Re Jacob Rees-Mogg. To the tune of 'A Modern Major General'
I am the very model of a prejudiced Etonian
My diction is impeccable, my politics draconian,
I’m quite the polar opposite of what you’d call revisionist
And though I went to public school, at least I’m not a Wykehamist
I’m keeping the tradition of the gentry ent’ring politics
How else are we to keep away the Corbynista Bolsheviks
So through my vivid promises of dividends most decorous
I’ve mobilised the Brexiteers to levels quite obstreperous
I whip them up to frenzy in a manner so Pavlovian
They do not seem to see that it’s increasingly dystopian
So here I stand before you like a skeletal Napoleon
I am the very model of a prejudiced Etonian.
I’ve studied all the Classics from Herodotus to Sophocles
How else am I to criticise my colleagues’ etymologies?
Perhaps that’s why I vote against most freedoms and equalities
These authors are about as old as most of my philosophies!
I know of all the backwards Parliament’ry curiosities
Like letting Commons’ priv’lege keep me safe to spout atrocities
I know the terminologies, chronologies and glossaries
And yet I still behave as if we never lost the colonies.
I often drain the public funds to renovate my properties
Although I have more money than some smaller world economies
I never make apologies for lack of reciprocities
Despite the fact that swathes of Britons lack basic commodities!
My views on social issues haven’t changed much since the Tudor times
I rage against the slightest change to long-outdated paradigms
I lack the base ability to sympathise or empathise
My Commons’ sprawl exemplifies the privilege I symbolise
When criticised on Women’s Rights I hide behind Catholicism
Bending it to justify my heart-of-stone Conservatism,
Yet I sound the clarion of fear of fundamentalism
Without seeming to acknowledge this inherent dualism,
I try to paint a picture of a Brexit most utopian
And when they all explain to me the likely pandemonium
I patronise my critics with my methods Ciceronian
I am the very model of a prejudiced Etonian.