To not know how to deal with these work people?

[Haneesa]

I work in a job i oscillate between hating and finding tolerable. It’s high pressure, long hours and demanding (I’m junior) but I have worked so hard for it that I’m now considering throwing my all into it and seeing if that changes things: getting in early, going to most social events, befriending colleagues etc.

There are only a few women in my department and I’m friends with several but not close. I don’t often socialise with them. I have tried getting close to a couple but their behaviour is leaving me a bit stumped and I’m now wondering whether to back off!

Number 1 befriended me when she started in the job inviting me to her birthday etc. She also invited me to other events, some which I could make, others which I couldn’t. Every now and then she invites me for lunch or similar but we have known each other for almost a year now and she’s really flakey! Sometimes I’ll message her at work and no reply. It’s all on her terms. Just don’t feel close to her and feel a bit about where I stand. Obviously I’m bright and breezy with her in person but don’t understand her motivation/feel she’s a user as she only contacts me on her terms.

Person 2 again is fairly new and seems nice.i chat to her when I can and all seems fine, she has her own group of friends in the office though separately. We all went out for a work meal and I sort of joined her at the end of a long table laughing about not knowing where to sit. She visibly moved away from me, almost as if she didn’t want to be stuck with me for the meal. I took that as a hint and chatted to everyone else but have been left feeling quite hurt! Possibly overthinking.

Does anyone have any advice on these two situations or more generally? I consider myself fairly good company, friendly, easy to get on with, never had issues making friends. My department is notoriously unfriendly and there are so few women there anyway it makes it hard work

Current line of thought is to go on more socials and nights out and see if that helps me bond with people more.

The moving away from you was incredibly rude. Honestly I don’t think it always goes well when you deliberately seek friendship with colleagues. If it happens then great but if not I think it’s fine as long as everyone is nice and friendly. Sometimes it’s better to keep your work life separate from your personal life

That’s fair. It wasn’t quite moving away, we ended up sitting next to each other but one in the same vicinity. And then got chatting again at the drinks after. So i think it was 90% me reading too much into things!

Tbh i don't want to get close to people at work. That doesn't make me unfriendly.

Are you sure that you're not wanting too much contact, why are you messaging her during a working day?

Goung on nights out etc is to just let your hair down with people you work with, not to 'bond'.

I think you might just want more than they do out of workplace friendships.

These are work colleagues, not friends, and you're coming across as quite needy/ clingy.

Do you have friends outside of work? If not, have you looked at clubs you might go to to meet new people?

I’m not needy/clingy. Job is very long hours and most people become very close to work people to let off steam. Tend to do stuff outside work with them etc and organise social events. It’s a very young crowd and it’s a bit like uni freshers for many years.

I do have plenty of friends of my own and to be honest no time to make more!

"I do have plenty of friends of my own and to be honest no time to make more!"

Then why are you trying so hard and getting upset when you don't?

That’s fine, I’ll leave it in that case

I think just continue to be polite and breezy with them. If a friendship develops then fantastic but if not you haven’t lost anything and at least you’ll know you have a good professional relationship with them.