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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what you'd do, if you were me?

13 replies

IsolaRossa · 04/09/2019 15:29

I'd really appreciate some outside views!

Pertinent information - I used to be self-employed, I made about £4k a month. My abusive ex sabotaged the business when we split, and as I was already feeling quite isolated, I went back to work for a company. It wasn't great. The position was a big pay cut, although local, and very disorganised. Eventually, it gave me a nervous breakdown in December. In February, they paid me in lieu of an employment tribunal - I have a complaint with ACAS about this, as I was really poorly advised.

It took me a good few months to recover, and I've been half-heartedly doing some self-employed work on the side to make money, but not really throwing myself into it. Now I need to be making a decent amount again, pretty suddenly - We need to start paying for things for our wedding soon, my savings are dwindling and my lovely fiancé isn't making as much from his new job as he thought he would.

My choices are;
Go back to work. It'll have a fairly long commute, to be anywhere near a decent salary...the industry has been ruined by Brexit. I'll probably manage an okay amount, but I'll be out of the house a lot. My last job was basically 8am - 9pm.
Throw myself into my own company. Fiancé is happy for me to do this, and I loved it before, it suited me loads. But I'm starting from scratch, and petrified of failure. So, so scared of losing the "dream" of doing it again if I try and fail.

The aggravating factor may be that I have bipolar depression, which makes employment difficult. I usually cope fine for ages, look very competent, get given lots of responsibility and have random, severe flares after 18 months or so. Work is a major trigger for me - commuting, and workplace politics. I have been much healthier being at home this year, even with the woes of working with clients - I've had no more flares. I can't increase my treatment for bipolar due to organ issues.

I don't think there's much else... We're getting married next year, the finances are stressing me out a bit but it isn't that expensive and fiancé isn't worried. I don't like the idea of having to use savings! We'd like to have kids in the next 12 - 18 months, all being well.

Would you look for a job, or focus on building my business? I can't do both, my mind will either be in searching and applying and interviews, or in finding clients. I won't do either well if I try and do both!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/09/2019 15:32

It sounds as though self-employment would suit you better. You did really well with it before - is there any way of picking up your old clients again?

SuperSange · 04/09/2019 15:35

Build the business; You've done it before, very sucessfully. You can do it again.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2019 15:36

This is an absolute no-brainer OP.
Throw myself into my own company. Fiancé is happy for me to do this, and I loved it before
It's truly obvious from this statement.
So what if you fail? You try something else or one of the other options.
What if you are a huge success?
You were before so why can't you be again?
Look at the positive and not the negative.
Give it a go.
Give it everything.
You got this!

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2019 15:38

Sounds like your own company is best for you and where you're happiest.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 04/09/2019 15:40

How did your abusive ex sabotage the business and can you protect yourself from that going forward?

Otherwise, call up those old clients and crack on, if you were making £4 a month then that's fantastic and you obviously have skills that people need.

Leapyearlover · 04/09/2019 15:41

If you fail at your own business you can try employment. If you fail at employment and ruin your mental health that would be far worse.

Idontwanttotalk · 04/09/2019 15:44

Self-employment. You were doing well before and you enjoyed it. It cuts out the commute which can cause problems for your mental health so it's a no-brainer really.

Ormally · 04/09/2019 15:46

Self-employment. Your health is worth more (I have parallel kind of issues to you with the pressures of commuting and so on. Unless I really self-manage all the time, which can be expensive in any case, I know that I get almost burnt out within about 3 years at a time and it's harder each time). Not pushing things that take a lot of energy (travel, long hours etc) also allows you to work on the 'marathon, not a sprint' level, which keeps you a bit more balanced.
Also: possibly get looking into alternative/creative options that can make space to allow you to reduce wedding expenses or ideals if you have to - even if you're not going for all that expensive anyway. I think it probably could lead to a more laid-back view of it rather than worrying you to 'live up to' some future something that's a stretch.
Hope that you have lots of luck with both.

NeatFreakMama · 04/09/2019 15:51

I think self-employment if I were you, your mental health has to be a priority particularly if you would like to start a family.

QforCucumber · 04/09/2019 15:53

Your own company and a cheaper wedding

NearlyGranny · 04/09/2019 15:55

Self-employment! You've done it before and succeeded. It's really hard to be an employee once you've been your own boss. Good luck!

1forAll74 · 04/09/2019 16:19

Self employment sounds like the way to go,especially as you have your partner on board with whatever decisions. You don't need any more stress in your life.!

IsolaRossa · 04/09/2019 16:52

Thank you all! That was pretty unanimous, so I will get back to it... I think I just got stuck in a bit of decision paralysis.

Wedding is already very cheap, we're not ones for spending loads on a day, I'm just really good at stressing Smile

I shouldn't have any issues with ex, thankfully he seems to have moved on. There is a non-mol anyway. He was very upset when he realised I was moving on for good, and broke into my house. He spent about an hour finding clients and emailing them and any partners he could find that I was having an affair with them and the business was just a ruse... I did apologise to everyone at the time, but I could contact some of them again.

I'm going to throw myself back into it. I barely remember doing it before... but I did, and I can do it again. Thank you all! Flowers

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