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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenager shoplifting

22 replies

Spooksandchocolatecake · 05/09/2019 19:31

I know this isnt aibu but i didnt know wherelse to put this,

I got called by waitrose today to pick up my daughter as she'd been caught shoplifting.

According to them it's been going on for a year or so and she's been stealing small stuff...jelly...fruit...etc.She's utterly devastated,though I'm aware that's because she's been caught more than anything.She is autistic and is beating herself up far more than necessary,crying having meltdowns and has now gone completely.I honestly don't know what sanctions should be put in place...she's internet phobic and doesn't like leaving the houseConfused

OP posts:
Unshriven · 05/09/2019 19:33

What made her start?

I bet she has a very specific reason.

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 05/09/2019 19:33

Typos:she is really devastated,she's now gone non verble

OP posts:
Unshriven · 05/09/2019 19:34

And did they watch her for a year??

That really seems terribly unlikely. Hmm

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 05/09/2019 19:34

She said she's no idea and now understands that she's a bad person but I couldnt get anything else out of her

OP posts:
Pikapikachooo · 05/09/2019 19:35

I stole as a teen and so did many of my mates
Getting caught scared the shit out of me
And never did it again
Remind here that next time she might get
Police involved and hopefully this is IT

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 05/09/2019 19:36

I wondered that aswell but they just said they were giving her chances

OP posts:
ChickenyChick · 05/09/2019 19:36

Ehy us sanctions your starting point?

I would always try a softly siftly, have a chat, approach first. Maybe she was hungry? Maybe she was goaded into it by “cool girls”? Maybe it is a friendship/bonding thing (with the wrong kind if friends)

There is a reason

I’d want to find the reason first. Sanctions can come later

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 05/09/2019 19:37

@Pikapikachooo I certainly hope so

OP posts:
ThePallidBustOfPallas · 05/09/2019 19:37

Sounds most unlikely to me. I've worked in retail security and there's no way on earth we'd have let someone carry on for a day never mind a year.
Did they actually say that to you?

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 05/09/2019 19:40

I've not shouted at her or punished I just don't know what to do now...I'll try it when she's calmed down but that might take a while

OP posts:
Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 05/09/2019 19:42

Yes in the cttv store room they said that to my face...I feel like they let her get to used to it so she then became comfortable with it.Blush

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 05/09/2019 19:46

How does having autism affect her? I ask because it's such a wide spectrum. Does she understand right and wrong?

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 05/09/2019 19:53

@nobaggypants she understands right from wrong most of the time but it has taken a while to explain.Shes very intelligent and has an high iq but finds it hard to express herself and can't verbalize emotion.

OP posts:
Unshriven · 05/09/2019 19:59

A year though?

What retailer watches for a year? Hmm

OneHanded · 05/09/2019 20:00

Yes in the cttv store room they said that to my face...I feel like they let her get to used to it so she then became comfortable with it.

I’d agree with you, although it doesn’t condone the action, it sounds like she’s become comfortable with something she knows is ‘wrong’ because the expectation built up when teaching her not to take hasn’t come before now.

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 05/09/2019 20:07

Idk I think it played with her head quite a bit

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 05/09/2019 20:10

Like others I don’t understand how it’s been happening for a year and they’re only now acting on it? That’s highly irregular, at the very least you’d get banned from the store before a year?

SleeperSloth · 05/09/2019 20:13

I work with young people who have been charged for offences. Sometimes when they get caught it identifies them to the police and the shop staff. Once they know their details they can sometimes be charged with not only that incident but all previous ones too if there is CCTV evidence.
Where are you OP? Did the police say what would happen now?
I agree with previous posters, I'd be trying to get to the bottom of what motivated her to shoplift. Young people steal for so many reasons.

Louiselouie0890 · 05/09/2019 20:15

I did, my friend showed me first then we just did it a few times and ended up getting caught. It absolutely frightened the life out of me. It was more than enough and thankfully my mother knew it and just spoke to me and that was it. It was genuinely all I needed I was absolutely petrified.never did it again.

Perunatop · 05/09/2019 20:26

I should start by saying that my experience of autism is limited but it seems she's had a hard lesson in learning that actions have consequences. I think you need to wait until she calms down, and then talk to her about it. In talking to her make sure you separate her behaviour from her as a person, emphasising that just because she has done wrong things in the past it doesn't make her a bad person. She can learn from her mistakes, leave them behind and move on with her life. I doubt if any further punishment is needed.

tolerable · 05/09/2019 20:49

Agree that you have to get the bottom of why. guessing she new was wrong to steal...she might not have thought as far as what actually occurs when caught.Have you established if she limited this only to the one store??
Was she there when they informed you theyve monitored it for a year. ?
(cos presumeably thats gony make it harder for her to understand-how many times is it disregarded before it becomes wrong)
As the "worst" bit i.e getting caught and mum called is over now,she would have got fright?been ashamed? .You maybe have to impose a punishment / consequence thats maybe more definitive than a load of emotional responses.also maybe...
Have her write a letter to store manager apologising ?
however,if you are going that route-i'd be hand delivering it and enquiring why year long watching her do it was implemented.is it policy?whats the theory?..make it clear you are not attempting to shift the responsibility onto them but i agree its more encouragement than deterrant.
who did you deal with?...
particularly who was giving her chances? why?was it actually a belief she wouldnt do predictable and aim for bigger value items..or ..did they truley think she might just..stop it
how far up teen ladder is she? //i guess this next thoughts maybe restricted by that..and..might well be neckie as fk.. but as theyve claimed to throw a years worth of chances at a wrong.are they prepared to throw one chance at a right.and have her"serve a punishment" .in store to rebuild trust(she now knows it is camerad).bag packing?//is she ok with people enough for that? shelf stack? i dunno how willing or imaginitive creating a "role"they might agree to. nae cheek nae chance.

there cant be a likelyhood of getting away with it likely to do anything but get comfortable enough to go bigger.

Original poster
Spooksandchocolatecake · 05/09/2019 21:22

Hi yes she was their when they told me she'd been doing it for a year but she didn't tell them they were wrong she kinda just sat their wide eyed.She says it was only that store but I can't tell if she was lying .I did actually ask whether they could serve her a punishment stacking shelves but they laughed it off as I think they thought it was to shock her.Shes 14 and their reasoning was to try and give her chances as she didn't look like "that sort of child".I think you are all right that a further punishment is not necessary atm.

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