Ex didnt show up for DD

[FlipFlopFriday]

DD is 5, her dad and I have been split for 4 years now. We have always had quite a good relationship really and have been able to do things with DD the 3 of us. He can be a bit useless (unorganised, forgetful etc) so I usually have to spoon feed him how to be a good parent.

He has her EOW and despite me being on his case for 3 years to spend more time with her as she misses him, he has done nothing about it. More recently, his mum (retired) offered to have DD on a regular day each week as we had a dispute with her nursery. This went on for about 3 months and DD really improved. Much less crying at bedtime about missing him etc. So I said I know the agreement was to cover me until we start school, but I think considering it has had such a good impact on her then perhaps we need to arrange a regular day that you can collect her from school and take her back the next day as an addition to your EOW.

He has bought a pub since we split, so he is basically saying that he couldn't possibly have DD any more than he can because of his pub (despite the fact he's self employed, his mum is retired and his sister, who lives with, is on a career break). He also says that as he lives 40 minutes away from the school it would be impossible to take her there. He said maybe some afternoons he will pick her up and bring her to my house and play for the afternoon instead

Anyway. This has all been brewing up in me getting more and more upset with his behaviour but trying to keep up our friendship for her sake.

But this morning was DDs first day at school. She was so excited and he didn't show up because he overslept. I watched the excitement drain out of her when she realised he wasn't coming. The teacher ended up having to take my confident little girl out of my arms and drag her into school kicking and screaming. I was crying, she was crying. Just rewriting this now is making me well up! It was awful.

I have decided that I will leave communication lines open for anything to do with DD, but I'm blocking him on every form of social media. And while I will never let on to DD how I feel about him and will still continue to be friendly when she is around, I don't want anything to do with him apart from where she is concerned. I am done having to remind him how to be a father even though it makes my little girl happy when he's there. have never been so furious with him in my entire life and that is saying something.

My friends agree that I need to keep things very straight to the point and cut out the pleasantries. My sister thinks I've done the wrong thing and I should continue being friends with him as it makes life easier for DD.

AIBU?

Of course you aren't unreasonable to stop spoon feeding him. In face you should stop why should you do it?
You are unreasonable to let yourself get so upset that you were crying dropping your child. You are an adult and she needs you to be strong not falling to pieces when she is upset. That said, I understand why you were so upset.
No doubt when you stop enabling him and realise that being a crap parent is who he is, you will also have less of an emotional response to his crapness.

Sounds like you're being very reasonable but unfortunately he isn't willing to make sacrifices for his daughter. The first day of school thing is very sad but hopefully she won't remember it in the future - i don't remember my first day of school or whether my dad was there.

You said his mum was having here a day a week previously - could she continue this to give your daughter more time with her father's family? Also the picking up from school and playing at your house could be a good compromise if you're ok having him in your house without you there and that's all he is willing to do.

I wouldn't even bother trying to get him to have a better relationship with dd. He won't change unless he wants too. She will learn if she hasn't already what an arsehole he is.

In future I wouldn't tell dd he is going to turn up here or there so if he doesn't she won't know about it and if he does, she will be more excited about it. It will save her a lot of heart ache in the long run.

I can't understand how people can see so little of there dcs and not give a shiny shite. My arsehole dad was one of them. We all have a crap relationship with him as adults and nothing but praise for my mum

Oh noooo I do feel for your Dd, little mite,

YANBU

I hope he doesn't keep doing this to her

X

You cant make him have her any more than he is. However you should keep on friendly terms with him as it is nice for DD if you can do so. Do not spoon feed him though. And don't tell DD he will be there if there is a strong chance he wont. You should say we will be leaving at x time DD would love you to be there. Then you don't mention it to DD and you leave at x time whether he is there or not.
You also shouldn't be crying until you have walked away from the school.

Yeah I’d stop spoon feeding the arrangements. If he is over16 and can buy his own pub, you shouldn’t need to hold his hand on regularly waking up and visiting his child.

She obviously isn’t high on his list of priorities.

you really need to concentrate on dd and release your grown 'son' from the apron strings so he can make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.

Sorry, I should clarify it was as I was leaving that I cried! I did just about manage to hold it together until she had to be carried off, but it was a struggle!

@mumofbun I did ask him that, he said he wouldn't feel right asking her to help out any more and as lovely as she is she enables him as well so would probably say no if he wasn't happy with the arrangements!

Thanks all. I do try and discourage the focus away from her dad being there when discussing plans, but he tells her. Once I'd rang his sister to ask if he had left the house, she went and woke him and he FaceTimed her to tell her he wasn't coming which is what caused the wobble, otherwise I'd have tried to gloss over it.

My intention is to continue as I am with regards to being friendly in front of DD and being able to do things together that benefit her. What I plan to cut out is the 'you need to be doing this' 'can you do that for DD she would really enjoy it' and also that we do have a friendship outside of DD and he will often comment on things on my social media unrelated to her. That's what I want to stop.

Sorry to hear she was so upset op

I've had to lie to my son twice in the past about his dad seeing him in a school play, oh daddy was at the back, then give his dad a run down on what he did, so he could go and tell
His son how fab he was bla bla .

I guess it's too late to say he couldn't get parked, but saw her from a distance as she went in?
Clutching at straws I know, it's a delicate line to walk, I would stop telling her he will be there in future, I had to do this, to stop the tears.

You are doing the right thing. Stop enabling his relationship with DD. She isn't his top priority. Block him on SM. I feel sorry for DD, but at least she has one decent parent.

I'm tearing up just thinking about your little DD. No advice, just wanted to say I'm so sorry you have to deal with him Xx

He is bloody useless and I don't blame you. I would not tell your daughter you've planned anything in case he doesn't show up. Just carry on with your life.
He is a fool and will lose her.

You can't force him to make her his priority. For whatever shitty, selfish reason he's not putting her first and as heartbreaking as that is, you can't change that. You can accept it and try to bolster her self-esteem so that it doesn't break her, but as she gets older and becomes much more aware of the situation, you also need to help her accept that sometimes people make shitty choices, and that is one of those people.

My sister thinks I've done the wrong thing and I should continue being friends with him as it makes life easier for DD. AIBU

Why would you want to teach your daughter to put up with that? That despite being a complete arse, you still pick up the pieces for him?

I think effectively what you have been doing is covering his arse to save her heartache (perfectly understandable) however, there will be a point where you just can't do that anymore. Seems like you've reached that point now actually. And the fact he's okay with his behaviour seems to say that he knows you'll cover for him so he thinks he can get away with it.

It makes me incredibly angry (due to my own personal selfish father experience) that he does not think about the implications of his behaviour.

You should not be covering for his lack of parenting skills.

Bless her heart. Some people just don’t get little kids have big emotions. Or don’t care. Not the same thing but I stopped telling dd about plans with my brother and sil as they were really flaky. YANBU. You need to protect your dd and you will do a better job if you are less emotionally involved with how he is acting rather focusing on what your dd needs.

It's not your job to enable his crap behaviour.

You're doing your very best and one day she'll see what a waste of space he is without you ever having to verbalise it.

Trust me, I've been there. My Dad focused on no one but himself. Still does - it's my reaction to it that has changed.

If you keep prompting him on how to be a good dad, she will get a huge shock when she grows up and you are no longer there to prompt him and he shows himself for the shitty dad he is. Much better to let her grow up having an honest relationship with her dad where she doesn't have too high expectations.

Aww, your poor dd

He’s an absolute shit. Can’t he pick her up from school? He owes her a massive apology.

YANBU. You can’t force him to be a good parent unfortunately, you have tried your best to facilitate but he isn’t playing ball. Nothing more you can do other than focus wholly on your DD and ensure she feels as stable as possible.

I found with my dd that I was unintentionally building her father up in her eyes, making it seem like an exciting thing when her father came for her, so I consciously changed that.

I also had to prepare her for the fact that he, like your ex, had no compunction about breaking promises. It is right and proper not to talk badly about their fathers, but there is a middle line that we often forget to walk.

I'm just echoing what has already been said: Block Him. You don't have to be his friend. It's no skin off your nose as my old Gran would have said. It's his fault at the end of the day and he needs to learn to be a Dad. If it were Me I'd stop all visitation until he can learn to step up

I think he should take more responsibility for his DDs happiness. And be more on top of her life and arrangements.

That said I have always had to spoon feed my XH as in reality it's often the Mum who knows and manages it all - married or not. It's worked okay for 12 years,

However I think the first day at school thing was a bit mad. Did you check with him whether it was convenient for him to come? My XH though we were married then didn't come to the first day of school for either of his kids. Why does it need to be such a big palaver? You getting upset was a bit OTT and I'm afraid you helped make that be a much bigger drama than it needed to be.

So sure he ought to be more on it but be realistic and check in with him as to what would work best for him. My XH works abroad for 3 months a year - I've always accommodated that because that his working life. It's not a drama it's a very long path.

@Bouledeneige he had said he would be coming to my house at 8am because he wanted to walk with her. He told her that. He then FaceTimed from his bed to tell her he had overslept. So yes, I'm pretty sure that it was the arrangement and I did not turn it into a 'palaver'. I also clarified in my last post that I was only visibly crying as I was walking away. I was upset because she was so excited and confident about school, but as soon as that call from him she was a different child. It's one thing to feel sad watching your child upset going into school but when you know it's something that could've easily been avoided if someone wasn't so selfish it's pretty difficult to swallow. As for spoon feeding, I'm glad that works for you but I'm currently trying to make ends meet as a student nurse with a house to run on my own and I somehow have to find the time to prioritise my child. Why shouldn't he? I told him with regards to extra time with her that I would work with him and be flexible but he says no, that he just might show up sometimes to play with her at my house (which means he won't). I hate to be one of those people who asks AIBU then complains at the response but I really don't think you're being fair there.

Thanks everyone for your helpful responses. I've blocked him and am now officially off duty, I obviously won't change anything but I won't be encouraging anything either.