Sorry it's late but I need to vent. Today I went to visit my biological father who I had no contact with until I was 13. He is of another culture and race, a culture that isn't very prevalent in the U.K so I have no real understanding of it. I've always looked more like my dad than my mum but I've always felt ok in my English family.
Some things bother me though. I'm a bigger girl, wide shoulders, big arms, big bum, which is typical of my fathers race. I am also quite dark and have curly hair. I feel that my grandparents have always had more photos of my white, blonde thin cousins on the wall than me and they also compliment them more. 'Looking beautiful, X' is often posted on FB whilst with me it's more 'weather looks nice.'
They also don't talk at all about my father or my interest in his culture. It is almost whispered that I am not 'fully english' and they haven't told anyone that I have a half sister or other relatives.
Today I felt that maybe I would get that feeling of being home, being in my right place but my family are strangers. My dad and I don't speak enough of the same language, my nephew speaks good English but is not anymore of the culture than I am. He has never met my fathers family and doesn't see his grandfather that much. My half sister didn't turn up but video called in her pyjamas. I feel like at least my English family show up, they care. They might not understand everything about me but they are reliable whilst my dad's side is all talk no action.
I hope I can bring my kids up to not feel constant disappointment at their lack of belonging.