To not feel "in the mood"?

[Missymoomoo59]

NC!
Please don't tell.me to LTB because I know I need to reconsider my relationship.

My DP wants to spend his time hanging out with his friends and family, and then he comes home in the evening, we eat and just kind of chill.

Me, I like going into town and doing stuff. Over time, because he prefers to chill at home or at family/friends houses, I ended up doing a lot of stuff with my own friends. Even weekends away I do with friends because he works some f the weekend. And stuff like drinks in town and cinema etc, I do with friends.

That's fine and we have a pretty light and good feeling relationship.

But now I've stopped wanting sex with him and it's because...I feel like to get in the mood there has to be a bit of seeing each other out the house, dressing up and heading out, just seeing each other in a different context, even seeing a film, I don't know. It feels like since we're always just seeing each other in this kind of slouchy domestic setting, I cant get up the sexual energy.

Does anyone know what I mean? It's like "pyjama sex". And pyjama sex is fine but all the time and it kinds of kills me. Now I feel guilty for turning him down because he looks so hurt.

So as I say I'm not asking for advice on my relationship. I'm asking is this "normal" and if it is, why is that?

It's normal when you don't feel connected in a relationship. You've described the symptoms (we do stuff separately) but overlooked the cause (lack of connection).

(Other relationships may well be fine with each doing their own thing, because the underlying connection is still there.)

@DisplayPurposesOnly Thank you! But do you think this could be a female thing? Because it doesn't seem to bother him...?

Most of our sex is PJ sex as we have young DC so rarely are out and dressed up. We like snuggling in at night.

DH and I have a very good sex life and do go out lots together, just more daytime stuff as a family.

It must be normal not to want to have sex with your partner if you aren't feeling connected.

And if nights out together is what connects for you and it's not happening then it makes sense. ☺️

No, in my relationship we both feel it’s important to go out, change the routine etc.
We had a cozy evening last night, we cooked, we had a bath and got into our pyjamas and watched something together, but it was planned, we both had a busy and emotional week.

But we also exercise, sometimes together, sometimes on our own or with friends. We go to gigs, BBQs, we actively plan stuff. I want to see an exhibition, we discussed this, last night he bought tickets.

So no, it’s not just a ‘bloke’ thing.

It’s not a bloke thing, it’s a lazy fucker thing.

He can’t be bothered to make you feel like you’re important to him or that he enjoys spending time with you. It sounds almost as though you are flat mates who occasionally sleep together.

Yep agree with snotnose.
One of the many reasons ours broke up.
To me, him doing this means he's not making any effort and that is what it would boil down to for me. And yes not making you or the relationship feel valued

@Sn0tnose
Yeah :( I have been hugely stressed lately, money issues, and others, and as a result I have lost a huge amount of weight. It means I'm also not feeling as sexy.

It does feel like we're almost like flatmates. He doesn't ever really compliment me although i do know I'm a fairly attractive woman, it still gets me down. I think stress plus not feeling very "adored" is killing it a bit for me. Sorry for using the word adored but hopefully you know what I mean.

He does "grope" me a lot. I dont mean aggressively! But he is always touching me and stuff so i guess i know he finds me desirable but that's not really the same as going out for the night, dressing up, being told you're beautiful. But then maybe real life isn't like that.

I just feel like I need a bit of fantasy. It all.feels.so pedestrian.

But imo making an effort in a relationship is needed however that may be

Hes not making any effort with you to make you feel special, cherished, or that hes interested in you, so youve lost some of the emotional connection that keeps you going, when initial passionate honeymoon phase is over.

You dont have to feel bad that you cant get aroused by someone who makes no effort to interest you.

So you live together. He goes out with his friends then slobs round the house, gropes you from time to time, never takes you out anywhere, and never compliments you.

Don’t be shocked you’re not simmering with lust. Why would you be? He’s like a busy flat mate with unreasonable expectations.