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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Coil or vasectomy?

18 replies

Sometimes1 · 07/09/2019 01:02

AIBU..... i m 38 yrs , DH 40 yrs. We have 3 children ( 5 , 8, 10 yrs)
Am due removal of 1st mirena coil in coming months. (5 yrs with mirena coil....hasn't completely agreed with me, weight gain , hair brittle, dry, cracked, etc ....
would prefer to be without it)
Suggested to DH that he consider vasectomy ....
His response " what if you die & I want more kids " ????
Like wtf? AIBU to to v hurt by this comment?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 07/09/2019 01:17

If he has doubts, then he shouldn't go ahead with a vasectomy. But how he put it, is hurtful.

Did you have another contraceptive planned?

Awaywiththefairies27 · 07/09/2019 01:20

We wouldn't need either if my DH said that to me

FishyMcFishyfingersFace · 07/09/2019 01:31

Your dh could have been a lot more diplomatic with his response, but I can understand his reasoning.

After I had dc 2 my dh offered to have a vasectomy but I was not ready for a more permanent form of contraception and not sure we were finished having dc. It is nearly 16 years later and we have two more children.

But my main reason for having a copper coil at the moment is a bit morbid. If anything happened and we lost any of our children I would want the option of having more.

Even though we are not planning on having more children I really feel I want the option of having more if we decided to try. Personally I am waiting for the natural way things go - menopause, but this is not for everyone, some people might want sterilisation, but it seems your dh is not ready for that yet.

Knitclubchatter · 07/09/2019 01:59

He’s being a baby, had his mouth in gear before his brain.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/09/2019 02:04

You can't force him but his reasoning is crap. If my dh had said that to me I would be very upset and angry.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 07/09/2019 02:05

I believe vasectomies are now typically reversible. It would just be another small procedure. Whether another woman would take a man with that reasoning, however, is definitely up for debate! 😂

JoanieCash · 07/09/2019 02:10

Don’t be hurt. It’s clumsy, but it means he’s not quite ready to do something irreversible to his body. That’s ok and should be respected. You might not be ready to do something irreversible either. Maybe go for a copper coil?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 07/09/2019 07:12

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers

I believe vasectomies are now typically reversible. It would just be another small procedure

Not really - vasectomy reversal has a very low success rate, and is a much longer, more complex procedure. It is also not typically available on the NHS.

No one should think "oh, I'm not sure if I want a vasectomy, so I'll have one and I can always get it reversed". From the NHS website :

It's estimated that the success rate of a vasectomy reversal is:

75% if you have your vasectomy reversed within 3 years
up to 55% after 3 to 8 years
between 40% and 45% after 9 to 14 years
30% after 15 to 19 years
less than 10% after 20 years

MinnieMountain · 07/09/2019 07:41

DH basically got asked that by the GP before he went ahead with his vasectomy.
It's not a nice thought though- why wouldn't his two DC be enough for him?

scaevola · 07/09/2019 07:46

It's his body and his choice,

and although his response left you 'WTf' he does not want his fertility permanently removed by surgery because there are still circumstances under which he does not want to rule out more DC.

You might not want to contemplate your own mortality, and that he could still have a life afterwards. But as he sees it that way, then it would be wrong for him to have the operation.

scaevola · 07/09/2019 07:49

Oh, and vasectomy isn't a small procedure - don't confuse it being possible to perform under local with it being 'minor'

Look at the NHS page about the rate of complications - 10% for the serious ones - ie those which require further surgery to fix or cause (possibly untreatable) pain for over three months. Even denervation or orchidectomy don't fix the worst cases of PVPS

Basilneedswaterandsun · 07/09/2019 07:57

OP your symptoms are not typical for Mirena coil...I would perhaps investigate other causes for them.
Vasectomy is a surgical procedure with complications. If I was a guy I would only consider one if I was absolutely sure I didn’t want anymore kids. Although I can understand what he means - it wasn’t a nice way of putting it. But then we don’t know exactly how the conversation went - perhaps he felt you were pressuring him.

AmIThough · 07/09/2019 08:02

He has a point, to be fair.
There are alternatives to the coil.

Osirus · 07/09/2019 08:13

I don’t see anything wrong with what he said. Why is it so upsetting?

aintnutinchanged · 07/09/2019 08:13

Why don't you get sterilised then

jaseyraex · 07/09/2019 08:15

YANBU to be hurt but he is also not being unreasonable in his response. How he worded it was very clumsy, but he basically doesn't want to take away the option of more kids and that's fine. Can't you just use condoms if you don't want sole responsibility for contraception?

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 07/09/2019 08:15

what @Awaywiththefairies27 said.

Otherwise, condoms would be my answer. It’s not right to force someone into a procedure they don’t want, but complications from pregnancy and child birth aren’t to be sniffed at either. Nor are terminations and women’s contraceptions for some women.

NearlyGranny · 07/09/2019 08:21

He needs time to think. He needs to step up and take full responsibility for contraception now - you've done your bit. He can always pay to freeze and store some 'in case of wife's death' sperm samples. He can use condoms.

I'd give him the three options and leave him to decide. Make sure he understands that option 4, the one where you go on messing with your body and suffering the side effects, is permanently off the table.

There's always option 5: celibacy!

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