Surname change post separation

[Spintops]

I'm 5 months pregnant, have a 1.5year old and my husband, who has been having an affair, has just left me. Upon finding out, I knew there was nothing I could do to change the situation so there was no point in flipping out and, with two kids involved, keeping things as amicable as possible is best for the kids. So, although I've managed to forgive him, my grief comes in waves and with it comes anger and confusion.

The biggest thing playing on my mind is that when this baby comes along, which surname do I use: mine or his? I don't want to make the decision in anger.

My immediate reaction upon finding out about the affair was to give the kids MY name - I haven't abandoned nor betrayed them and never will. And besides, he never intended on me getting pregnant
again anyway. He'd started the affair beforehand.

But, the thing that is making me question whether or not to give them my name is whether that would complicate things in future if I were to meet someone else, marry them and they wanted a child.
In that scenario I would have two children with MY surname and another child with (most likely) their dad's surname. How confusing that would be for three kids living under one roof! I realise this is hypothetical and a long way off even if it were to happen but I need to think practically right now (it's keeping me going) and not close doors or create a complicated mess for the future.

One thing I could do is use my surname as middle names for all the kids and use the dads' surnames for the respective children.

Thoughts?

Sorry you're going through this. In your hypothetical scenario if your two children have their dads surname and your new baby has new dads surname they will all still have different surnames? Or am I missing something?

What name does your first DC have?

You can only change a child's name if all those with PR agree. Do you think your STBX would agree?

If he does, then using your name makes sense (and you can also give your name to hypothetical future children too)

If not, then I think that siblings should share a name.

It is not necessary to change your name on marriage. It is not necessary to automatically give a child the father’s surname.

You could keep your name and give any subsequent children your name (your future DH could take you name) or double barrel the child’s surname.

You won’t be able to chance your first child’s surname unless your cheating bastard exH agrees.

No, you're right, they would still have different surnames but I suppose it would avoid the 'why do my brother and sister have mum's name and I have dad's name?' scenario. At least if the kids are taking after their dads there's a common theme that's easy to explain. It seems more complicated if some have mum's name and some have their dad's. I could be overthinking things but I don't want to have to change my mind after this baby comes and would like to decide before the arrival.

My husband has agreed to change the name of I want it changed.

Well if he agrees give all of your present and future offspring your surname.

I’d use your surname for all current and future children. I’m married and kids have my surname (I also didn’t change my name when we got married)

If he has agreed to change it then give both children your name. It will be easier to do it for your first child now before they are old enough to understand. Good luck

Change all to your surname.

If he's agreed do it. I know so many single mums who didn't marry who regret not giving the baby their name. Dc has my name as I'm not married.

Change dc1 to your name and give dc2 your name. You know you won't leave them.

You also won't leave any future children.

Dc1 has my name and dc2 has dh's. If anyone asks why, I say fair's fair.

No-one asks though.

Dc1 is delighted she has my name.

Your dc1 has his name? So he'd have to consent to the surname change for them in order for both children to have your (presumably maiden name, assuming you changed) name anyway? Would he do that?
If you've changed your name, dc1 has the married name I'd keep it and register dc2 with the same. Deal with this before considering possible future children with presumably unknown men!

Sorry, my wifi is shit, it hadn't loaded your second post before I posted. Change dc1's name, give dc2 yours and any future children yours also. The here and now is more important than hypothetical future dilemas.

My husband has agreed to change the name of I want it changed.

Great nice and easy, all current and future children have your name.

Why would future children have to have their dad's surname? Why wouldn't they have yours?

When my DC were born, I gave them my surname - I knew that if DP (now DH) were to split up, they'd live with me and I would deal with school/dentists appts etc so it would be easier to all have the same surname. Also, I just wanted it that way.

Get your first child name changed to yours now whilst husband is still feeling guilty enough to agree.
New baby gets your surname too

My eldest has my surname as his father went off with a friend when I was expecting. My youngest has a double barrel surname, mine-dads as we were and are still together. Nothing confusing about it. Easily known as brothers at school as still share a name which I felt is important. If I were to get married I would double mine unless my eldest was able to change his to match.

Much easier for many things if all DC have your name.

I changed my name upon marriage (bloody hated maiden name all my life) and kept it after divorcing, I've now been that name for longer post divorce than I was married!

Dd has same name and it just makes things so much easier, not least when travelling abroad where different surnames can cause issues.

If the lastnames aren't long double barrel all your children's names. This way they all have yours and their dad's. Your new partner could be upset if his family name isn't recognised.

Also if the lastname is extremely common like my partner's it makes their name less common. Some of my friends with common names have issues with wages when they started working.

Give your kids your name, that’s the only thing that’s certain now. If you give them your ex’s name, any future kids will still have a different name to their half siblings

Give the children your last name. And any subsequent children too. Why wouldn’t you?

I suppose the only things preventing me from having all my current and future kids taking my surname are:

• The future hypothetical situation that a future partner would want to use his own name (as is tradition) and the problem if even I wanted to take potential future husband's name. Haven't a clue how I'd feel about that until it happens and I suppose that's what I mean when I say I don't want to close any doors for my future. I may want to always keep my maiden name anyway but I won't really know until faced with the scenario. I liked the double-barrelled suggestion for future kids. That could be a way around that.

• I don't yet have a peace about changing DC1's surname. I know my ex's behaviour is inexcusable and it might not make sense to folk that I would feel bad about changing the surname but he got emotional signing it and it just triggered my sympathy! He's caused enough hurt already and I don't want to cause any.

It's all still very fresh but I'll try sort my head out before baby arrives. Thank you for all the feedback. I totally see the logic in giving them all my name and that was my initial reaction but I suppose I'm still processing everything and have a lot of conflicting emotions. I aso feel like I'm time-limited as I don't want to change my mind after DC2 comes along. Anyway, thanks again!

Change them all to your name, make sure any future children have your name (either on its own or hyphenated with potential partner).

Then all the children have a name in common.

I know a few families where the children have different names for a range of reasons (including alternating mother and father surnames) and they don't seem to be struggling with it.