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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my friends would just delete this person?

44 replies

StillCoughingandLaughing · 07/09/2019 11:25

I’ll try to keep this short.

Nearly two years ago I fell out with a long-term friend. We had been close at uni but drifting apart for years, yet he always made a massive thing of us being ‘best friends’. (He’s gay, so there’s no chance he has/had romantic feelings for me.) If I go into everything around why we fell out I’d be here for days, but as a snapshot, he claimed I’d ranted at him and torn him to pieces when he’d ‘just had an operation’ (we’d had a calm, clear the air chat - the ‘operation’ was an elective biopsy and he was in the pub an hour later), that I’d ‘snubbed him’ by refusing the offer of a trip to his relative’s holiday home (I’d recently been made redundant - to go would have meant turning down four job interviews) and finally abused me on Facebook and via Messenger for not inviting him to my school reunion night (we didn’t go to the same school). I’d had enough and pulled the plug.

Since we’d both left our uni city long since we had very few genuine mutual friends. To try to get back in with me, he kept messaging supposed mutual friends (in reality friends of mine he happens to know through me) asking them to pass messages on, meet up with him etc. Most have got fed up and blocked him. Last weekend, I met up with a close friend and he popped up immediately with a comment on a photo she’d shared of us. She decided she’d had enough of him expecting her to be a go-between and deleted him.

I felt really relieved that he can no longer pester my friend and that another way to see what I’m up to is gone. I decided I would ask two other friends if they would mind deleting him, as I’m finding it really creepy that he’s still following what I do two years on. I said it was totally their choice and I would respect it if they’d rather not be seen to take sides.

They made all the right noises, saying they didn’t really know why they still had him on FB (they met him once on holiday nearly three years ago). But he’s still commenting on their Facebook posts if I’m tagged - we’re on a trip away at the moment, so there are quite a few - and it’s within seconds. We were joined by some other friends on the second night and one of my friends posted a pic of us all saying ‘Now the whole gang is here’. Ex-friend posts ‘Not quite - one is missing ’, as if to say he should be there.

AIBU to think they could just delete him when I’ve made it clear I’m uncomfortable? I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that he always posts within seconds - I’m sure he has an alert set up for when my friends post (I know he used to for me when we were still friends). I find it creepy that, although I’ve blocked all channels on my side, he can still see what I’m doing, where I’m going etc. I would never ask genuine mutual friends to delete him, but if they haven’t seen him in years and their only connection is gone, why bother keeping him on Facebook?

I can see I’ve failed on the ‘keeping it short’ bit, but thanks for reading!

OP posts:

Scentsandsensible · 07/09/2019 11:30

Yanbu - that’s incredibly strange behaviour from him and your friends must have noticed this.

DerbyRacer · 07/09/2019 11:31

Do you need Facebook? If it was me I would leave Facebook then I would not see what he was saying.

Inebriati · 07/09/2019 11:31

Imagine if you were escaping from an abusive relationship; well now you know who you can trust and who you can't. What you've done is sorted out your actual friends from 'people who support your stalker'.

Jeezoh · 07/09/2019 11:32

Can’t you just block him on Facebook and change your settings so you have to approve anything you’re tagged in?

BettysLeftTentacle · 07/09/2019 11:33

Have you actually blocked him? I think if you have, my understanding is he can’t even see you tagged into posts etc and that would solve the problem immediately.

Oldraver · 07/09/2019 11:33

He's a weirdo, but you've asked your friends once, leave it at that

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 07/09/2019 11:35

I thought if you blocked someone on fb they wouldn't be able to see any posts you are tagged in. And you're comments on posts are not able to be seen either.

Deemail · 07/09/2019 11:35

Block him and ask your friends not to tell you if he comments on their page.

MRex · 07/09/2019 11:37

I think you have to show your friends that message and tell them it makes you uncomfortable. Then ask if they can stop posting anything about you at all; no tags, no photos and vice versa from you. If they say don't like that then suggest the other option is to delete him or block.him from updates, as you'd already requested. You could remove them just for your own sanity, but he'd still see things they post. He isn't their mate, so I don't know why they wouldn't just remove him, have they given any reason?

AwdBovril · 07/09/2019 11:39

You should tell your friends straight. He's stalking you, & enlisting their help to do it. They either need to delete him, mute him, or at least not pass on any messages.

Original poster

StillCoughingandLaughing · 07/09/2019 11:41

I thought if you blocked someone on fb they wouldn't be able to see any posts you are tagged in. And you're comments on posts are not able to be seen either.

I thought that too, but no. They can’t actually see if you’ve been tagged and cannot see anything you post in reply, but it doesn’t stop them being able to see the post altogether.

OP posts:

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 07/09/2019 11:44

Sounds like they just like him and don’t want to block him. They might have just been ‘making all the right noises’ more often than you thought - maybe they’ve seen him in social situations or whatever and kept it from you as he’s obviously still a big deal to you. I personally think you’re overreacting a bit and don’t see how he’s really being ‘creepy’ - yes he’s making it clear he wants to make friends again - maybe he just misses you. Nothing he’s done really rings any alarm bells. And it seems weird that you’re still so like, focused on being angry with him after two years. It sounds like he’s not the only one who should move on. You might find it weird that he sometimes comments on stuff you’re in and clearly wants to Be your friend again but it’s also quite weird how much you’re still angry with him and like irritated by quite minor things that he does.

Original poster

StillCoughingandLaughing · 07/09/2019 11:44

He isn't their mate, so I don't know why they wouldn't just remove him, have they given any reason?

Im hoping they’ve just forgotten about it rather than actively wanting to keep in contact. I think there’s an element of ‘not taking sides’, but to be honest that doesn’t really wash with me, as it’s not as if they’re close or even see each other.

OP posts:

BarbedBloom · 07/09/2019 11:46

YANBU. One of my friends still has my abusive ex on her facebook and tbh it has affected our friendship. The other option is your friend can use the privacy settings to make the post visible to everyone but him

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 07/09/2019 11:46

Cant believe how many people have described commenting on a mutual friends photos on Facebook as ‘stalking’ either just ask these friends not to put photos up of you if it bothers you that much

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2019 11:47

He stalking you and also stalking them. Creepy. I don’t think they understand. I don’t use fb. Maybe someone on here can explain how you can stop this from happening your end. Then let these two people know what you’ve done to mitigate his reaction. Perhaps if you tell them he’s stalking them to get to you they’ll react.

Original poster

StillCoughingandLaughing · 07/09/2019 11:48

Nothing he’s done really rings any alarm bells. And it seems weird that you’re still so like, focused on being angry with him after two years. It sounds like he’s not the only one who should move on. You might find it weird that he sometimes comments on stuff you’re in and clearly wants to Be your friend again but it’s also quite weird how much you’re still angry with him and like irritated by quite minor things that he does.

I’m not in any way worried about his behaviour, but yes, I do find it creepy and wonder why he can’t just accept that I’m out of his life. I’m not ‘still, so like focused’ on being angry with him, but that doesn’t mean I want to forgive and forget either.

OP posts:

Scentsandsensible · 07/09/2019 11:49

But these aren’t “mutual friends”. They are op’s friends who he met once. It’s odd.

MaryShelley1818 · 07/09/2019 11:50

Well you can’t have blocked him if you’re able to read his comments.
You can’t expect to control who other people are friends with. If they want him on FB then that’s up to them. Just block and move on.

MaryShelley1818 · 07/09/2019 11:53

Of course he’s not bloody stalking OP’s friends....what a ridiculous thing to say.
They’re friends on FB and comment on photos - that’s the whole point/purpose of them posting on FB.
As someone who’s actually been a victim of genuine stalking some of these responses are worrying.

Original poster

StillCoughingandLaughing · 07/09/2019 11:56

Well you can’t have blocked him if you’re able to read his comments.

As I have already said, I have blocked him. That doesn’t stop someone from being able to pass me their phone to show me a comment.

OP posts:

RosesAndRaindrops · 07/09/2019 12:00

Well you can’t have blocked him if you’re able to read his comments.

This. If you'd have blocked him, you wouldn't be able to see his comments in the first place, and he wou;dn't be able to see any you make.
Yes, he'd still be able to see photos with you in it of course if it was your friends putting them up - just adjust your settings so you can't be tagged in photos without your knowledge. Or let them know you don't want your pic on FB so can they stop putting them on.
Unfortunately you can't police who other people are friends with though, some must want to keep him.
Just block him if it bothers you.

Original poster

StillCoughingandLaughing · 07/09/2019 12:05

Just block him if it bothers you.

I HAVE. Maybe actually read what I’ve written?

OP posts:

MRex · 07/09/2019 12:06

I don't like the comments by PP who don't think there are alarm bells here, or that the OP somehow doesn't have the right to be upset because it isn't stalking. That's like saying one little punch is ok because it isn't as bad as the GBH someone else got; the degree it doesn't matter because it's still bad. OP has deliberately cut contact with someone who then actively tried to get her friends involved and continues to do so. He is not benignly chatting, he is doing this deliberately and it's nasty. These friends need to stop enabling him to make OP uncomfortable by letting him see what she's doing and comment on it. If they really won't then I'd rethink the friendships with them.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 07/09/2019 12:08

He does sound weird and creepy OP, and you’re well shot of him. I find it weird that people who barely know him still keep him on FB after all his carry on.

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