Am I right to be annoyed?

[goldjar]

DD has had a best friend since they were babies, so I've known mum for 11 years and up until now have been good friends. They moved to a different village earlier this year, and I assumed this was so they could get into the cachement for a good high school.

This never confirmed this was the reason but I started preparing DD that they might not go to the same high school. Obviously DD was worried about this but I tried to reassure her that she'd make new friends and would still be able to see old friend etc.

However, the mum and daughter both told my DD that they'd definately be starting at the same school and that if she didn't like it, then they'd move to the new cachement school.

So my DD has spent the summer holidays thinking they start together, spend a few days with BF here and there over the holidays, but... the day before they were due to begin, I got a group fb message saying that they'd been on the waiting list and got a place so would be going to the new school.

I had to then break it to her and obviously she was devestated. She didn't want to go to school anymore ,She's now had her second day and has been in tears both days as can't find any friends.

AIBU to feel so angry with the mum. I can understand her reasons for not being upfront about the reasons for the move but I can't understand why she didn't tell us earlier that her DD was on waiting list with an iminent place. A place just doesnt' appear does it, surely you know where you are on the waiting list?

I feel like she's totally derailed my DD's start to high school. AIBU?

She could have made a last minute decision, in fact probably did from your post. It's up to her to look after her daughter in way she thinks is best, think yabu. Disappointing for your daughter but not totally unexpected.

You're being unreasonable. This mother didn't "derail" anything. As for your daughter, of course it's a shame she's so upset, but disappointment is a huge part of life and you need to help her deal with her emotions in a productive manner. She will find friends, it just may take a little time.

YABU your friend is looking after her own child's best interests. She could have at least mentioned to you that they were on the waiting list but YABU to think she'd choose the same school as you just to keep your child happy

I think your daughters feelings are valid and it seems a bit shitty to give such a late warning, given how anxious your daughter was. But, there isn’t any point being angry and you should try to help your daughter while not showing any anger cut could have been a last minute decision and you don’t always know in advance if there is a place for your child. Maybe find out more? Reassure your daughter they can see each other outside of school, I know it’s hard for her but it’s not healthy to dwell so much, hopefully she adjusts and settles soon.

I definitely didn't expect her to choose the same school!

I wish she hadn't contradicted our message to DD that they may not go to to the same school and also let us know earlier. I'm not sure why giving us a headsup that they probably aren't going to start together gets in the way of her DDs best interests,

She told you she had been on the waiting list in the group message.

YABU. She's looking out for her own family and you're looking out for yours.

Your daughter will make friends. Kids are resilient.

If you'd known from the beginning that she wasn't going to the same school, your dd would still be in the same position in not knowing anybody. I think you need to encourage dd to join some school clubs, book club, drama club, science club etc for something that she enjoys so that she can meet new friends with similar interests to her. She will make new friends but I think you have to encourage her to push herself to find them.

YABU. She's made a late decision that she thinks is right for child. I totally understand why your DD is upset but you can't possibly expect another parent to turn down a place at their preferred school just to save your DD's feelings.

Mum could not have known that she would get this waiting list place.

She's done what is always advised in her situation - bigged up the school they have a place in to their child and carry on, on the assumption that they will start there.

Highly likely that she didn't even tell her own child, or mentioned it only as a very remote possibility. And no, you don't necessarily know where you are on a waiting list unless you ask. And she may not have even been top - others might have turned down places.

I'd focus more on your DC's resilience. It's not good (and wouldn't have been good even if the friend had started at the same school) for her to be so reliant on a single friend. My DC both started secondary with friends that they never saw as they were put in entirely different classes - that might well have happened to her.

Just to reiterate, I definately did not expect her to turn down a place. I wish she'd let me know they were on the waiting list so I could prepare DD for the inevitable, instead of letting me know, via Fb group that this was the case and that they now had a place, they day before school started.

I'm also don't know why they told my DD the new school was essentially a plan B when it seemed to me it was their plan A. My DD disregarded my warnings that they might not start together because she'd heard from horses mouth that this was not the case.

If they hadn't told their own daughter she was on the waiting list why would they tell yours?
So your DD can tell her then BF could mope around all summer because she wasn't getting what she wanted?

The parents didn't know where she'd be going to school. They didn't know she would get a place at the new school.

You’re angry with the mum? Yabu. She didn’t have to tell you a thing if she didn’t want to.

YABU. She doesn't owe you an explanation

She's looking out for her DD, the same as you are looking out for yours. She did not want her DD friendless, for fear of her moving schools, so didn't tell you. She probably didn't even tell her DD, to be fair.