an impact.

Your DH is probably really embarrassed because he know you are right, but doesn't want to admit it. Also, old fashioned as it is, lots of people expect Dads to do the disciplining so the fact he couldn't just step over and sort it out with a stern order to DD to behave may make him feel he looks weak.

Sounds like you should stop talking about what happened, and talk calmly about how to deal with things going forward. Starting with him giving his DD some one on one time while you do something with your eldest or have some
Time to yourself.