Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum keeps trying to call “dibs” on first baby items. AIBU to be getting irritated?

51 replies

middlesolvestheriddle · 07/09/2019 19:54

DD is 6 months and first grandchild on both sides.

My MIL is great and doesn’t like to step on anyone’s toes so when she buys something she often checks it’s OK with us. (I’ve never asked her to do this she’s just always done this since we announced the pregnancy).

My mum is being annoying though I’m constantly calling “dibs” on buying the first items.

We don’t have the best relationship anyway and I find her controlling. We had several arguments when pregnant as I was trying to rein her in so I don’t know if that’s adding to my annoyance.

I’m the youngest child and so she’s had plenty of times to buy the first items. It’s just coming across as controlling to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BlockedAndDeleted · 07/09/2019 20:44

Ooops, but it sucks and YANBU.

Grey rock her I reckon so she has nothing to push back on.

Chrissylou · 07/09/2019 20:49

You are not being unreasonable. Lije you said, she’s sounds controlling. And also rather diva-like and selfish. Shouldn’t these be your firsts?
Not wanting to completely label her the baddie, maybe she’s had some reasons to behave like that. But this is your Mum so you know her best, so if you think she’s being controlling and you are unhappy with her behaviour trust your feelings. This is your turn and time to be a parent now, enjoy and try not to let her rain on your parade. Best of luck!

Beesandcheese · 07/09/2019 20:52

Practice in the mirror if things are difficult between you. But a firm, "no I/we will be doing that". Then smile and change the conversation (want a tea?, what are we doing for so and do birthday though). You need to draw some lines in the sand. Parents who don't give up be in domineering need a good shove into boundaries YOU are fine with.

Milliways · 07/09/2019 20:54

I am a Grandmother, just the 1 DGC, and I love buying him things, but would always ask first about anything more than a small book or toy.
I did buy his first shoes, but that involved sending the money and getting lots of lovely photos back of the ones he chose being worn- best result!

JuniLoolaPalooza · 07/09/2019 20:55

Hah, this is my mum to a tee!
I just say, yeah that'll be nice.
And when the baby walked, I took her to get her shoes.
A lot of the time it's just a sort of future-projecting where she is involved so I just nod and while.
The latest thing is that she likes saying that anything DD likes she bought, when she didn't. I pulled her up on it yesterday and she huffed and puffed about all the things I'd bought her. haha!

vanillaicedtea · 07/09/2019 21:03

You need to stand up to her. Think about it this way, what would hurt you less when thinking back in the future?

  • Your mum huffing with you for a few weeks because you didn't let her buy your child's first shoes.
  • Your mum buying your child's first shoes and taking that experience away from you

I'd imagine the latter will bother you more. So you need to stay strong and tell her no.

Also, regarding the first hair cut thing, you need to sort that out now before your child's hair is long enough for a cut. It'll probably go something like this:
"Oh yes, about x's haircut, I'll be taking her for it."
"I want to take her for her haircut, don't be so controlling"
"No, DM. I'm taking her for her first haircut. She is my child. You have had the opportunity to take your own children for their first haircut, so don't take it away from me. I'll be taking her, and if you take her I won't allow you to spend time with her on your own."
"You're being ridiculous over a haircut"
"No, you are. My child, my rules. I won't have this conversation with you again. I am taking her and that's the end of it"

She'll probably grumble and gurn about it but stick to your guns. And if she does do it, you need to rip into her and stop unsupervised contact. She'll hate it but you can simply remind her that she cannot be trusted to look after your child alone so you'll have to be there. If you aren't free, she doesn't get to see her grandchild.

You're the parent and it's better to establish boundaries now. If you pander to her you'll still be in this situation when your child is 5, 10, 15 and 20 years old.

BertrandRussell · 07/09/2019 21:08

Smile, say “We’ll see” then ignore her and do the things when you want to. No big deal. Just don’t engage.

Xenadog · 07/09/2019 21:12

Vanilla. Is spot on. Stand up for yourself, you are a mum now and you get to do all the firsts with your child not your own mother.

BiggapTwins · 07/09/2019 21:13

Exactly what BertrandRussell said! I little smirk to underline the point too ;)

mathanxiety · 07/09/2019 21:15

...whenever I stand up to her she says I’m being horrible so...

So tell her to stop being silly, with a little head tilt on your side, and that you are sorry she feels that way.

mathanxiety · 07/09/2019 21:16

Do you want your mother to 'like' you because you are basically an easy person to steamroller over, or do you want her to respect you because you have stood your ground and not argued with her on her terms?

mathanxiety · 07/09/2019 21:18

If she keeps on whining at you and calling you horrible, or whatever, tell her you are not going to stand for being talked to like that.

Make the argument about how she is treating you, not about her feelings.

Derbee · 07/09/2019 21:19

I think I’d involve her with a few things, and leave her out of others. For example, when YOU decide that you are ready for first shoes, you could tell your mum that you and DD are going for shoes, would she like to come? Then you choose, them and she pays if she wants to buy the first shoes. Then take DD for a haircut without your DM.

Or decide when YOU want to take DD for a haircut and tell your mum that you are going for a haircut, and would she like to have lunch afterwards? Etc. If you refuse everything, might she be inclined to fight for more? If you allow her some things, she might feel like she’s been involved in enough “firsts”

Derbee · 07/09/2019 21:21

Or take DD out and buy shoes, and give your mum the receipt as she wanted to buy them. That might encourage her to back off!

topcat2014 · 07/09/2019 21:37

Buying the pram, car seat etc, cot - perfect, thanks for the contribution.
(assuming you get the choice of make).

Haircuts, shoes - no way.

BertrandRussell · 07/09/2019 21:38

Obviously if she’s awful this does not apply. But bear in mind that she is over excited. And that it is actually nice to have traditions that involve other people. My children are grown up now, but my older brother still had to read A Child’s Christmas in Wales to them every year at some point....

BertrandRussell · 07/09/2019 21:39

“Buying the pram, car seat etc, cot - perfect, thanks for the contribution.
(assuming you get the choice of make).

Haircuts, shoes - no way.”

Hmm. What’s that famous Mumsnet word? Ah yes. Grabby.

Didkdt · 07/09/2019 21:41

Don´t respond, glide like a duck and when the time comes do it yourselves or do it with MIL.

howyoulikemenow · 07/09/2019 21:43

I wouldn't argue, I would just make sure that she can't do any of the firsts she wants to do because I'm petty. Haha.

Didyoujustbreak · 07/09/2019 21:47

YANBU.
But it sounds like she is crazy excited.

However, if she doesn't pipe down to reality when the baby is actually here then it would need addressing.

When I was pregnant (first grandchild) my mum said she would help all the time, see the baby all the time, have him over night etc etc.

I now have three children, she's had two of them once and nearly killed one of them by feeding them food their are allergic to and when I had the first baby, begged her for help for one evening because he had colic and I was losing the plot - she said no.

She's a shit grandparent from that perspective and let me down hugely and made promises and commitments she couldn't keep.

Fingers crossed yours is the same? Maybe?

WillLokireturn · 07/09/2019 21:50

Then obviously point out she’s done all that. It’s your turn

This ^^ with spades on

She's not offering to buy baby's first things, she's trying to steal baby's first haircut, getting first shoes etc. The book meh, that wouldn't worry me but demanding Xmas Eve if I didn't fancy it might

That's important memories for parents. So nip it in the bud, just as PPs suggested. "Mum under no circumstances will you do that, those are firsts that are ours as parents. You had your turn with your children, it's our turn with our baby now "

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 07/09/2019 21:51

I would be so tempted to ring her... :o

"Hi, mum! We had such a day! While out buying DD some shoes we decided to pop in and get her hair cut. She was a little frightened poor thing but I was able to calm her down by reading her new favorite book, The Night Before Christmas."

Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2019 22:21

You are right and she is wrong. You are not being horrible just be really clear... a little conversation like this... maybe...

"Mum, I really appreciate you want to do things with dd, and I am grateful you want to buy things for her but there are lots of things we want to do and buy. So for example,

We will buy her first shoes.

I will be reading the night before Christmas to her on Christmas Eve night, we are not even planning on seeing you on Christmas Eve anyway.

We will take her to her first hair cut."

Do not let her have unsupervised access to your child if you think she will attempt to hijack any her firsts.

Really, it is not worth the stress! Let your mum see your child with you present, she does not have a right to any of this. And do celebrate your fabulous mother-in-law for being so great.

Didkdt · 08/09/2019 14:08

Ok @GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou has the best response Grin

WillLokireturn · 08/09/2019 19:38

I don't think you should rush to do those "firsts" with your child just in order that your mum doesn't do them!
First haircut should be when you are ready to have baby's haircut (some parents leave it curly for 3 years before cutting!) and first shoes when baby needs them.

Just be clear with your mum that SHE is not allowed to do that with your baby, they are one of many firsts that are yours (as parents) to experience and celebrate with your baby, not for a grandparent to steal (unless you aren't bothered). You might want to invite her but decide at the time, not ahead. No one gets dibs except you!

If you don't think she'll respect your wishes, then she doesn't get baby on her own as she's untrustworthy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread