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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go for a walk with my DM

20 replies

Benovogaw · 07/09/2019 12:44

My DH (no kids) and I have had to move back to our parents after selling our house. For various practical reasons I am at my DMs and he is at his DFs. We have a few weeks to go until we can move into our new house.

My DM is very generously letting me stay rent free & she does a lot for me, however she seems to think that in exchange for this I should be available in my free time to entertain her. I work full time and get absolutely no time to myself in the evenings or at the weekend. She is retired and home alone all week. I am an only child and her partner (my stepdad) died several years ago. She has just stormed out of the house in a huff because I didn’t want to go on a walk with her as I had some work to do but I had said I would go shopping with her tomorrow. Now there will be a horrible atmosphere/ silent treatment for the rest of the weekend.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

PenelopeFlintstone · 07/09/2019 12:46

How long would the walk have been for?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/09/2019 12:52

I work full time and get absolutely no time to myself in the evenings or at the weekend

What ties up all of your waking hours?

dollydaydream114 · 07/09/2019 12:55

My DM is very generously letting me stay rent free & she does a lot for me, however she seems to think that in exchange for this I should be available in my free time to entertain her.

It doesn’t seem unreasonable that she should expect something in return for you living there rent-free. She’s doing you a massive favour by letting you stay for several weeks.

NerrSnerr · 07/09/2019 12:55

For the sake of a couple of weeks and free rent I think you should suck it up and be her entertainment. You didn't 'have' to move home, you could have paid to stay elsewhere.

greatvengeanceandfuriousanger · 07/09/2019 12:56

Sulking because you don't get your own way is very unreasonable. Your dm has different expectations of your stay. You need a conversation and set out a maybe dinner and one event at the weekend. When do you see your partner?

Cue loads of people saying you should do everything your mum asks because they wish they could have a more time with their poor dead mother. 🙄 My mum died very recently btw.

funnylittlefloozie · 07/09/2019 12:58

Why do you get "no time to yourself" when you have no kids, no partner, no house to maintain? What do you do?

funnylittlefloozie · 07/09/2019 12:59

Btw i am assuming there is a MASSIVE drip feed coming, because based purely on what you've said above, you ARE rather unreasonable.

Cherrysoup · 07/09/2019 13:00

Cue loads of people saying you should do everything your mum asks because they wish they could have a more time with their poor dead mother. 🙄 My mum died very recently btw.

I know, this kind of comment drives me nuts. Not everyone has an amazing relationship with their mum! Sorry for your loss, my dad died a few weeks ago.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/09/2019 13:01

There's a long way between a walk out one evening and everything.

Fcukthisshit · 07/09/2019 13:04

Maybe she’s lonely and just wanted to spend some quality time with you before you move out again?? Personally I think you’re being a bit mean.

pigsDOfly · 07/09/2019 13:07

You sound as unreasonable as each other.

I'm not saying you have to be her entertainment but it really wouldn't have hurt you to have given up a small amount of your massively valuable time - as pps have said what takes up all your time - to go for a walk with your mother.

She's probably very lonely and thought having you living with her for a while would mean you'd spend a bit of time together.

However, I can't stand people who sulk and do the whole silent treatment thing either.

sassafras123 · 07/09/2019 13:09

You only have one mother. Spend time with her before it's too late.

Original poster

Benovogaw · 07/09/2019 13:12

Sorry if this is a drip feed, I meant when I am home from work we are together, we eat together, watch tv together, if I go to a another room to watch a different tv programme in the evening she will go to bed early in a huff. I said there was no need for her to come with me to run an errand the other day and she went in a huff. I see my DH at weekends but he works shifts and wasn’t possible this weekend.

OP posts:

girlandboy · 07/09/2019 13:13

Sassafras123, as a pp has said, not everyone gets on with their mother.
I don't even see mine, and yes she's the only one I've got, but I'd go out of my way to NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!

Don't project.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2019 13:19

She sees you as child to entertain and her adult. She sounds very suffocating. Her tantrums are not your problem.

pigsDOfly · 07/09/2019 13:20

I really don't understand you reasoning OP. If she's annoying you that much why don't you move out and go and rent somewhere on a temporary basis?

That way you won't have to spend any time with her at all.

RandomMess · 07/09/2019 13:23

I feel suffocated just reading that she expects all your free time...

Elieza · 07/09/2019 13:24

If she’s old she may have been a sahm back in the day, in which case she probably has no clue how knackered you are of an evening.

I had to educate my mum, who expected more of me, like the spare time she gave her mum (neither of whom worked full time like I did at the time) but I don’t have that amount of spare time!

She perhaps doesn’t realise.

You might need to have a chat with her. Or even better try and get her out with you to church events or whatever happens around her that she could continue attending once youve left if she is shy and lonely. She probably just wants to be near you as she loves you, claustrophobic though that may be!

I would make the effort. Compromise. Not all the time though, but appreciate her while you can.

If there is a charity shop or cat rescue or something nearby perhaps you could get her involved in that, doing her bit for charity. That would keep her occupied doing good for the community, and off your back when she’s lonely although she’ll still enjoy your company.

Fatshedra · 07/09/2019 13:26

As it is only a few weeks I would ask her if she wants a special weekend or day out as you are very busy most of the time and want to thank her for letting you stay with her rent free.

Ignore the huffing - no point having a big fall out if it's not long to go.

greatvengeanceandfuriousanger · 07/09/2019 13:44

Exactly Cherrysoup, I had a difficult relationship with my dm. sorry to hear about your dad.

I agree with Elieza too, if she hasn't worked full time or has been retired for a while she may not understand how tiring it can be. I love my DC but need to decompress from time to time. Visits to my df are like this. He asks for me to help with a task the minute I walk through the door because he's been waiting all day. After 12 hours out if the house and probably too busy to have lunch I'd rather have a cuppa first. Obviously after my FM's recent death my situation is different to the OPs and I do what he wants and when he wants it. It's exhausting though.

Your update sounds suffocating. The huffing would drive me mad and I'd probably stay with ILs for a a few nights a week if that was an option.

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