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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU upset partner didn’t come to family birthday

21 replies

1ronspaa · 08/09/2019 11:25

Asking for your thoughts/advice and no negativity plz

Backstory

Yesterday was my dads 70th and my family had planned a birthday meal together (we are small family) which my partner was supposed to attend. I had told him we were all going and he was fine with this. Yesterday morning he told me he can’t be bothered to come because he was tired.

So I went on my own with our two kids (baby & 5yr) . My parents were disappointed as they had cooked for all of us. I had to tell them the reason for him not coming was because he was tired and couldn’t be asked basically. He says he’s been driving around a lot recently and that’s why he’s tired. During the week he drove 2 hrs one way and 2 hrs back to stay at a hotel to see a friend he hadn’t seen in a while but he couldn’t be bothered with the 35 min journey to my parents for dads 70 th birthday meal to which all he had to do was sit and eat. He says it would have been boring and that they don’t talk to him much anyway and that I shouldn’t force him to do things he doesn’t want to do.

I’m upset to the point of tears because it actually means ALOT to me that he would have shown up: come along. My brother who lives with my parents and was at the meal has depression which has been difficult for us all and my baby is 5 months I haven’t had much sleep or more than 4 hours away from her at any one time while my partner been away for multiple nights since her birth to see his friends. Even if he didn’t want to come along it just would have meant a lot to me that he did.

I’ve tried to tell him that I’m upset that he didn’t come along and that it really does mean a lot to me ( maybe it wouldn’t for others but I did tell him it means a lot to me)

Am I being unreasonable ? Am I overreacting? To be so upset over this to point of tears and not actually wanting to speak to him? I’ve been stressed out a lot recently as well

Any advice please no negativity plz I’m asking for support

OP posts:

annoyingelf · 08/09/2019 11:29

He's completely out of order. He's tired?

I'd be upset too. He should be embarrassed, he's a grown man with 2 kids and responsibilities but he's acting like a teenager

nickyschof · 08/09/2019 11:30

YADNBU. He's been a selfish git

DuesToTheDirt · 08/09/2019 11:30

Really selfish and thoughtless of him.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 08/09/2019 11:30

I think you’re overreacting a bit - he didn’t stop you going. It was rude that he didn’t give more notice though.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 08/09/2019 11:31

What a selfish little twat!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 08/09/2019 11:32

YABU for saying ‘no negativity plz’ - both for the phrase and the expectation. Surely some responses will inevitably be negative about your partner?

But yes, he’s a twat for not going. If he was a casual boyfriend, that would be different, but when you have a child with someone, this is the kind of thing you do.

violashift · 08/09/2019 11:32

He is selfish. If he was ill that's one thing but tired is no excuse and you have to put yourself out for others.

I know on here a lot of people think that he married you not the family and that they should not be made to see family. While I agree for maybe a general visit every week but a 70th is special and it's nice to support each other.

Is he selfish in other aspects?

flowery · 08/09/2019 11:32

YANBU. Going to family occasions you wouldn’t necessarily choose is part of being in a long term committed relationship.

Quartz2208 · 08/09/2019 11:33

What does he do for you

DisplayPurposesOnly · 08/09/2019 11:34

my baby is 5 months I haven’t had much sleep or more than 4 hours away from her at any one time while my partner been away for multiple nights since her birth to see his friends

I'm sorry to point out the obvious but your partner is not pulling his weight in your family life, full stop. Being too lazy to attend your dad's birthday meal is the cherry on top.

AlwaysCheddar · 08/09/2019 11:35

Your partner is a lazy selfish prick.

Chitarra · 08/09/2019 11:35

YANBU. I would be really upset about this. Sometimes we all need do things we don't really want to do. Your partner should have done this to support you and for your Dad's sake.

Is he normally selfish?

Mintjulia · 08/09/2019 11:36

YAnbu. Unless he’s ill, he’s completely out of order.

Sparklesocks · 08/09/2019 11:37

YANBU, he sounds like a stroppy teenager not a grown man with a family. We do things like that for our partners because we love them, even if we aren’t super keen on it all the time.

Original poster

1ronspaa · 08/09/2019 11:44

Thanks for the replies

He can be selfish sometimes he plays a lot of games which I ask him to do less of and help out around the house more but I just can’t understand why he would t bother coming to dads 70th birthday. He says he feels like my family don’t talk much to him and he’s felt ignored by them sometimes. My dad is naturally shy person and that is just who he is I have tried telling him this. I would hav wanted him to come along just to support me and because it would have meant a lot to me personally even if he didn’t want to come. At the very least to help take care of the kids.

It make me feel sad that my parents cooked for him and he didn’t show up. So we had extra food. I had told them we were all coming and he changed his mind yesterday morning as I was getting ready to go saying he was too tired. I am tired too if it meant a lot to other family members that I showed up to a family birthday meal even though I am tired I would still come though that is the thing

Any advice on what I should say to him I’ve been feeling pretty run down recently

OP posts:

TheMustressMhor · 08/09/2019 11:50

I would also be very upset about this and I would be annoyed that my partner didn't pull his weight with regard to caring for the baby.

YANBU at all.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 08/09/2019 11:51

I think you are focusing too much on your dad's birthday meal. You have a much bigger problem with your partner.

Rachelover60 · 08/09/2019 11:55

I do think he was mean, 1ronspaa. It was disappointing for you and your parents. Different if he was ill but just being tired is no excuse, especially as your parents only live 35 minutes away. He's selfish unless there is more to it than he's telling you.

Hope things generally improve for you.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/09/2019 11:55

He doesn't actually sound like he's a partner, he's not acting in partnership with you very much at all, is he? What does he bring to the table?
He's acting more like a FWB. The expectations of a partner are different to th is a of a casual boyfriend.
You've already told him you're unhappy with his rudeness and failure to pull his weight , I guess?
There's not much else to add, I'd be telling him he shapes up or shifts out.
Sorry, I don't suppose that's what you want to hear.

Windydaysuponus · 08/09/2019 11:57

He stayed in a hotel. ...
What details do you have about that?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/09/2019 12:07

Impossible to answer the AIBU question without a larger idea of the context of DP's relationship with your parents. Is something coming to a head? Have they consistently ignored him for years and he's now out of patience with it?

From the perspective of someone at the receiving end of difficult in-law relations, the response 'that's just the way s/he is' is a frustrating one to hear. I'm not saying this is necessarily the case in your situation, but it frequently involves some degree of cop-out, and its implicit meaning is 'you have to put up and shut up'. It's not unreasonable in those circumstances to respond 'And this is just how I am. And I'm no longer prepared to accept such treatment'.

Again, this is hypothetical, but consider the real state of the relations between your DP and your parents. If a relationship doesn't exist, unfortunately you can't force one. I did precisely the above, ie the putting up and shutting up, for my own DH for many years, because it 'meant a lot to him'. In the end it did nobody any favours, and ended up degenerating to the point of NC (in relation to me, not him or DC) in any event.

The situation with his laziness, gaming and lack of input in the house and caring for the baby would be my hill to die on here. Spending multiple nights away from home while you do the bulk of the 'wife work' and get no breaks yourself is not on, and in that respect I'd go as far as to say that I'd be issuing him an ultimatum to either shape up or ship out. YANBU to be incredibly upset about this.

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