Long Post Ahead. Thank you in advance if you take the time to read this.
I've recently made the hard decision to remove my mother from my life. Throughout my childhood and adulthood, she was difficult. My earliest memory is at the age of two where she would slap me every time I made a mistake while reading. She'd tell me I wasn't allowed to cry because every time I did, a baby drowned in my eyes.
When I hit puberty, things only got worse. If I came second instead of first in a school exam, I would be slapped and told I was stupid. When I got my first boyfriend at 15 years old, she called me a slt and a whre. When she found out I had sex, she took me to an abandoned car park and beat the crap out of me. She said that it was her right to do so and that if I ever told my dad, she'd lock me up in a mental institution. When I started self-harming and my dad tried to help me, she'd stand in the background and say, "Just let her do it. She's a waste of space anyway." She put bars on the windows and would double-bolt the house so I couldn't go out whenever she left. She'd make me clean the house while she watched TV and played games. Whenever she was mad at me, she'd say that my sister was her favourite daughter or her only daughter.
When I got older and moved out, things got a little bit better because she could no longer hit me. But she'd do things like come over to my house (my parents had a spare key) when I wasn't there and rearrange all my things because I "didn't do it right". When I broke up with a longterm partner and told them, she sent me an email the next morning saying how much it hurt her and how she'd spent the whole night crying. When we went out for family dinners, she would joke about how she would whip us and laugh about it.
I've had years and years of therapy to come to terms with this. My dad (although not a perfect man) did the best he could but was often away for work so that he could support us. He blames himself because, even though my mother was supplied with two maids and a driver, he feels he should have done more.
My mother... I know she had a tough upbringing. I know she never learned the healthy ways to express her emotions. I know she did the best she could, with the tools she had. I accept that her behaviour was unacceptable but that it was also the result of being abused herself. I also know that she will not go to therapy or get professional help. Although I think she needs to see a professional, I understand that doing so is incredibly difficult for her because it would mean she has to admit that she might be at fault. I understand that at her age, it would require her to completely remake who she is. I understand that's hard for her.
However, at a recent family dinner, my mother denied all the abuse ever happening. This was something that hit me hard. I accept who she is and what she did. I can't accept her denying it ever happened. So I blew up. I yelled and shouted. I'm not proud of my behaviour. It was the wrong time and place to do it. I regret the amount of stress it put on my father who is already struggling with failing vision and poor health (I said sorry to him).
However, after this, I made the decision that although I acknowledge my mother's behaviour, although I forgive her for what she's done, I just can't put myself in these situations anymore. I can't be around her because it kills me to pretend everything is ok. I know my mother never loved me, because I honestly think she's incapable of loving someone other than herself (she's never told my dad she loves him and has never said sorry). I've accepted this, even though it hurts.
But now, after the decision to go no contact, I'm grieving. I'm mourning the loss of the mother I never had, that I should have had, and I'll never have. I wish I'd had mother who was there for me even when times were tough. I wish I'd had a mother who told me, "you're good enough". I wish I'd had a mother who told me she was proud of me. I wish I had a mother who I could turn to for advice. My mother in law is an amazingly kind and compassionate woman. I know she loves me (and I love her) but it's just not the same.
I'm terrified of people telling me, "your mother did the best she could" and "your mother still loves you". I feel so guilty because I think my mother will take this and lash out at my dad - she's blamed him in the past for "turning me against her" even though he has never said anything but kind words about her and always urges me to forgive her.
I know that society thinks that mothers should always be respected. I know there will be people who urge me to put our differences aside because she isn't getting any younger. AIBU for wanting to protect myself emotionally and mentally?