Is this bullying

[Shopkinsdoll]

I’m pretty annoyed and hurt for my daughter. We live in a small cal de sac. My daughters 7. There are another three girls and another friend from another area who were playing on Friday. These girls only seem to come in for my daughter when no one else is in or a loose end, or fell out with each other. Iv even saw one at our house. Then another girl arrives home, the girl will say I’m away for my dinner then iv watched her go for the other girl. Leaving my daughter. Well on Friday the four girls came to my door, handed me something my son left at the park. I said to them oh are you here to play with my daughter? Neighbour says no we are not. Then they all run away laughing. My daughter thought they were coming in to play with her, she was very upset. The one girl rules the roost of the neighbours, she’s a bully. Would you have a word with the parents. My daughter is 7 the others are 8. I feel so bad for her. Iv just had two of the girls at the door separately the past hour asking if my daughter is coming out to play. Iv had to bite my tongue and be polite. AIMU to say something to them. I know this is trivial but my daughter is so upset.

No, you cant force friendships. What you can do is get your daughter out and about od join a sports activity where she makes her own friends. Then she wont be worrying about these girls.

Yes that’s the plan. She starts girls brigade on tue and has a play date organised on sat with a close friend from her class. I know I can’t make them play with her but they come to my door throughout the week to play with her when others aren’t in. Or fall out. It was just the smile on her face on Friday when they came to the door then to be told they weren’t wanting to play with her. She was so upset. I found out one of them wasn’t nice to her on an iPad online game and my daughter blocked her. So I’m thinking the top mean child is annoyed with my daughter.

They came to return something, which was kind. It's not their fault you made assumptions. Does your DD ever go out without them coming for her or go and knock at their door?

Excluding one child is not kind, but I don't think they are obliged to knock for her. What happens if she goes out to join in?

I would do a fair bit of coaching with your daughter about not allowing herself to be picked up and dropped.

I would also be organising more playdates so she is not always in a weak social position. Possibly alongside having some activities that would be enjoyed.

Why do you think they are obligated to play with your daughter ? I mean this in the kindest way - it's not a group, it's not school - it's their own free time - not playing with your daughter is not bulling.

It isn’t bullying. They’re entitled to pick their own friends to play with in their own time. Living near to someone doesn’t mean you will, or should have to, get on with them.

I lived in a cul de sac with a few other kids. One of them was a really good friend and we played together all the time as we had lots in common. The other two I didn’t really play with at all in my own time - we were friendly towards one another at Brownies or social events our parents were at, but we didn’t seek each other out play with because we didn’t have much in common.

It wasn’t those other kids’ fault that their effort to return something was misinterpreted by you and your DD.

No but I know they don’t need to play with my daughter but it’s the fact they only seem to appear when one isn’t in or they fall out which is quite a lot. Yes she does go out and play outside also been on sleep overs with them. I feel excluding a child horrible and anyone who finds this acceptable needs to look at their parenting skills.

I get this with my daughter, she's 7 too, they only call for her when there's no one else to play with. And mine will come in if any arguements start so they get bored because she won't pick sides! If yours is happy to play when they call let her use them as much as they use her if you know what I mean. My daughter has plenty of other things going on and actually gets on with her brother at the moment so it's not a big loss if she doesn't play with the kids in the street all the time.
I just wanted to say I know how you feel, I've ran out a few times and told them off if they've been bitchy to my daughter and I've felt like slamming the door in their face, BUT we mustn't, we are the grown-ups you know 😁😁. They drive me mad, but if that's where you live just don't fall out over kids, it's not worth it. X

Crochetymum
Thank you xxx

So some people find this behaviour ok? One girl comes to the door for my daughter, they play in the back garden. The girl gets a text from the girl across the road, who has been out. The girl playing with my daughter says she’s away for dinner, walks out my house then goes to the other girls house across the road. Seriously????

Gamble66
If that’s what you think that’s fine, but totally excluding the only other girl in the street is fine in your eyes. Fingers crossed yours isnt in that situation.

it’s the fact they only seem to appear when one isn’t in or they fall out
That’s not bullying. That’s just kids being fickle.
Let the kids sort it out between themselves. They’re still very young and many kids that age are really self-centred and lack empathy.

I’m not sure why you’re so keen for them to invite your DD out when you don’t seem to like them

I think it’s awful behaviour and is a form of bullying.
She needs to make friends outside of this group and maybe you need to tell their parents.

I think you're overthinking it... we know if someone does that as an adult, it is very childish, but hence "childish", that's what kids do, they don't pretend that they want to be with someone because they don't want to hurt them...

I think since you've noticed they're being iffy towards her, teach her to be strong and not to get upset if someone doesn't want to be with her, these things will get worse in her teenage years, and having emotional stability is a key skill

I’d be more concerned that your sensitivity to this issue will affect your DD and will make her grow up to become very emotionally sensitive. You’re meant to be the rational adult who can look at the context of the situation. They’re 7 years old. When she sees you getting riled up by it, she’ll begin to see it as a massive issue too. You should be reassuring her that it doesn’t matter too much, not winding up the situation.

HugoSpritz
My child hasn’t got an iPhone, if you read it it’s her friend that has an iPhone.
She has an iPad which I do supervise which websites she goes on, so just don’t assume.
She plays a game which the neighbour are all part of a chat. Only 5 of them. It turns out they haven’t been nice to her over the game. So my daughter has deleted the girls from the game, so that’s why this has all all happened. I have asked her about it when I was bathing her. So there has been bullying going on.

Coukd you speak to their parents?

It’s horrible behaviour. I don’t think you can say anything to the parents to change it. What I have done with my son who experienced the same behaviour is to keep him really busy, invite friends over, and when the little kids decide there’s no one better to play with and chap on the door I say, sorry, DS doesn’t want to come out today because you were very unkind the last day you came over.

I think there are an awful lot of insensitive pricks on this website. As it happens my daughter is headstrong and doesn’t let anyone walk over her. She was hurt at the time as she thought the girls were coming in for her. I bring my daughter up to respect people’s feelings and not leave other kids out. She has her own group of friends at school and Is quite happy.

Unlike some on here op I teach my children the more the merrier! If you spoke to me I would quite happily encourage a friendship. It's not forcing some parents are just twats. Ignore.

OP, this would upset me too. I think you sound a lovely mother to be upset when your child is upset.

The girls sound a bit mean, and there are a few options here. If it was one of my kids, id either let her play as and when they call - BUT only if they are nice to her when playing. She may not notice like you do that the girls only want to play with her at certain times, and she might not notice that they ditch her for each other. I would only allow her to continue to play with these girls if it genuinely makes her happy and she is none the wiser about their “using” tactics. I would not however let her play with them if they are openly mean to her or about her.

Another option is, make an excuse each time they call, and focus on getting her some nice friends over more often for play dates. The girls will see this and know they have been dumped.

Another option is to speak to the parents, ask if they might know what’s going on, as it seems a little confusing at the moment and your daughter is upset. If the parents are decent they’ll have a chat with their kids to encourage kindness. If they’re not, then you’ll get a sense of this when you speak to them as they might think it’s no big deal your daughter is upset and that their kids are angels - in which case you can dump the kids and the parents!

When I was about the same age the girls in my cul de sac (two of them) used to ask me to come out and play, then completely exclude me from games. I think it was fun for them. They would take turns on swings etc and not let me have a go. My mum saw this from out of our back window one day and it upset her so much that the very next day she went out and got me the coolest garden equipment (swing set, slide, paddling pool etc) - I love my mum!! and those girls were not invited to play. They could however see from their upstairs windows what I now had. My mum then encouraged me to make friends with other girls further down the street who we would invite to play and who were very nice. Any time new kids moved in my mum would encourage me to be really friendly. I made so many friends on the street as a result and the nasty girls sort of ended up not being in the group because everyone thought they weren’t very nice.

I dont think it can be classed as bullying. It sounds like they dont like her too much but playing with her is preferable to playing alone. Sorry to be so brutal. However it's not the behaviour of a good friend and it's unfair to use someone like that just as an alternative to boredom. It's not kind basically and it would upset me too.

If you're friends with any of the mums you could mention it but sometimes that can backfire. Are there any of the girls which are nicer than the others? If so is there anything else you can do to encourage them to play together eg take them somewhere fun just the two of them? I think I'd be concentrating on like others have said, building her confidence and widening her friendship circle. She deserves to have friends that always want to play with her. I'd concentrate on the behaviours of the girls how good friends dont want to exclude one of the group etc. and next time hey ask to play say no as you didnt think their behaviour was kind leaving her out last time