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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to thinking that I wasn't really financially controlling?

46 replies

WantingMoreFromLife · 06/09/2019 04:54

My ex and I were together for 15+ years. During this time he didn't work for about half that time despite me constantly asking (begging) him to get a job. I paid for the majority of mortgage payments, house bills, groceries & all child care costs as I worked full time plus had my own small business on the side. I also did the majority of housework, cleaning and cooking.
My ex was pretty emotionally abusive which in the final years turned out to be MH issues (not an excuse for bad behaviour, I know). He also smoked funny stuff every day which I funded the majority of.

He is now saying he's expecting half of everything with our settlement and claims that I was financially controlling which makes me guilty of being abusive as well. I did control the finances but we didn't really want for anything much. I paid for most things we needed and a good portion of things I/he wanted. Sometimes I said no because there was absolutely no reason for him not to be working and I felt that giving him funds whenever he wanted them, was just encouraging him to not get a job.
Was I financially controlling in this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
WantingMoreFromLife · 06/09/2019 04:57

Oh, and no one needs to tell me how stupid I was for letting him get away with it and treat me badly. I know all this.

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 06/09/2019 05:10

No you weren't financially controlling. If he was pulling his weight as a stay at hone parent then possibly you might be seen as such, but it sounds as if he was just a cock lodger who got away with too much.

Alicewond · 06/09/2019 05:15

There’s no doubt you were financially controlling. After all it was your money and you allowed him to have it or not. Instead you need to fight you were emotionally abused by him or agree a settlement

FlamedToACrisp · 06/09/2019 05:22

You weren't financially controlling because you were quite happy for him to get a job and thereby gain financial independence. I can't see why he's entitled to a settlement at all.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 06/09/2019 05:22

Oh for goodness sake, of course you weren't financially controlling. Unless you've been living under a rock, I think it's generally accepted that that term, in the context of a relationship, means that you controlled the finances to the detriment of the other party.

Dipi · 06/09/2019 05:23

You allowed him not to work. WHATEVER his issues, you were complicit.
Do not let this work-shy, weed smoking shit have a penny, but don't think for one moment you weren't an enabler.

Original poster
WantingMoreFromLife · 06/09/2019 05:28

Thanks Dipi. I agree that I was an enabler. I don't know why. I am known by people as a confident, independent lady but for some reason, this man just had something over me. Too complicated to get into details but I just couldn't ever make him see reason and the blame always went back onto me.

OP posts:
BeepBeeeep · 06/09/2019 05:28

No you weren't financially controlling. From what you've written you ensured the bills were paid while he did a lot of fuck all.
Financial control is when you deny
or limit accesss to funds or goods, you did neither.
Don't beat yourself up OP.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 06/09/2019 05:36

Was he looking after your children when he wasn't working?

Original poster
WantingMoreFromLife · 06/09/2019 05:42

Nextphonewontbesamsung, not really. When the kids were little, he didn't help at all. I had a nanny that I paid for despite him being home and then later, the kids went to daycare whether he was working or not. When they got to late primary and high school, I had to work away fly-in-fly-out for a year and a half and in this time, he managed the household though I usually came home to an explosive mess. The kids were at school so during the day, he could have been working and financially, we needed him to work but he wouldn't even consider part time.

OP posts:
Original poster
WantingMoreFromLife · 06/09/2019 05:48

I should mention that the FIFO job started when he was still working in a job. I didn't want to work away but the money was good and we saw it as a sacrifice that would enable us to get ahead financially. Unfortunately, we didn't get ahead because he stopped working 4 months into my contract and once the flights and accomm expenses came out of my wage, I would have been better off staying home and taking a much less paying job. My daughter was 9 when I took the contract and she and I missed out on a lot of mum/daughter time and we didn't get ahead at all.

OP posts:
Aannnaa · 06/09/2019 05:55

Why were you paying for childcare if he wasn't working? Surely you have records of when he was working and not and evidence of your outgoings and spendings - gather them up and show that you, and you alone, provided everything - ESPECIALLY for the children - unless there is a backstory of illness/disability he'll have a hard time getting anything if he wasn't working, wasn't contributing and wasn't even looking after his own kids

daisychain01 · 06/09/2019 05:58

He is now saying he's expecting half of everything with our settlement and claims that I was financially controlling which makes me guilty of being abusive as well.

Focus on the facts. He was behaving like a child and if you'd allowed him full access to finances he would have squandered the money and then where would you have been.

He can whinge all he likes, depending on your marital status, it will need to go through the due legal process rather than him just demanding what he thinks he's due - he sounds like a loser. If you weren't married, don't allow him to emotionally blackmail you into giving him money he doesn't deserve. You'll need it for your DC.

Dipi · 06/09/2019 06:07

I don't know the particulars, but hit this grasping SHIT with every bit of ammunition you have. Play dirty, if need be, as he will. You have your elements of complicity, bit he's a piss taking knob. Fleece the fucker, as he's willing to fleece you. X

Mintjulia · 06/09/2019 06:10

Op, just to be clear, is he your dh or your dp?

Ghostontoast · 06/09/2019 06:15

You need legal advice, it depends on your marital status, law where you are, who owns what and how the children are provided for.

From what you have said he sounds more like a cocklodger, than you being financially abusive.

ColaFreezePop · 06/09/2019 06:17

Is it your husband? If it is regardless of the situation between you when you where married if your children are now over 18 then yes he can demand half and get most of it. This is because your marriage was long term.

I've had female friends lose out like that.

Tonnerre · 06/09/2019 06:50

As I understand it, abusive financial control includes preventing the victim getting access to their own funds, i.e. preventing them from earning and working. Self-evidently, you weren't doing that.

Original poster
WantingMoreFromLife · 06/09/2019 06:58

Hey, thanks everyone. That puts my mind at ease a bit. For reference, we were together a long time but only got married early last year. Again, I know this was a really dumb move and I only have myself to blame for my woes. Our house is set up in a way that legally gives me a much higher % due to bringing property into the relationship. I know this will stand up because I believe it's pretty rigid when set up this way. Just nervous because he is saying I was abusive financially and because he comes across as quiet and humble to others, worried he might be able to wrangle more. The kids are with us 50/50 so no doubt I'll get stuck with a child support bill as well.

OP posts:
AnnaNimmity · 06/09/2019 07:05

Well I don't know actually, controlling aside, - if a woman was in this position, we'd all be piling on and saying that she's entitled to half of everything on divorce? Especially if she argued that she gave up everything to look after the children/to support her H's career (by moving abroad etc)?

But isn't it the case that the issue of financial controlling isn't relevant in deciding the split of assets/maintenance payment on divorce? It's a question of fact I think. I think you need to see a solicitor and get legal advice. I don't think they will be interested in abuse allegations, but just facts on who did what, who earned what, and what the kids need now going forward.

Original poster
WantingMoreFromLife · 06/09/2019 07:07

Not that I mind paying for my kids - just annoyed that I'll only have a child support bill due to someone else being slack. It possibly won't come to that because we have already agreed that I will continue paying school fees, uniforms, allowances and clothes. All he'll have to do is buy groceries and household goods.

OP posts:
Iamnotacerealkiller · 06/09/2019 07:13

I don't see that you would b
Need to pay child maintenance if you share them 50/50.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 06/09/2019 07:20

I know this will stand up because I believe it's pretty rigid when set up this way

Not always where you've subsequently married. It's a bit more complicated. Is this what you've been advised? Seems a bit odd.

Original poster
WantingMoreFromLife · 06/09/2019 07:25

Iamnotacerealkiller, I earn a pretty decent wage and since separating, he's been on Govt benefits. The assessment will probably be 150-250 per week in Australia.
Namechangeforthiscancershit, our house is set up as 'Tenants in Common' with a higher percentage owned by me. It was set up like this because he had nothing when we met. I had a house and my house funds went into our joint property.

OP posts:
BeepBeeeep · 06/09/2019 07:29

He didn't not work because...
He was a carer for you.
Your job took you away permanently.
He became a househusband to support your career.
He was sick.

He didn't work because he's a lazy arse.
He contributed er...not a lot.
You paid the bills, put food on the table, clothes on his back and his weed.
So, out of all that, do you really think a court is going to agree that you're an abuser??
Woman, give your hand a slap!

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