That really. I have a dysfunctional relationship with DB and need to know if this is normal and workable or if I need to step away and let this relationship just “be”.
For context DB is 1 year older than I am. He was quite troubled growing up. We grew up in an explosive family who divorced when we were teenagers. Our whole family divided. Until adulthood my DB and I had little to no relationship. Now we are in our mid thirties, we have our own families and children and I hold on to this hope that we can live free from all the issues of the past. Except I’m faced with the reality that it probably will not happen because the past becomes the present with the angry emotional outbursts.
For example,
I couldn’t make my nieces first birthday party for a reason outside my control. So he lost his temper with me over the phone and said I was no longer my nieces godmother.
A few months later we sitting in a restaurant trying to smooth things over with our father, when our DF steps outside for a cigarette, DB raises his voice and questions how many men I’ve had sex with since being married to DH. (He knew there were people sitting beside us that knew me and I sat there gobsmacked because I’ve been faithful to my DH but actually for a few seconds thought I must be losing my mind, when I tried to answer only DH.) when my DF returned to the table, I left.
We ended up slowly back in contact, I can’t recall how but I have always tried to be forgiving because I love my family, especially my nieces. Except there have been many other instances where I question myself based on interactions with my DB. He would come into my home and take something I’ve just bought, when I try to sensitively ask him did he see “this”, he would become distressed at being accused and become angry. A while later(years), he would laugh about something and when I question why... he would admit he took whatever it was I couldn’t find.
Now these things don’t feel serious to me but I realize I’ve placed a lot of importance of trying to make this relationship work but he seems and like it was just a joke.
Fast forward to recently. I’ve had serious health woes for the last 2 years. I was very ill with meningitis. Been in bed until almost recently. In this time I’ve naturally not been up to my usual social life and social circle. I was struggling with debilitating headaches, other side effects and depression and PTSD. I did prioritize my DB and nieces. Meaning when they needed help with their girls. I did my best to be there for them practically. Except I noticed my DB and SIL stopped asking me how I was. I actually think they didn’t ever ask me but I became aware of it maybe 8 months ago.
I don’t need them to ask how I am but I felt like I was more of a support to them in this time than they have been to me. I did think that I’m doing it more for my nieces.
So just let things be. If I asked if all was ok? DB would say I’m over sensitive.
I was recently hospitalized again and just before getting the results of tests run my brother created a Whatsapp group with our family and myself declaring I have *munchaisen (sorry don’t know how to spell it) but again for a moment I questioned myself and doubted what I’m experiencing within my body placing weight on what he’s saying.
I was heartbroken because he dumped this on this group and then removed himself.
We have had low contact since then. I adore my nieces and I’m missing them terribly. He will not allow any contact between them and me but living in close proximity means I’ve bumped into them on occasion and while my SIL ignores me, it is nice to say hello to my nieces and tell them I love them and miss them. They are little and don’t understand why we haven’t seen much of each other.
So I reached out to my DB and was hoping we would go for therapy to get to the root of the “issues”.
Am I flogging a dead horse? Thinking the situation can change when he doesn’t accept responsibility for his behavior.
Sorry for such a long post.