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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More WWYD? 4 yr old swearing

21 replies

iwantalittleone · 06/09/2019 06:25

Ok little bit of context, ex and I have a DS who is 4. He lives with myself and my partner and sees ex and his gf a couple of times a week. The gf has been around most of DS' life.

Last night DS was messing about putting his top over his face laughing and giggling and said I look like I dick head don't I? My partner and I both heard, he was in the room (I wasn't) and said what did you say so he repeated it. I came in and asked where he had heard those words and he said gf said it to me, I told him we don't use those words because they're not very nice and he got really really upset. I told him he wasn't in trouble they're just not nice words.

This is definitely not a "new gf" bashing thread as we get on most of the time these days but I have no idea how to handle this. I am furious that somebody I place my son in the care of may be using that language not just in front of him but TO him but I know she will never admit it. DS started school this week and I think she will use that. What do I do? How do I handle it? It flowed out of DS mouth that she had said it to him I don't think he would make it up. Help please

OP posts:

HysteryMystery · 06/09/2019 06:28

Ignore it. Anything else makes it more enticing. We had the same issue with DD swearing. She was copying FIL

Original poster

iwantalittleone · 06/09/2019 06:30

Did you raise with FIL? Do I raise with the gf?

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BeanBag7 · 06/09/2019 06:35

I would mention it to her. Not an accusation but more like "DS just used the word "dick head" we dont know where he got it from so are just asking everyone who looked after him recently if they have any idea where he has picked it up from"

If she doesnt admit to it, at least it might make her think before using that sort of language around him next time.

user1493413286 · 06/09/2019 06:39

I would talk to your ex but perhaps take the stand point of “I don’t know the context and DS might have misunderstood but either way I think we all need to be careful so he doesn’t repeat it and get into trouble at school”. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it especially as you don’t know how it was said and if it was how your DS has said. They do need to know he’s repeating things though.

Widowodiw · 06/09/2019 06:50

Well some people swear I’m afraid like troopers and now he’s getting older he will be exposed to swearing. You need to make sure he knows that what’s acceptable for some people is not acceptable for him. I have older children and sometimes I swear like a trooper but they know they don’t.

Original poster

iwantalittleone · 06/09/2019 06:58

There's being exposed to swearing and then there's your 4 year old son being told he looks like a dick head! Sounds like it was said in jest but completely inappropriate in my opinion!

He's just woken up, come into my room and said I didn't like saying those naughty words yesterday. So now it's playing on his mind and I feel so sad for him. I hate the thought of him worrying. I've told him to just remember not to say it again and not to worry about it now.

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AngelicInnocent · 06/09/2019 07:20

He will probably tell her next time she says it that she is using naughty words. Might make her think.

GiveMeHope103 · 06/09/2019 07:24

I think you need to bring it up to your ex. If anything they both will be aware that your ds has told you where he learnt it. I would be furious If anyone spoke to my ds that way. He could also repeat it at school to someone else.

Original poster

iwantalittleone · 06/09/2019 08:10

He got upset when I said I was going to mention it - I shouldn't have said it but it was out before I thought - similar to what she's done with the swearing I suppose! So now I don't know what to do because I don't want him worrying that he's going to get in trouble I said he just needs to tell the truth about where he heard it and he said at daddy's.

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HangryPants · 06/09/2019 14:56

I think you should encourage him to talk about how he is feeling, be gentle and curious and let him know that that squirmy feeling in his tummy is called shame.

Confrontayshunme · 06/09/2019 15:43

Just chat about it. 4-6 year olds lie as much as breathing. My DD said she learned the word c**t from her Granny. She definitely didn't, but we did get to have a funny story and all laugh about it now.

Just say you'd prefer he didn't repeat those things as they're adult words and ignore.

EmeraldShamrock · 06/09/2019 15:54

There's being exposed to swearing and then there's your 4 year old son being told he looks like a dick head! Sounds like it was said in jest but completely inappropriate in my opinion
As a pps said kids lie and usually use the first person who pops into their head, my DS age 4 is constantly saying his sister done it when I know for a fact he destroyed whatever it is.
DC in school do use bad language he could have picked it up there.
I would tell ex and gf not to use bad language as DS is picking it up.
Iwouldn't go talking his word as the truth, if she was using bad language surely he'd have copied before now.

nokidshere · 06/09/2019 15:55

He's just picking up on your feelings about it. Don't mention it again.

Why are you telling him that you are going to mention it? You are blowing this up in his head to something it's not. There is no need to involve him at all beyond saying 'don't say that it's not nice'.

If you have an issue with it speak to his dad about moderating their language in front of him but not whilst your son is there.

Dickhead isn't that much of a problem for lots of people and he's going to come home from school with much worse. You can't be making him feel ashamed every time he learns a new swear word.

nokidshere · 06/09/2019 15:57

I think you should encourage him to talk about how he is feeling, be gentle and curious and let him know that that squirmy feeling in his tummy is called shame

And please do not do this. He has nothing to feel shame for. He's only feeling like that because mummy told him it was bad. You've said your bit now leave it alone

jellycatspyjamas · 06/09/2019 16:22

I’d let it drop tbh, both mine have picked up sweary words from time to time - we have a chat about adult words that aren’t ok for children to use and how grown ups shouldn’t be saying them around kids. No big telling off or drama - and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. They’re going to hear all kinds of language as they go through life, I’d rather they learned what is and isn’t appropriate in which setting and for different people than get caught up in a who said what palaver.

They know it’s not ok to swear, and they know which words are swear words - what other people do is neither here nor there.

Original poster

iwantalittleone · 06/09/2019 16:27

Ahh sorry I was asking more how I should handle it with dad/gf rather than my son.

Nokidsshare - I didn't mention it this morning he brought it up first which I

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Original poster

iwantalittleone · 06/09/2019 16:30

Sorry pressed post too soon - he brought it up first which is why we spoke about it again. You're right I shouldn't have said I was going to mention it and I was kicking myself the second it left my mouth. Mummy fail.

He's come home from school happy, giddy and chatty. No mention of the issue and obviously I haven't and won't be mentioning it again either.

I'm surprised you don't think dick head is that bad though, it was awful hearing that come out of his little mouth!

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jellycatspyjamas · 06/09/2019 16:32

I wouldn’t tbh, if they’re sweating around him they’re going to keep doing it regardless of what you say and it’ll just cause bad feeling. The most I would do is a passing “you’ll never guess what DS said the other day, no idea where that cave from” and leave it there.

He’ll hear much worse once he’s started school.

Cailleachian · 06/09/2019 16:32

I dealt with swearing when my kids were little by teaching them how to swear in an age appropriate fashion.

So if I dropped something it was "BOTHER!!" (then an exaggerated hand clapped over my mouth and looking round to see if anyone had heard). If I was really angry it was "PICK UP YOUR FIDDLESTICKING TOYS NOW!!". There were others as well, but I cant remember them now.

It worked really well. Perhaps a little too well as a Czech friend I had at the time was convinced that "Bother" was an actual English swear word and was genuinely horrified when they came out with it....which all added to the effect.

The world is imperfect and even young 'uns need the words to express that.

Original poster

iwantalittleone · 06/09/2019 16:36

Nokidsshare I've done you an injustice there I apologise. After re-reading your post you say lots of people don't think it's that bad rather than you personally. Sorry about that!

DS has come home happy and that's made me happy!

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nokidshere · 06/09/2019 18:10

@iwantalittleone it's ok. It's not something I like my boys saying although sadly I'm pretty sure that was one of the least troublesome terms they came home with.

When my youngest was in reception (he was just over 4yrs) we were in the car one day and he suddenly said 'mummy what's a fucker' I nearly died! But I kept my face straight and said 'I'm not sure, where did you hear it' and he said one of the boys in his class had said it to the teacher!

So I did my 'oh it's not really a nice thing to say so don't be repeating it, what did you have for lunch today' and it was forgotten. Obviously not by me though

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