To feel sidelined by friend?

[Ebonyandivory2]

Might be a little long sorry. I’ve name changed as I feel a tad pathetic tbh. I’d like some honest answers so please don’t hold back. Went out with a group of friends on Thursday. 4 of us in total. One is an old friend of mine, I’ll call her B. The other two are pretty new. They’ve only met my old friend once before in a large group setting. Not long after the evening started i couldn’t help feeling it was a mistake bring B along. I’m still getting to know the other two and it felt like B was taking over? She doesn’t have the biggest personality but last night it was clear she wanted all eyes on her. I didn’t feel like I could get a word in. I was a little quiet towards the end of the night and she sent me a message later saying “I hope I didn’t take the limelight away from you” I feel like If she has to say that then she knows she was being a little over the top and I’m not being paranoid? My question is am I being petty/silly/jealous? I’m trying to see if I have a right to be a tad annoyed. But am i annoyed because I didn’t get to say much and connect with the other two or because I’m worried they’ll like her more than me? (Pathetic I know) I told myself I’ll meet up with the other two without B next time but I can’t decide if that’s mean or not.

If you thought she was being OTT andshe has admitted being OTT, then theres a very high chance the two new friends will have hd exactly the same thoughts about her.
I'd just mix it up a bit, thats what generally happens with friend meet ups, it's not always the same combination of people in the group - sometimes meet with just them sometimes ask her along.

If she's normally quiet she probably went all out because they are new people and misjudged it - another time she may well calm down. Or had she had a couple of drinks and got very talkative ?

And people don;t like or dislike you more or less because of the behaviour of another person - they will like you for yourself - it is irrelvant how your friend B behaved, Presumably since they hadn;t met her before they had already decided they liked you enough to come out with you for the evening.

That ‘limelight’ comment is deeply irritating. She could have said, sorry I went on a bit, I was nervous/over excited. But the limelight reference almost makes it sound like she intended to grab focus and is gratified about it.

Yes it’s annoying and bad manners. A group of people should all give each other time and space. I would feel irritated too.

Whatever you do, don't reply in a way that makes her think she's done nothing wrong.

"It's not about the limelight - I'm not sure what you mean there. I was looking forward to getting to know X and Y but you didn't give any of us the chance to talk."

No apologies, don't try to make her feel OK about what she did.

Yanbu. I tend to cut people out like that now - far too many times I’ve been sidelined and forgotten about.

Thank you for your comments. I must admit I found the limelight comment both annoying and confusing. I’m not usually one to get territorial about friends but I’m late twenties and making new friends is so hard as an adult. Especially in London. Glad I’m not the only one that thought it was off. I haven’t responded to the message about the limelight as I couldn’t think of a way to reply without sounding like a threatened petulant child

I think HollowTalk’s reply idea is really good OP.

Well i’d reply something like ‘are you ok? You did seem a bit turned up to eleven. Is anything going on?’

Being gobby isn’t against the law. Feeling awkward afterwards and sending a weirdly worded text isn’t against the law. If she doesn’t know the new two, she might be a nervous talker and that’s what’s happened. If you wanted a night out just with the new two people then you should just have gone with them. You’ll know next time. Sometimes mixing different friendship groups works, sometimes it doesn’t. Never mind, no need to make a thing of it. Especially if you’re struggling for friends as it is!

fwiw i think sending hollowtalk’s reply 100% will make her feel shitty and cause her to be frosty with you or feel got at. Entirely up to you of you want to do that of course. There are ways to tell people things though, or ways to respond to people that protect your boundaries without causing further bad feeling.

I would definitely address it but in a non-accusatory way. Possibly saying you were concerned she wasn't acting like herself, quite amped, is anything wrong etc.

Hard to know really? What kind of things made you feel upset/overshadowed? Do you think she apologised because she was genuinely ott or because she could tell you were sulking?

Either you like her or you don't. If you like her then I'd put it down to nerves but make a note to not invite her out with other friends again. I rarely introduce friends to one another as it's always a bit awkward.

And I'd probably play down her comment. I cant see how any comment suggesting something is wrong will end well. I imagine she was nervous and knows she went too far.

Personally I wouldn't send an grumpy message if I valued the friendship because she will either be upset or annoyed. Just don't invite her again. Keep your friendship with her separate room these other friends.

Thanks again for responses. I’m not exactly struggling for friends but I enjoy meeting new people and would like to expand the group I have. I might mention that the limelight comment was weird but I’ve decided not to make a thing of it. I just won’t invite her next time. It’s a tricky one because I don’t have this issue with my other friends. Not to drip feed but she made a group chat with them after meeting them once and barely interacting! I just think it’s weird but I’m trying not to be petty

She just sounds a bit socially awkward to me. A possible 'Wendy' in the making as well so probably best to see her separately.

Ugh she’s just invited them to an event in November. I’ll just consider this a lesson learned

Is her name Wendy?

I don't really see what your problem is. You sound annoyed that she got on well with your other friends and that they might become friends too. What's wrong with that?

With the message she sent you it sounds all pretty childish & playground behaviour where she was trying to 'win over' new friends by pushing you out of the way .... and making sure you knew that by following it up with the text she sent you!

Ugh. She sounds awful OP.

She’s asked if we can ‘talk it out’ later. I will say how I feel and leave it at that

I wouldn't let her turn it into a drama by "talking it out". I would just say that you didn't think she stole the limelight but you wondered if she was ok as she was acting a bit OTT compared to usual.

Make sure she doesn't paint you as the one with the problem

Well she painted me out to be the bad guy. Said I was insecure and bitchy which couldn’t be further from the truth. I said surely if I was insecure I wouldn’t have invited you in the first place? She didn’t have an answer for that

The chat didn’t go well then, it’s odd that she seemed to sense what she had done at first but now seems to be backtracking and making it your issue. If you have the opportunity to see new friends without her soon I would make that happen. Possibly she feels threatened by the thought of you making new friends?

She does not sound like your friend OP.