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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say that I love my partner but I don't fancy them?

21 replies

Morningonthebeach · 07/09/2019 07:38

This is hard to admit...I have been with my partner 2 years, we own a home together and we are due to get married next summer. I love him...he's kind, he's caring and it feels right. But the sex has mostly gone from our relationship down to once a week or once a fortnight. He's not got a high sex drive or at least that's what he's told me and I'm worried that we don't necessarily fancy each other anymore. Is that an issue or would you say that is normal in a longer relationship?

Thanks for any advice

OP posts:

kellyw1989 · 07/09/2019 07:41

Has the amount of sex decreased a lot? It can be a simple case of boredom doing the same thing over again ?

QueenofmyPrinces · 07/09/2019 07:44

My husband would kill for once a week but we have two young children and have been together over 9 years

We don’t have a particularly frequent sex life but when I look at him I still really, really fancy him!! He came home wearing a suit the other day (which he never does) and all I could think was how sexy he looked.

Do you ever have feelings like this?

If you don’t even fancy him then yes I would be considering whether a future with him is actually the best thing...

That may sound shallow but you are obviously confused about how you feel about him after only two years..... can you imagine living like this for another 40 years?!

ThighThighOfthigh · 07/09/2019 07:50

Does he irritate you day to day? Also, how old are you? Do you want children? Would he be a good partner?

madcatladyforever · 07/09/2019 07:53

I loved my husband but I'm asexual and really didn't fancy him or want sex with him.
I didn't know about asexuality when I married him.
He also has a high sex drive and quite honestly I was not happy in the marriage.
We're divorced now and life is 100 times better, I feel happy again and not constantly having his "needs" shoved in my face.

Original poster

Morningonthebeach · 07/09/2019 07:54

I'm 27, so is he. He doesn't irritate me and I do occasionally get thoughts of 'he looks sexy today's but doing something about it doesn't really occur to either of us. I normally instigate sex and we talked last night about whether it was tiredness or stress causing the lack of sex in our relationship and he said he was worried too. Hoping it's a fixable issue and this is normal as in every other respect he's a good man. Yes we both want kids and it's vaguely planned for after we get married...

OP posts:

kellyw1989 · 07/09/2019 07:55

Do you feel the tiredness or stress or him ?

TeaForDad · 07/09/2019 08:01

At 27 after 2 years you'd expect to be at it all the time.
Tough one but it's a fundamental crack in the foundation for the future.
Do you find anyone else sexy?

BillywilliamV · 07/09/2019 08:02

Do you want to have sex with him more often? Or do you feel that he ought to want to have sex with you more often?
There's a lot of media/ society pressure that can make you believe that a relationship should be filled to the brim with panting lust all the time, or the relationship is no good. If you are happy with the current amount of sex you are having then that's fine. If you feel you want more genuinely, then this may not be the relationship for you.
I was in this situation 20 years ago, the amount of sex will probably decrease further which I was/ am okay with, but I had to work out that I didn't want more sex with him, I just felt that he should want more sex with me ( him being a man and everything!)

ThighThighOfthigh · 07/09/2019 08:08

Have you ever had a long term relationship where there was a lot of good sex? What was different? When you do have sex is it good?

Do you feel dissatisfied with the lack of sex or do you just think you ought to feel dissatisfied?

Original poster

Morningonthebeach · 07/09/2019 08:11

When we do have sex it's really good...I think both of us feel we should want it more than we do. I'm definitely stressed...my career is quite full on, his career has 14 hour shifts. We bought a house in the last six months so I think both if us are stressed...

OP posts:

BobTheFishermansWife · 07/09/2019 08:12

It's good youve both acknowledged it and started talking about it.

Don't leave it there keep talking, explore why sex isn't a big thing (it isn't a big deal for me and dp, we are a once a week couple after 6 years, but it has varied over the years, from almost every night to one in 3 months, you do go through patches) if you're both worried and don't talk it'll start to fester and resentment will grow and if you do decide to stay together and marry, ultimately it'll implode.

But yes, keep the communication going.

Original poster

Morningonthebeach · 07/09/2019 08:12

I've had a relationship where we had more sex but this is my longest relationship...

OP posts:

BerylReader · 07/09/2019 08:17

It was usually me who instigated sex. Eventually I started feeling completely undesirable and gave up. This was after talking to him, going to Relate and saying that I would stop bothering. I stopped instigating - consequently we don’t have sex 🙄.

ThighThighOfthigh · 07/09/2019 08:20

You've moved quite rapidly if you've been together 2 years and bought a house 6 months ago. So you must have both realised it was serious quickly.

When you first met him did you ever think - Phwoooaaarrrr.

ThighThighOfthigh · 07/09/2019 08:27

I've had a relationship where i always instigated sex and was frequently turned down. I backed off and there was no sex at all. People are all so different though, if either of you feel unloved or annoyed over the amount of sex it will get worse. If both of you are happy with the levels and don't feel bad about it then it's fine.

Try to visualise how you would like your life to look in 5 years. Would you prefer to be having sex several times a week or would that irritate you?

Original poster

Morningonthebeach · 07/09/2019 08:27

We have moved quickly. But we were friends before that. I never really got that 'woah' moment. I do love him though.

OP posts:

ThighThighOfthigh · 07/09/2019 08:32

I think you need to go on a mini break away from work and phone to reconnect and destress and see what's what.

woblob · 07/09/2019 08:34

My husband and I don't have sex much (actually, we haven't had sex in 10 months, but we have a 7 month old baby and a toddler). I miss feeling close to him but I don't miss the sex right now. He is a wonderful, kind man and I couldn't imagine doing life with anyone other than him. I do find him attractive but there's no 'wow so sexy' moments. But our relationship is comfortable, and we're on the same page and work so well together. There is SO MUCH more to a happy marriage than sex.
I was worried like you before we got married, but once I pushed back against those thoughts of feeling like we should be wanting to have more sex and accepted what works for us, it got easier.

MoonageDaydreamz · 07/09/2019 08:34

I would say that this is an issue that will probably get worse as time goes on, in my experience. I think most people have less sex post kids, but before kids you can find a way even if you're both tired / stressed (unless there's something more going on, like depression).

If everything else is wonderful then it may be the one thing that you put up with, only you know whether it's a deal breaker. If you imagine splitting up with him over it do you feel horrendous or does a part of you feel relieved / excited?

woblob · 07/09/2019 08:37

I should add, we talk about this within our relationship so I know we're both okay with our (lack of) sex life for now. I think as long as you're communicating and both happy with how things are then it shouldn't be a problem. I also make sure to be physically affectionate with my husband, and him with me, so we don't lose that connection.

underthebridgedowntown · 07/09/2019 08:55

I had a drop off in sex with my DH after we'd been together about two years, which was actually around when we moved in. It sounds like you've had a stressful time, and you're both acknowledging and talking about it which is really good.

I wouldn't worry, just try and prioritise it. When you've never had to make the effort with sex before because it used to 'just happen', it feels weird and almost artificial, but taking those opportunities when you get a phwoar moment, or actively creating a situation, really can get everything back on track.

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