To wonder if true friends really exist

[Somethingsosimple]

My dad has been diagnosed with cancer. We are a close family and it has been a real shock. I have confided in a few friends ( mainly school mums) while we were waiting for results but not one of them has remembered to ask again or really care. I find this incredibly hurtful as I have been there for them in the past when they have had family problems. One friend even asked me if I had a lovely school holiday, even though I had poured my heart out to her on the last day of term. I feel like everyone is so busy with their lives. We received some more bad news yesterday and I would so love to have someone I could talk to, but I don’t want to mention it to anyone again as I think people only want hear fun news.

So sorry to hear this :( Its sad, ive felt like this before. People really are so caught up in their own lives now a days things go in one ear and straight out the other. Especially school mums, to be honest id never class them as my 'friends' unless we see eachother outside of the school runs etc. We just have a little giggle whilst waiting for the kids, they dont truly know me or care about me i wouldnt have thought. I wouldnt worry about it too much, if it were a close friend of yours then i'd definitely be more upset. Your family are so important as they love you unconditionally so thats all that matters

If the last time you saw them was the last day of term, they're not friends.
They don't want to be your shoulder to cry on - they want polite chit chat at the school gates (I don't mean that to sound harsh).

Do you have friends who you speak to regularly?

School mums = not proper friends
So sorry for what you're going through

So sorry to hear this. I kind Of agree people are very flaky. Unless it's fun need or something they can relate to, most people are not that interested in other peoples lives.

Find some new friends. Easier said then done but the only solution - also as another poster said I don't think school mums are usually 'true friends'. It takes years to build a solid trusted friendship IMO

I am starting the think this. I have been there for 2 friends I can think off but now I need some support they are no where to be seen. I had a horrible incident at work recently and I texted a friend about it and I eventually got a text 2 days later saying “it will be fine”
That was it. The older I get I feel less of a need for friends

The older I get I feel less of a need for friends

I totally agree with this. I know I sound glass half empty but also many people are full of shit.

I'm also the type of friend that is always initiated the meet ups. Always travelling to see the other person elope rarely offering to come to me.

I've had enough of it. I'm currently trying to start a family and can't wait until I Do because my family will become my safe haven which will lessen the need for friends.

Sounds awful but how I feel from experience

Raspberryfrog

The older I get I feel less of a need for friends

With me it's just the opposite. The older I get the more friends I want. My parents are both dead and so are my grandparents.
I have no siblings and no children. My DH is lovely but he's a homebody. Our social life is almost non-existent.
I'm 51 years old.

It is true that a lot of people are not very interested in people outside their own family bubble.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this but the way you but ‘mainly school mums’ in brackets makes me wonder whether they can really count as ‘friends’? Do you just chat at the gates or do you see them outside of school (without kids?) - would you bother with them again if they sent their kids to a different school? Sounds more like acquaintances to me rather than friends - and there’s only so much emotional support you can expect from an acquaintance. For meaningful and supportive friendships you probably need to look elsewhere.

I think they probably don’t want to bring it up unless you do because they don’t want to like... remind you of it? That sounds stupid as it’s not like you’ll forget, but I’ve been that friend before... one of my best friends dad has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and I DO care but if she’s having a good day I don’t want to bring it up Incase it upsets her, and if she’s having a bad day I don’t want to bring it up and make the day worse. Everyone deals with stress in different ways so I think nobody knows the best way to deal with other people’s problems, and so maybe they thought (like I thought - probably wrongly, I’ve realised after reading your post!) that the best thing to do was just to continue to be there as a friend and let my friend bring up her dad in her own time and when she’s ready.

I am sorry. The good thing about this forum is you can speak and you will receive good advice or just a listening ear.
Too many people are too busy to care much these days, it's a me me me society. Some people are not good at empathy ; too wrapped up in their own lives.
I hope things improve for you in time.
Keep on posting as people on here do care.
Take care

To wonder if true friends really exist?

Haven’t read the other responses but no, I don’t think they do. They don’t for me anyway, unfortunately.

Sorry to hear about your Dad. My DF died on Christmas Day 2008 after being diagnosed just 2.5 weeks prior. You’d think in that case people might say something nice at Christmas time but really people only care about themselves. Sorry it’s doom and gloom but that’s definitely my experience so it’s better not to bother with people really 🤷🏼‍♀️ Sad but true.

People will be wary of bringing it up because it upsets you.

School gate mum are not your friends tho', there are just people you see because you have some short people the same age. where are you real firends? those you went to school with, work with, have life long frinedships with? School gate mums are transient, they will be out of your life when your child leaves Y6

I read an Interesting article about friendship tiers recently that rang true. It basically said that to make it to a top friend you have to have met them really early on in life and the most you can hope for, for friends made after 25/30 is tier 2 friends because you just don’t have the time as working adults to put the effort into friendships that you do when you are young and carefree. Also you don’t go through experiences together. I agree with this to a certain extent. I will never have another “best” friend again but I have made some really good friends, including from
School BUT I spend time with them outside of the playground and go on breaks with them.

I think there's a few things here.

People will be wary of asking how things are in case you burst into tears, get hysterical, react badly. Even good friends would probably ask you somewhere other than in public with kids running riot and you all focusing on whether Tommy needs £1 for school and if you packed Bella's PE kit.

Secondly, they're aquaintymates. More than acquaintances but not proper friends if the only contact you have is at school. I've made a lovely bunch, but I wouldn't rely on th for emotional support unless something happened there and then.

I'm close to school and Uni mates and have made a few close friends as an adult but they were made before kids.

To make aquaintymates proper friends you need real time investment

I feel the same as ICant. I never know what to say for the best and take my cue from the person themselves. I would continue the conversation if the person wanted to talk about it, but feel it is their subject to bring up.

@MrsPeacockDidIt - a lot of truth in what you have just said. All our closest friends go back 50 or more years, we all started out together in nursery school. Some other close friends are from work days, where you are together 8 hours a day for 20 years and socialising too.

They are definately in 'tiers', 4 couples where we do every thing together, another 2 couples who are on the peripherals of that, then each of those friends has their own tiers which become the level 3's. or as I look at it: people I holiday with, people I lunch with, people I say hello to in the pub.

Course they do, I have at least 6 really close friends but the majority of them are from when I was a teenager. We recently had a family bereavement and they were all sympathetic and if they were on holiday they sent their condolences. We have all been around for each other through births, marriages and deaths over the years.
Like another poster I don’t have much family out of dh & DCs so friends are really important to me. You can make mum friends but you need to socialise with them outside of school gates for them to be classed as true friends - same for work ones.

OP, I'm so sorry

IME yes, they do. But they're rare.

Unfortunately, it takes these really toughest times of our life to illustrate who our real friends are, or are not. I found this when going through the same thing with my mother; a time which really sorted out the wheat from the chaff.

My in-laws behaved appallingly, to the extent that I have never been able to look past this and my relationship with them has never recovered. We are now all-but NC.

But friends who I never expected to be there for me were wonderful. They helped hugely, and made what was a horrible and painful time just a little more bearable. My in-laws' selfish, insensitive and callous behaviour made it measurably worse.

I hope you manage to find some real support in your time of need. When I later suffered from infertility problems, I found that support on the internet. Sometimes it's hard for people to relate unless they are or have been in a similar situation themselves.

If the last time you saw them was the last day of term, they're not friends.

This. You're confusing 'people I see a lot of because of similar routines but do not see outside those routines' with 'actual friends'. Talk to your actual friends about bad news, not to people who are standing in the playground next to you keeping an eye out for their child and wondering if they left the oven on.

I'm quite fond of some people I see on the school run, but I never think about them unless I see them, and I never see them unless our paths cross in relation to a school event.

Sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis, OP.

My DF died on Christmas Day 2008 after being diagnosed just 2.5 weeks prior. You’d think in that case people might say something nice at Christmas time but really people only care about themselves.

I'm sorry for your loss, @AhoyDelBoy, but think that's rather unreasonable as an indicator of friendship. Unless you remind them of it, and/or your friends are the kind of people who are very conscious of anniversaries, significant dates, birthdays etc, I don't think that remembering the date of death of a friend's father ten or eleven years on is something a lot of people would remember unprompted, whether it's Christmas or not.

In answer to your question, yes true friends really exist, however as most people have said, they are not the people at the school gates. I have a few really good friends going back a long time. Also I'm friendly with old work colleagues and neighbours, in that we sometimes socialise together. However what I would expect from my "old" friends and the colleagues/neighbours are very different in relation to how they might support me.

Also, people are just different. Some, like you, are good at listening and being kind. And many other people are very wrapped up in their own stuff and can't see past it. Also, some people are a little afraid that it might upset you they you ask. Don't take it personally.

Am also very sorry to hear about your Dad. I know how difficult it can be and you are probably all over the place emotionally. Look after yourself. xxx

my school mum friends are true friends. We might not see much of each other over the holidays but the support I have had from my school community when my mum was ill was amazing. Even DD's teacher from years ago when she was diagnosed asks after her.

I'm sorry about your Dad, OP.

Oh OP I'm so sorry but it sounds like you only have acquaintances as opposed to friends. A real friend would have made the effort to meet up occasionally or at least call you over the last 6 weeks. I never made one proper friend at the school gates, and I have 5 kids so was doing the school run for longer than most, but I have good friends who I've known since primary school and others I've met through work who have been a rock to me during tough times as I have for them when they've needed me. It was shit of that woman who you did confide in not to even bother to ask how your dad is doing and I'm really sorry you are going through this

I also wonder OP what your reply was to the "did you have a nice summer" etc in that emotional closeness is two way.

So a mumbled "fine thanks" or "Tbh Dads illness has overshadowed everything".
The former and they may just assume you don't want to talk about it. The latter let's them know you do.

If they haven't been in contact during the holidays it's because your dad's illness hasn't been in their minds.

Sometimes it's hard to keep track of who has what going on.
Just remind them.

@BrittleJoys
Really? You wouldn’t remember a friends father had died on Christmas Day? I’m not talking about now but in the first year or so.. pretty shit friend imo not to remember something like that!