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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

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16 replies

DaveYoursoMoneysupermarket · 09/09/2019 05:22

I'm 57. Female. I have a male friend.who is 47. He's gay. I live in England, he lives in Scotland. We haven't seen each other for 12 months. We have both just met up again for our annual holiday overseas(as we do every year). We arrived here on Saturday night. My friend from England is here too. She's 61. She's become really close friends with him after meeting him through me 5 years ago. We are all staying in the same hotel, so on arrival we all met up in my room for a cuppa. We were having a nice chat for the first 15 minutes. Until he started telling us about a guy that he's met. He said he was showing the guy photos of his friends and about one of the pics the guy said "is that your mum"? My 61 year old friend said "was he talking about me"? He said no, Jane(that's me). I was so hurt. I just thought WHY would you say that to your friend of 9 years who always has your back & is good to you? It doesn't sound much, but, I've got rock bottom self - esteem and mental health problems. I know him really well, and I could see he enjoyed saying it. I'm not sure if he would have said that had my friend not been there. AIBU?

OP posts:
CrystalShark · 09/09/2019 05:29

I think if someone is knowingly touchy about their age it was thoughtless of him to say, but it’s not a big deal in an otherwise supportive friendship unless he has form for putting you down or something.

I have friends older than me and younger and jokes and comments sometimes crop up about one of us being the other’s parent, like when an older male friend helped me move house and mistook him for my dad I mentioned it later to him and we had a laugh about it just because of the absurdity of it to us both.

With kindness, if you have low self esteem and mental health issues wouldn’t your energy be better spent getting help for those problems rather than stewing over things like this which are always gonna crop up one way or another throughout life?

If you think he’s the kind of person to ‘enjoy’ the comment he made about his date mistaking you for his mum why are you friends with him?

WillLokireturn · 09/09/2019 06:54

He made a bitchy comment to you. He didn't need to say it.

Original poster
DaveYoursoMoneysupermarket · 09/09/2019 07:06

Thank you for your advice. I have been in long term therapy for 2 years. Still struggling. I wouldn't have been remotely upset if my friend was say 37 as I could easily be his mother. But, he's 47 so I would have been 10 years old when I had him...

OP posts:
Original poster
DaveYoursoMoneysupermarket · 09/09/2019 07:07

Thank you x

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/09/2019 07:14

If you've nothing nice to say, say nothing...

He should learn that little saying.

bert3400 · 09/09/2019 07:17

I was hoilday recently with my parents and thier friends ( who are my age and gay ). One morning I came down for coffee and was talking to one of thier friends for a good few minutes, He thought I was my mum, who is 72. He didn't have his glasses on but still .....she is 72, very over weight. I am 52 and a little bit round. How the hell can he even mistake me for her . We laughed about it but I was still a Confused
I don't think you should let this ruin your holiday or your friendship. Do you think you look older than 57 ? Hair can play a massive issue in someone looking older ? Could that be why the comment was made ?

Perisoire · 09/09/2019 07:22

YANBU, he’s a twat. My sister’s 10 years older than me and we once ran into her neighbours who asked her if I was her daughter. I said no and changed the subject, because I knew she was embarrassed. I never told any one (our mum, sister’s etc) about it because I’m not a twat!

mummypie17 · 09/09/2019 07:30

If he enjoyed saying it then that was really mean. If it was just a comment he said without thinking then I think it's excusable (I've said things I've then thought 'oops').

Original poster
DaveYoursoMoneysupermarket · 09/09/2019 07:35

Yes! X

OP posts:
Original poster
DaveYoursoMoneysupermarket · 09/09/2019 07:40

I feel your pain x. On the photo he'd shown that guy I'd had my hair professionally highlighted. It's long. I was tanned and wearing a fashionable top with lovely black trousers, expensive make up, Becca, Mally, and, Estee Lauder foundation

OP posts:
Janedoughnut · 09/09/2019 09:46

Could he have saw it as him looking younger rather than you looking older. And therefore being happy that someone thought he was younger so that was why he was happy when he told you.

Original poster
DaveYoursoMoneysupermarket · 13/09/2019 10:27

Yes, definitely. Thank you so much for your response x

OP posts:
Original poster
DaveYoursoMoneysupermarket · 13/09/2019 10:28

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
DaveYoursoMoneysupermarket · 13/09/2019 10:29

Well said! And, thank you x

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wineymummy · 13/09/2019 10:50

Try not to dwell on it. One of my neighbours recently asked if my DD (2) was my granddaughter. I am 34. I was obviously horrified but mainly just found it hilarious.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/09/2019 10:55

If he has form for this then he enjoys putting other people down to feel good about himself.

If it was a one off, he might have just been self centred and looking at it entirely from the point of view of 'wow I look so young' (assuming the other guy didnt know his age) rather than thinking about you?

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