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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to pull my mother up about her inappropriate comment

20 replies

user1465822474 · 04/09/2019 17:56

This is probably goining to sound funny and I must admit I may have found it slightly amusing but its wearing a bit thin now.
My mother is 83 and lives alone. She's got all her marbles although does repeat herself having forgotton what she's told to whom and when. She's started repeating a phrase she first came out with on a visit last year we went to a flower show together and visited the loos. She tends to take ages and so I was waiting fro her when she came out. "oooh she exclaimed" "I've never known anyone get their knickers down and up as fast as you". She now repeats her view that I am swift with my , er, underwear, wherever in the company of other family members including my 22 year old daughter. I'm finding this embarassing, have asked her not to do it but she says she's only having a giggle. AIBU to be a bit more forceful? She's not a stragner to inappropriate and often humililating story telling at her daughter's expense, it's a characteristic I grew up with. She has has also done bizarre things like maintain contact with my ex husband who I divorced on the grounds of physical and emotional abuse- she sends him and his new family christmas cards and their kids pocket money. It's like she has no awareness of my feelings! ABIU to be more forceful in asking her to not repeat this again?

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 04/09/2019 18:00

YANBU. Each time she says it is reply with something she will find equally annoying. She will soon stop.

mbosnz · 04/09/2019 18:01

You are not being unreasonable.

I feel your pain.

I got fed to the back teeth with my mother telling 'amusing' stories about me to all and sundry. I got so fed up that one time I returned fire, telling the amusing anecdote about when she got plastered at the races, to the point of incapacitation, fell out of the car when they got home, and Dad told other sister to clean her mother up.

If she starts in now, I just have to say, 'ooooh, that reminds me Mum, do you remember the time you. . .'

Campurp · 04/09/2019 18:03

Give as good as you get and throw a comment back at her.

billy1966 · 04/09/2019 18:16

Definitely think of a really embarrassing story to repeat.

Mind you I think you could always say "please excuse Mum, she has no idea of what appropriate behaviour is. Ergo she's still very close to my exh who abused me terribly during our marriage and sends him Xmas cards". With this face🙄.

See how she feels about that being repeated ad nauseum.

StCharlotte · 04/09/2019 18:25

I might snap and really shout "will you stop fucking saying that!!". In public or not, up to you.

Might shock her into submission.

It takes so much to rile me but once I lose it I really lose it.

ColdAndSad · 04/09/2019 18:27

It's inappropriate of her, and she knows it is.

Next time she starts I'd be tempted to say, "You know it upsets me when you say that, why do you insist in repeating it so often?" and then leave a long awkward silence. Or just get up and leave. She will either stop or she won't, but you will at least know that you've spoken up for yourself.

LongWalkShortPlank · 04/09/2019 18:29

I hear you. Its not specifically about that one issue but more a continued chain of disrespectful things. My mum is the same and it's upset me for years. She once made a comment to my friend about how slim she was and how my mum and I didn't try hard enough, after I had lost 6 STONE. She has an ex of mine added on Facebook who physically abused me, I eventually left in the middle of the night. She knows and she wishes him happy birthday and talks to him etc. Its like she has no care for how I feel about anything. It always comes to a head, has never improved and probably never will because she doesn't think she's doing anuthing wrong. I don't really have any advice for you, just wanted to let you know that someone understands it completely.

user1465822474 · 04/09/2019 20:14

well she did tell me she wtaches Naked Attraction so that could be a suitable retort!

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user1465822474 · 04/09/2019 20:18

Th'ere are quite a few I could draw on- she got very drunk at my last significant Birthday party and had to be 'supported' of the restaurant by me. We are not allowed to speak about this!

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user1465822474 · 04/09/2019 20:19

A good idea. I'll def try that

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iklboo · 04/09/2019 20:21

If it were my mum I'd say 'what makes you think I wear any?' Wink

user1465822474 · 04/09/2019 20:21

Thanks this does help. It's like every time she starts on this 'hilarious story' for the enth time I just want her to shut up. So does everyone else. If she had dementia or anything we'd all be OK this is just something we have to deal with. But she hasnt, its just an extension of normal behaviour. I am really sick of this though. I wish I'd never gone to this event with her- it wasnt my thing anyway.

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user1465822474 · 04/09/2019 20:22

ha never thought of that!

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user1465822474 · 04/09/2019 20:24

Good point. I do have plenty of these in the bank!

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LellyMcKelly · 04/09/2019 20:31

She’s doing it for attention. Completely ignore it -don’t respond to it, don’t roll your eyes, don’t even give her the impression that you’ve heard her. Be quick to jump in with another topic of conversation. It will drive her madder than anything you could say or do.

Either that or laugh and agree - “ooh you’re so right, mum. Aren’t I a mad one”. That way you’re stealing her thunder. Either way, once she’s not getting the reaction she wants she’ll get bored. My mum is the same.

user1465822474 · 04/09/2019 20:47

yeah that's another good idea. She'll just carry on tho like a verbal train with no brakes ;-(

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SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 04/09/2019 20:51

Sheeesh.

My sister maintains contact my awful Ex-H and invites him to all family events.

it does my head in.

Has she no ability to discern that I cannot bear to be in his company?

user1465822474 · 04/09/2019 21:54

this really does my head in. It undermines why I divorced him, with a five year old (so its not rocket science to figure this must have been bad) so why the heck does she still do this? It makes me look like I'm lying about my reasons for divorcing him and makes me look like I deserved it by being 'loose' with the underwear elated comments which appalls me and fails to take into account that, on top of the abuse I suffered he also had an affaire when I was pregnant, which she knows full well. I dont want to fall out with her but enough is enough.

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Cherrysoup · 04/09/2019 22:01

Why the hell is she still in touch with your ex? I’d be making that a condition of maintaining contact with her, get rid or you won’t see me for dust. Presumably she’s more than aware of what he did to you?

As for the knickers comment, every single time she raises it, re-tell the falling out of restaurant pissed story then make a bargain about both stopping.

ColdAndSad · 05/09/2019 12:19

OP, the more I read of your mother the more I think she's horrible.

Have a look at Captain Awkward blog. There's a lot of advice there for how best to deal with toxic people.

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