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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to push DS to be social

22 replies

SouthernNorthernGirl · 09/09/2019 12:30

DS1 is 17yrs. I'm quite worried about his lack of social life TBH, and we have had a few disagreements about this.
He has a flexible part time job, and is at college full time, just gone into his second year. He has plans for uni.
He seems to be OK socially at both of these, however will not instigate anything outside of this, with either class mates or colleagues.

He spends quite a bit of free time online, PC and console. I don't mind, though am very worried that he doesn't at least meet up with anyone IRL once a week or something.

Is this normal? Am I right to be worried?

OP posts:

Paintedmaypole · 09/09/2019 12:49

You are probably NBU to be a bit concerned about it but having disagreements with him about it and trying to push him to be more social is likely to be counterproductive and alienate him from you. He may be happy with less social contact than you think is ideal and if he is at all shy nagging him will make things worse.

bluebluezoo · 09/09/2019 12:54

Don’t. Please. Leave him be.

If he is full time at college and has a job that may be enough for him socially. He may need the downtime

Batqueen · 09/09/2019 12:55

YABU, leave him alone. My mum has similar concerns about all my siblings and I at various points in our lives. It was horrible when she tried to force my very shy sister to go out when she didn’t want to. Some people just aren’t as extroverted and if they have busy sociable days at college need to have less stimulus in the evenings. Let him be himself.

Dairyqueen2 · 09/09/2019 12:57

My DC 17 is the same - quite happy to see people at school but why would you want to meet them in the holidays? Has plenty of solo interests. It's fine!

BarbedBloom · 09/09/2019 12:57

I am an introvert and this sounds like me tbh. Work and college used to be enough socialisation for me and I just wanted to be on my own after. Even now I do see friends, but every fortnight or so. Some people just aren't very social and trying to force them to be just results in resentment

Aprillygirl · 09/09/2019 13:02

I can understand you perhaps being a little concerned, but what do mean when you say you have disagreements? He's working and he's at college full time, so if he's happy to spend his free time chilling on his own let the kid be. Not everyone needs social stimulation 24/7.

Number3or4 · 09/09/2019 13:03

Maybe he is an introvert and looks forward to time alone with his computer. He sounds similar to me when I was younger. But I had/still have one best freind that I talk to haphazardly and see her about once a season. It is great. I can tell her everything and vise verse. I'm the only freind she has left, but that is ok. We don't need to see others very often. She works fulltime and is very close to her extended family. She got married and then divorced. Yes, during thoes times we talked and saw each other more often. Same thing when I got married and had my children. She is a wonderful person.

ghostyslovesheets · 09/09/2019 13:08

oh leave him alone! My mum was like you - she constantly nagged me to 'go out with your mates' it made me feel like shite - I had mates but I was/am introverted and needed down time.

He's working and at college - I'm guessing he's around people during that time - maybe he needs to recharge on his own?

ghostyslovesheets · 09/09/2019 13:10

sorry just read that back and it's quiet harsh! my mum meant well as you do but I found social interaction draining (still do) - even now (I work in a job where I am around people all the time) I can happily go all weekend without seeing people - I need it to cope with work.

ThereWere10 · 09/09/2019 13:11

Lol! My parents were the complete opposite. I wasn't allowed out to meet friends at that age. Only allowed out to go to school.

minipie · 09/09/2019 13:14

Is he happy?

KateWrong · 09/09/2019 13:16

God, please just let him be! My mother was like you (much worse, actually) and it made me totally miserable. I’m now in my 30s and she still comments on how I should make more of an effort to go out and be social. So now I just don’t involve her in my life or tell her what I’m doing.

As long as he is happy, that’s all that matters. Please just back off - there are more important things in life than being social

Blobby10 · 09/09/2019 13:18

My son is just the same and he's 23! It worries me so much that he hasn't developed the social skills that his siblings have nor has he ever had a girlfriend. He was badly bullied at school by those he considered his friends which means (I think) that he has huge trust issues but says he's fine sitting at home at the weekends watching tv and stuff. he is in the forces so gets to socialise a bit but says that when they aren't working they all go to their own rooms and do X box stuff.

Tinty · 09/09/2019 13:23

Hi I think you are maybe not taking into consideration the gaming that goes on with boys nowadays. He probably talks online whilst playing on his PS4 to friends he know in real life as well as people he has never met. My DS has an active social life and a (PS4) life if you can call it that . He would be up in his room in the evenings playing online with the boys from college, and friends from school and also just people he met through playing. I always thought it was funny to think of all these boys in separate houses all playing the same game. Now he is older and drives. He picks them all up sand they all come over and still play PS4 etc. They have however as they got older started going out and DS is engaged to a lovely girl who also likes gaming. 😁

IHaveBrilloHair · 09/09/2019 13:24

Dd's bf is 19 and doesn't socialise outside their home ever he just doesn't like it, he won't make new friends either, even after a year of Uni all his friends are from school.
He's happy like that though, it bothered Dd for a while but she accepts it now, he doesn't try to stop her going out or seeing new people so she does, and they go out together to parks and museums and things, and she visits me.

dollydaydream114 · 09/09/2019 13:31

Oh god, just leave him alone! He sees people at work and at college.

Not everyone likes to be around people all the time. Some of us just enjoy our own company and there is nothing worse than other people making us feel like freaks for doing so.

I wasn’t a sociable teenager and neither was my brother. We had friends and jobs but weren’t particularly bothered about seeing people outside those times. My mum, who is otherwise lovely, simply couldn’t understand this and constantly questioned it to the point where I started to think there was something wrong with me - and that just made me feel anxious and guilty and self-conscious.

RoisinD · 09/09/2019 13:31

Leave him alone. Having disagreements with him over it? Poor lad.

RosaWaiting · 09/09/2019 13:33

Is he happy?

I’m an introvert. College and work sounds like more than enough social contact.

BillywilliamV · 09/09/2019 13:34

He's probably socialising all the time over social media, my DD spends a lot of her time on FaceTime etc. It's how things are done these days.

nordstrom · 09/09/2019 13:40

I do disagree somewhat with some previous posters. I too have this issue with my own ds (13). He is also a gamer. The distinction between someone who is naturally more introverted and someone who is too preoccupied with technology to bother with socialising, is perhaps more a generational thing.

Having witnessed my own younger brother completely throw away any chance of a normal, adult life due to (amongst other things) his gaming addiction, I won't stand by and watch my own dc go the same way. So, yes that means pestering him into social contact often (which he enjoys once instigated).

I'm not sure if this is relevant to the op's situation, but another perspective.

Ellapaella · 09/09/2019 17:38

My 17 year old is similar. He is at full time college and has plenty of friends but isn't that interested in doing a lot of socialising. He's not interested in drinking (really) and so prefers to see his mates for sports (golf, tennis,etc) or meals out rather than going out to parties and the pub etc. It was hard for me to understand at first as at that age I was always out with friends but it really is best just to leave them be. You don't want to make him feel like he's strange or different just because he doesn't want to be out all the time.
Yes your ds seems to like gaming but it also sounds like he has a healthy balance of work, school and play and plenty of friends so I don't think you should try and force the issue.

swingofthings · 09/09/2019 17:46

He goes to college and works, that's plenty of socialising. My DS does the same but he is very introverted and although he does enjoy that level of interaction, coming home to his sanctuary is heaven to him. It's his life and I'm proud that he has pushed himself to do a job that involves dealing with the public when it was what he dreaded the most.

Your ds will socialise more when he feels a wish to do so.

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