To tell kids the truth when separating?

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Having a sad and bad day . Husband wants to split. Decided last weekend .says he doesn’t love me anymore and won’t attempt counselling .He feel criticised , undermined and unloved . He feels this way as I have been trying to encourage him to engage in his marriage and children’s lives for years. He lives the life of a single man . I am gutted in many ways but enabling his impatience and disinterest and outright aggression with the kids for years , tells me it is the right thing . I really dread telling our children and feel angry that I want to try for their sakes but he thinkswe should tell them that it’s a mutual split . Is this the way to do it , for their sakes? Thanks in advance .they are 16, 11 and 9.

Anybody?

I think you should think about what will be least upsetting for the dc to hear, whether or not it is true or fair.

Yes, I think you should say it is mutual. What is to be gained from painting him as the bad guy? Your children will already know what he is like and how little effort he has made in their lives. You'll gain nothing from trying to influence their feelings, but potentially lose a great deal of the respect that give earned. Carry on being the bigger person- your children already know the truth. Best of luck to you.

If you think its the right thing then isnt it mutual?

My parents separated when I was 18, I wish they had done it years earlier. To be honest I couldnt have cared less the reasons why or who wanted it, I just wanted the misery to be over.

Yes, tell them it's a mutual decision. No doubt they are aware that things have been limping along. They'll probably be relieved to hear that things are going to change. I waited until mine were late teens and they both said they wished I'd done it before. Good luck.

Just say to them you both think it’s for the best and both want the best for the children always. The rest is details

Thank you so very much for your replies. They are of course the priority . I just feel so upset and angry today . I absolutely dread telling them but I have strong happy relationships with each of them so i hope and pray that they won’t blame
Me for the split and that our relationships remain strong . They have very little relationships with my
Husband as it is

Well if they don’t have a great relationship with him they’re unlikely to blame you. I feel however that you don’t really feel like putting up a front and want them to know the truth so you remain the good guy. A bit like when one partner has been unfaithful and the other makes sure the kids all know about it as a punitive act but dress it up as being honest. I get that it’s gutting but they don’t need all the details of how it went wrong... just what will happen going forward.

Be truthful, especially with the eldest because they will quickly pick up that it's not a mutual decision. I'm 6 months on from where you are and the kids (older than yours) have been fine, the eldest is quite accepting but is not that engaging, the younger set me up with an online dating profile and told me I should have left him years ago because I deserve better! There was no point me pretending that it was mutual, he demanded the split. Just try to keep talking, especially for the youngests sake

Yes o do feel like that today but know it’s completely wrong so I know not to act on it. I’m angry today. I’m
Cross that our lives are going To now be turned upside down and our quality of life will be affected . I’m angry with myself for walking on eggshells
For years to keep the peace and try to figure out what mood he was in. I know you’re all right and I won’t ever speak badly
Of him to the children . Thanks

I don’t think the kids need to know the details, just that you have both decided it’s better to live apart but that you both love them more than anything. Don’t try to make it a ‘good guy / bad guy’ situation, that doesn’t help the kids in any way. Sounds like everyone will be happier if you do split so I would try to let go of anger and focus on your own future and making it as easy as possible on the kids.

They don’t need to know the ins and outs, and won’t benefit from knowing more than they need to. Just say it’s mutual so there’s no risk of them trying to apportion blame to either of you.

They don't need to know the details.

"We were in love, we are no longer in love with each other so are splitting up, but don't worry because we both love you all very much and you'll have two happy parents and two homes" is all they need.

Even with the older child, nothing good comes to trying to air dirty laundry in front of the children.

I don’t think the ‘we’re splitting up’ conversation needs much detail about why. Maybe go more along the lines of ‘we don’t feel the same about each other anymore but still both adore you’. Good luck, it’s a difficult chat to have, be kind to yourself.

I would be very careful what I said and would bear in mind the differences in ages. I would tell your oldest child separately. You think they will be traumatised but actually they don't have much of a relationship with their dad.

Minimum details.

I probs wouldn't use the word mutual. It seems dishonest in the circumstances. Just 'decided' or 'agreed'. Plan ànswers to the different questions they may have. The details don't have to be shared although the eldest will probably work it out.

Don’t make a big fuss of telling them as if you were sitting them down to say someone has died or they are going to Disneyland.

Just mention it casually while you are doing other things and be prepared to answer all questions they may have.

The key thing is not telling them UNTIL you know what it is happening next exactly as it is the not knowing what makes the transition traumatic.

With DS we told him “as you have seen, we are not getting along very well so we thought it would be better for dad and I to live in different houses”

The questions went like this:

Am I going to see dad again? Yes, of course you will, what will happen is that you will have your own bedroom with your toys at your dad’s house, which is just near to xyz.

You will have special weekends with him every other weekend and will see him after school every Wednesday.

He also was concerned about missing his bed but as soon as he heard he was getting a bunk bed he wasn’t bothered. ExH made a lovely space for him in his new house so that helped.

ExH didn’t move out until he had the other house sorted enough for DS to go over there. I insisted he took DS to stay with him on the first night as that would prevent DS feeling left behind. It was all an adventure for him. The first years after divorce where wonderful for DS as he finally got his dad’s full attention.

Just you haven't been making each other happy, so have decided it is better for their to be two happy homes rather than one unhappy home.
As a wise person said to me when ExH and I split ' it is not parents splitting up that mess children up, involving children in the adult reasons why you are splitting is what does that'.
Keep being your calm consistent present self holding it together for your DC and that will love you for it.

Will he still want to play a part in the kids lives? It doesn't sound like he's particularly interested in them at the moment. Personally I would tell the eldest the basic truth. He/she is 16, nearly an adult and probably already very aware of the situation. If you tell the younger ones it's mutual and then he doesn't bother with them they may well blame you

All good advice. To add I would make sure you tell them it's not their fault. That it's about mummy and daddy not getting on, because of how mummy and daddy feel about each other and act with each other- nothing to do with them.

Also fine to show or say that you are sad or explain that big changes make us feel angry sometimes.... but that we feel better as things get settled again. This helps them put in perspectives the emotions they see from you two and also gives them permission to have and talk about their feelings too.