To back off of friendship over bully child?

[mumzone101]

Namechanged but regular poster. Names have been changed!

I have a good friend (Jill) who has a son (Robert). Robert went to primary school with my DS but they are both now in Year 7 at different secondaries.

Jill called in for a cuppa over the weekend and was very upset that a boy at Robert's new school has accused him of bullying (they started on Wednesday!) and she has been asked to attend a meeting at the school. Jill has reached out to the other boys parents who have told her Robert hit their son on the way home from school, threw his ID badge in a bush and called him a dickhead. Jill truly believes the other boy has made it up. I know the other boy from my DS's scout group and have no reason to believe he would - they don't have history, didn't go to primary together and have only been walking together as they live in the same road.

The issue is that I, and everyone else from primary school, know that Robert is a bully. Jill has been called to various meetings at primary about his behaviour toward peers and yet still seems not to believe it. I have had to speak to her in the past about the way Robert had spoken to my DS (he called him a wanker last October) and a friend had to do similar when Robert text her daughter something pretty vile. She has no repercussions for bad behaviour at home - today she is taking Robert to the cinema as a reward for his first week at secondary. I am finding it increasingly difficult to be a neutral friend when I really feel she is facilitating and excusing his behaviour. I try to steer the conversation to other things but it always seems to come back to Robert's behaviour and how it affects her stress levels.

Not sure if it's an AIBU or a WWYD but needed to vent it somewhere without seeming like I was bitching to mutual friends!

I'd start to back off tbh, the boy sounds bad because of his mother's actions. I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

I would probably tell her, that he’s a bully and she needs to open her eyes. And would be prepared to never talk to her again if that’s what she wants.
But then I am a parent of a boy who had been bullied and I have been bullied throughout my school years, so have little patience for a dickheads whose parents think that sun’s shining out of their little darlings arse.

Agree that if you have to back off, then you've got nothing to lose by saying something on the way out.

"Jill, you've been called into school several times about Robert's behaviour. I think you need to recognise there's a pattern, that Robert has a problem and tackle it."

I don't understand the 'neutral' friend stance. It's not appropriate for all occasions.

If it was a very good friend of mine, I would give her my honest opinion and be cruel to be kind. Bullies are often the way they are because of some kind of underlying unhappiness and it's important parents know about that, so they can work out what's causing it.

Unfortunately, it's difficult for parents to believe that their children can be capable of causing pain and suffering to others so readily. I have a friend and her son has been in three different schools, all of which are apparently rubbish, as people target him and tell stories about him being bad when he's not. Funny how so many children thrive in those schools, yet it's definitely the THREE schools that are in the wrong and not the child..

I'd love to be honest but I probably won't be able to

'i know you love him, i hate to admit but your son's not exactly the most friendly person, all children can be shits but sometimes more so?'

Agree with the above. Her ignoring her son's repeated bad behaviour is not going to do the child any favours. If you are happy to let the friendship go / dwindle, why not tell her the truth, in a simple way and offer support if she needs it. Nothing to lose really.

Well she keep talking about it.

I am sure you can find a way to make her think.

"Mmm, interesting that you had to go into primary school to talk to the teachers about Robert's behaviour and here we are again with the same behaviour. What do you think that's about? " "Yes, well he call DS a wanker a few months ago and there was that incident with texting that girl." What do you think about that? Could there be something in it you think?

Lead her gently to the very late realisation that her son has issues.

If she still wont' accept it, then I wouldn't see her again. She sounds pretty stupid!

As a PP said, cruel to be kind.

" I have been thinking about what you said yesterday with regards to the bullying incident. I remembered that there were a few similar instances that happened last year at primary.. might be worth hearing the school out and seeing if they have any advice on how to handle it with DS since it does seem to be continuing, might help him to have some extra guidance. It's not easy, I know. Here if I can help in any way & catch up soon "

She definitely won't accept it- I've tried the subtle approach before and he's just "misunderstood".

She's the type that would react badly to direct confrontation (i.e "your son is a horrible bully and everyone knows it") so I think just gently backing off is the best option for me if not for her/him. We have mutual friends who I know agree with me but are equally reticent to tell her the truth- I would want to be ostracised from the wider friendship group.

I have no patience with Parents who neglect their children and not addressing behaviour that will impact on their lufe, is neglect.

However, if you're too blunt then ypur Son may become a target.

So I'd try gently giving a different pov. But would just back away. Within a couple of years she'll have enough problems to notice.

X post, just back away then.

I'd cut her out of my life. She sounds like a complete dick, as does her son.