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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding one!!

49 replies

BrieAndChilli · 08/09/2019 01:44

My sister has booked to get married in Jamaica next year. She ‘really wants us to go’ no one else is invited (part of the reason they are going abroad) but it’s going to cost upwards of 7k!!! She was originally looking at places in Europe which we could have probably have stretched to/gone for a couple of days.
I feel really bad saying no we can’t go but AIBU to think of it was as important for us to go as she keeps saying it is and we are likely the only guests she would have thought about the cost to us?
She’s entitled to get married wherever she wants but she can’t have it both ways!!!

OP posts:

Gruzinkerbell1 · 08/09/2019 08:14

We got married abroad and paid for all accommodation for our handful of guests and split the flights costs. If she wants you there that badly, as we did our guests, then she’d contribute towards your costs.

Starlight456 · 08/09/2019 08:16

I think getting married abroad should be considered eloping. Something you do on your own.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/09/2019 08:17

If people book weddings abroad they have to accept that some won't be able to make it. That's the decision they made, now they have to accept that you won't be there. I appreciate weddings aren't about anyone but the bride and groom but leaving yourself brassic for a holiday you've not chosen is madness.

My Sister got married in the Maldives. It was stunning and we could afford to go so went with the DC. If it had meant us compromising on our main holiday that year we wouldn't have gone; my Sister made sure before they booked that immediate friends and family were willing and able to go before booking because it was important to them to have people there. It's common sense to check.

Sparklyshoes16 · 08/09/2019 08:20

Please don't do the air bnb thing it's not safe at all!! If you decide to go then you have to stay at a resort where you are protected and usually escorted/protected by arm guards...Jamaica is a beautiful country, amazing people and has the best coffee in the world but unfortunately is also a very poor country and tourists can be at a greater risk than some of the other Caribbean islands.

EscapeTheOrdinary · 08/09/2019 08:23

Just keep responding that although she wants you there and you want to be there unless 7k falls in your lap it won’t be happening. She can plea all she likes just be firm

JustTwoMoreSecs · 08/09/2019 08:26

Next time she says she wishes you could go, tell her YOU wish someone would give you the 7k
Do this

stucknoue · 08/09/2019 08:39

To be honest, there's nothing wrong with getting married abroad but unless EasyJet/Ryan Air flies there you cannot be surprised if people cannot go. Personally if I remarry it will be overseas but I would expect to pay for any guests invited (probably just the adult children)

Foslady · 08/09/2019 08:57

Yep - if you are that desperate for us to be there after i’ve Continually told you I can’t afford it then maybe you should stump up the difference in our holiday budget then....
Yes Jamaica is an amazing place - the hotel I stayed at did weddings. They weren’t worth the guests paying £7k!

fargo123 · 10/09/2019 12:37

These people who have destination weddings are so selfish. I would say no, on principle. I would never attend a destination wedding, no matter WHO it is. This stupid fad really needs to stop

Agreed.

Pantsomime · 10/09/2019 12:50

Surely she knows you and that you can’t afford it. Ask her why, if she wants you there, had she booked somewhere you can’t possibly go to? She’s created the problem, it’s hers to resolve, not for you to bend over and bankrupt yourselves over

Serenity45 · 10/09/2019 13:13

No useful advice OP as it's all been said by PPs but just want to say my own wedding (which was lovely!) didn't cost anywhere near £7k!

Original poster

BrieAndChilli · 10/09/2019 16:56

@Serenity45 neither did mine!! Granted it was 12 years ago but we had a casual wedding bbq and about 40 guests and it came to less than 2 grand for everything (ceremony, rings, outfits, bbq, drinks for all night for everyone, breakfast x 2 for everyone, cake etc) bar people paying £50 each for 2 nights accommodation.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 10/09/2019 17:03

Hold your nerve and keep telling her you can’t afford it. That’s a ridiculous amount to expect someone to pay.

Drum2018 · 10/09/2019 17:04

A firm 'no, it's not happening', every time she mentions it is all that is required. Same to your mil if she mentions Dubai. Even if you could afford it, neither are destinations you want to visit, so just be confident in your decision to say No. Your sister and your inlaws do not get to dictate where you go on holidays or how you chose to spend your hard earned cash.

mnbvcxz098 · 10/09/2019 17:06

If you think it's too expensive - it is. Politely decline.

yikesanotherbooboo · 10/09/2019 17:22

I don't think invitations should come at more than a basic cost eg new dress if wanted and a present. Destination weddings where the guests have to pay for themselves and take time off work to boot are utterly selfish . I would really resent my DSis in this situation; particularly for the manipulative behaviour in trying to make you feel bad. Go out for a nice meal when she is back.

ollo · 10/09/2019 20:55

Just laugh if she asks again and say no as £7k is basically a wedding in itself or three times what you paid! Plus if you're spending that much on a holiday, you'd rather choose somewhere you would all enjoy but you wish them the best in their dream destination.

Nuts. They're actually nuts.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/09/2019 21:04

I had a destination wedding. We didnt put pressure on people to come, said if it ended up just me and OH that would be fine. But we knew my sibling and OHs sibling may want to come but struggle with money so stayed in cheap accommodation 30 quid a night (everyone welcome to stay somewhere better if preferred) and paid half their 600quid plane tickets. Food was cheap there but we bought a few posher meals for everyone.
If she was desperate for you to go she would give you more options of accommodation etc or pay towards it.

JazzyGG · 10/09/2019 21:07

Jamaica can be quite cheap at the moment(compared to why it used to be) could you find a cheaper hotel and go? I mean it's still going to be at least £4K but that's nearly half of what her hotel is. There is a tonne to do in Jamaica I love it to be fair but I would not want to feel forced into that kind of money.

JazzyGG · 10/09/2019 21:08

*compared to what it used to be

thecatinthetwat · 10/09/2019 21:10

Check out some other places to stay.. we got married in St Lucia and some hotels over there are 7k per night but some (and they’re lovely) are just a few hundred. Especially if you can drive. Would you go if it was 2-3k?

Yanbu not to, but worth looking for other places to stay, as I suspect you could do it for half that.

HappyParent2000 · 10/09/2019 21:12

I’m totally on the side that those attending should pay and not those getting married/their parents.

That does also mean that the person paying can choose not to go!

It goes both ways, if you really want someone to go, pay for it. If you can’t afford to pay for someone to be there, then if they can’t either they can decline.

Common sense

misspiggy19 · 10/09/2019 21:15

No way would I stay in an Airbnb in Jamaica. Not safe

donquixotedelamancha · 10/09/2019 21:32

Yes I have said we can’t afford it but it’s the constant comments of ‘oh we just want you there’ ‘we don’t care about anyone else, we just want you and the kids to come’ etc that’s annoying me!

You: "I'm sorry, we really can't afford to pay for a holiday to Jamaica"

Her: "oh we just want you there"

You: "Wow, you still want us to come even though we can't afford to pay for it?"

Her: "Well, we really would like you to be there."

You: "OMG, really? That's so kind. I have to phone DH...... DH, guess what? DSis has just offered to pay for our entire holiday to Jamaica. Yes, she's sooo generous. Apparently she doesn't care about anyone else, she just wants us and the kids to come.....no matter how much it costs"

Problem solved :-)

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