To ask when it gets easier..?

[Justincase87]

My DD is 8 weeks today - I've had postnatal depression and anxiety since her birth and am taking Sertraline and being supported by the perinatal mental health team.

Everyday feels like such a struggle - do I love her? Am I bonding? What am I doing?

Since she was born I've had an overwhelming fear of death - myself, my DH, my parents, my baby... I spend most of the day in fear of nothing in particular, just terrified.

I'm scared I will never enjoy being a parent and that I will feel like this forever, and then eventually I'll die. I feel like I've already ruined my DDs life by not being a happy mum, she is fed and changed and has cuddles, but I just don't feel that connection I think I should.

Apologies for the ramble but one lost mum reaching out for some support!

I felt like that after DC2 was born. It took a while, but we've got there. Now he's a happy, if crazy, 2yo currently pushing a train whilst wearing a swimming cap.

Fwiw I don't think you can really connect that much with a tiny baby. They are small little blobs wholly and selfishly intent on nothing but survival. When she gets bigger and more responsive a connection will come.

My turning point was around two years old. There was a lack of help then though (90's).

I think around 12 months, ypur hormones settle and you're used to being a Mum a bit more.

So with help you will get there.

Ive been there, felt just the same after having my first, by the time she was 12 months I was feeling more "myself"
I have 3 children now and ive felt similar both times but not as bad as the first time, I think because I knew and expected the feelings, I rode it out easier (with help from Citalopram 2nd time round)
Its so hard when you arent feeling right, you will come through it

I felt exactly as you did, I found it got easier around the 4 month mark as baby became more smiley etc. I found walking with baby in pram for an hour each day really helped, you are a new mum and of course will be anxious/hormonal my postnatal depression took the form of health anxiety for myself, my kids & my mother it was horrendous but gradually things got alot easier & I found myself happier each day, I didnt use any medication just lots of walks x

Have a gentle hug lass.

It's a huge change for you. Try and not have any expectations on yourself, just be kind to yourself.

Hello, OP. I REALLY feel for you. With my twins, I had awful PND and anxiety. I, too, was on Sertraline and under the Perinatal MH team until they were 1. It started getting a bit easier from 5/6 months, at which time I left my husband, but for me it honestly got better the more mobile they became. I had a great support network, although no childcare, and I forced myself to go to as many baby groups as possible. I wish you all the luck in the world. Xxx

Thank you everyone, it's so tough - she's such a good baby and slept through the night last night, I just feel utterly useless! I struggle to talk to her on my own, and just feel like I'm depriving her of so much!

I'm starting a baby group soon which is for parents who are struggling, and I'm trying to meet up with NCT friends despite finding it hard when other people seem so happy and to know what they're doing. I need to go for more walks while the weather is nice and try and relax a bit more. At the moment I feel guilty having time to myself because I feel like I'm giving her away for someone to hold because I don't like her!

It's reassuring to know others have been through this and got better, although it's utterly pants that anyone has to go through this in the first place!

Hi OP

This is so common. You've not been a parent before or met your baby before! You're doing this while getting over the physical ordeal of birth and the hormones and getting used to a massive lifestyle change. I find it more strange when people do cope to be honest.

I found I felt a lot more normal after about 4 months when I felt like I knew my baby a bit and had a slightly more predictable routine.

I think it doeant help when everyone else is banging on about how life is perfect, making memories and all that shit, which I found NCT was quite bad for. I think if you meet people you can be honest with who feel the same as you, it will help enormously

Be kind to yourself

Hi OP,

I really do feel for you. Becoming a new mum is such a life altering experience, you feel overwhelmed and your hormones are all over the place. It will eventually get easier ... I promise you!!! Babies can be quite hard as they are obviously unresponsive and rely on you for everything... this can feel quite draining and daunting. Please don’t feel guilty for taking some time for yourself. You need to do that. I found my LG became more interesting at around 4/5 months and so it gets easier to connect with them! You will be surprised how much a smile and some nice eye contact can make you feel amazing!
Please don’t compare yourself to your NCT group ... people only show people what they want them to see and I think you would find most of the mums are struggling in some way if they were honest!!
Try to look at the early days of motherhood as a bit of “survival” ... just take each day as it comes. Get FRESH air each day!!! Keep talking to people and tell them how you feel. You could even write some stuff down. If you want to PM me, I’m more than happy to chat.
My LG is now 21 months and I am out of the “fog” ... don’t get me wrong, parenting is still hard work but it is so much more easier now!!!! There is light at the end of the tunnel xx

Hi OP, I felt similar to this. My mum also had a similar experience as well as postpartum psychosis (she thought I was controlling her). I just wanted to reassure you that my mum and I are so, so close. I had a wonderful childhood and she is my best friend.

My daughter and I (she is now 2 and 4 months) also have a brilliant bond, and I now love being a mum (most of the time!). Those early weeks feel like a lifetime ago, and life now is easier, lots of fun and it is wonderful watching her grow.

It’s so nice now I (almost!) want another - something I thought I would never say.

Wishing you all the best. Please don’t put too much pressure on yourself to ‘enjoy it’ or any of that - you have a lifetime together to get to know each other, bond, and enjoy each other.

It does get easier!! Physically the newborn but is the toughest I found. Something that struck me in your post was the overwhelming fear of death. Do these thoughts make it hard for you to focus on other things? If so it might be a good idea to also discuss these with your GP in case it is something more like perinatal OCD instead of postnatal depression.
Congratulations on your baby!

Postnatal OCD was mentioned at one point, I was so poorly I had the crisis team involved at first but no-one has mentioned it since I saw their psychiatrist.

Today is a struggle, was getting on ok and then got what I think is probably my first post-baby period, but having anxious thoughts about there being something wrong and being ill and leaving my baby behind.

Sorry you are having a tough time today. What sort of support are you getting from the postnatal mental health team otherwise? Are you able to talk to other new parent friends too about how you are feeling?