To ask what the hell kind of spider is this?! (Picture warning)

[SachaStark]

Put my dressing gown on this morning, was peacefully eating a crumpet, then this little bugger ran across my chest. I’m not normally fussed on spiders, but then I also didn’t expect one to be chilling out on my dressing gown trying to join in with breakfast.

I’ve trapped him under a wine glass (because of course a wine glass was the nearest thing to hand) but I want to know if you can help me identify him? He’s got a dark body with a pale kind of weird mark on his back, and orangey legs.

That's a false widow, 100%. We have loads here, lived here 8 years and they're pretty shy. We've never been bitten by one

I think it’s a false widow. I wouldn’t touch it.

It's a HairyNope.

Looks like a false widow I think.

False widow op. Can be bitey and bring up a painful lump.

I'm terrified of spiders - I operate on a know your enemy basis!

Also, I had the exact same spider/chest situ last week. Except DP came home to me partially dressed and whimpering whilst shaking my clothes out at arms length. I'm going to take your example and drink more wine so I'm always prepared

I would like to assure everyone that the wine glass is leftover from last night. However, in my furore, I did trap him under the wine glass in front of the wine rack... so now I’m stuck.

Thanks for all who could help with identification! Like I said, I’m not usually fussed on spiders, but he’s got fucking ORANGE LEGS. Good to know I shan’t die, though. Lack of accessible wine, however...

One ran out of my dressing gown yesterday. That was the day after I encountered a BEAST the size of a tarantula that jumped out of my baby's sling. Where are they all
Coming from this year?!

It's Frank!