AIBU to have expected support in this situation

[GeekyGirl1982]

My elderly mother is showing signs of possible dementia or related illness. She is refusing to see a doctor. My step father is stressed out and I'm also worried about him.

I work for a company that provides services to drug companies in this field. I had a horrendous day at work because we were working on something to do with diagnosis and finding out whether people are too far along in their illness to be treated. I ended up crying in the toilets, so I text my DP to say I was having a bad day, explaining why, and saying I could really do with a hug when I get home. She text back saying I should just talk to my Mum and tell her too see a doctor. This was the first time in 6 months of living together that I'd asked for for support in this way.

When I finished work, I text my partner again to say I was on my way.

When I got home, she was waiting for something to finish cooking and browsing Facebook (she would always cook because she liked having dinner early, so I would do all the laundry). I put my work bag down and said hi. Without looking up she said hi back. I reckoned she was busy so I went and said hi to my daughter instead.

We had dinner, and after that partner got back on the phone. I got upset at this point and asked why she wasn't being more supportive. She told me it was because she was busy and I left my bag on the kitchen, which she'd asked me not to do before. I said that was wrong of me but today might not be the day to expect me to get everything right. She told me I was being a princess and I should just tell my Mum to see the doctor.

I'm not in this relationship anymore for more serious reasons (domestic violence).

I'm reflecting on whether I have realistic relationship expectations. And I know you mumsnetters aren't afraid to say when someone IBU.

I dont think you are being unreasonable.

You're worries for your mum and wanted comfort. She didnt want to comfort you and used a shitty excuse for you leaving a bag on the counter for not giving it....

How long have you actually been together? Is she in other ways a good partner?

YANBU, issues with your mum aside domestic violence is always unacceptable and I think your relationship expectations must be skewed (as in not high enough) if you expected someone like that to be capable of supporting you. I'm very glad you're no longer together.

I hope someone can persuade your mum to get some help

We were together for two years. I made her leave last week because she was threatening violence and had previously been violent.

You definitely weren't being unreasonable. She could have at least given you a hug when you got in, or even just asked if you're feeling any better.

I'm glad you asked her to leave. I hope your mom gets the help she needs

My goodness! This is obviously a lucky escape for you!

Hard to see it sometimes when you're in that situation.

Lucky escape OP.
Good call re asking her to leave.
YANBU at all, hoping for some support.
Hope things get easier.

Thanks everyone. I wondered whether it was unreasonable because maybe she was having a bad day too, BUT I know that if I had come home that day to find something had also really upset her, I still would have tried to give her what she needed, so I suppose not

Definitely not an unreasonable expectation on your part - and I'm glad you're out!

Calling you a princess for having needs and asking for them to be met was way out of line and possibly projection, too.

OP Regarding getting your Mum to see a Doctor, i had a very similar situation with my Dad, we tried everything to get him to go to the surgery but he wouldnt budge, in the end i waited until he sat in his chair, i sat in front and very close to him so he couldnt get out of the chair and told him in a very very quiet hard voice that he was being bloody selfish, he was making his partner ill with worry, that his actions were impacting on the whole family. I said i understood he was scared and that we would all be there to help but if he didnt allow me to make an appointment there and then i would walk out and only return to vist his partner once a week. I hope your Mum sees sense soon.

OK! So she is gone, her unsypathetc repsonse probably helped you see her for who she really is.

But she was right.. you do have to do something about / for your mum.

Do try to stop diverting yourself from that with whatifs about the relationship. It must be incredibly hard to deal with those 2 things at wonce, but you MUST, for your own sake, and your DD too!

I hope venting here helps.

I also hope that you can find a way to get yoru DM some effective help!

YANBU
But in future instead of texting, trying calling. People cannot tell you are truly upset and crying via a text. Especially if you arrive home calm and collected.

Oh doomsday, I most certainly wasn't my usual self - all snotty from crying on the way home. Good point about calling though.

I need to have a serious think about what to do about DM. She has, let's say, a quirky personality even before this (and that's maybe one of the reasons why I get into relationships like the last one), and she will take great exception to being told there's anything wrong with her.

@GeekyGirl1982 my mum was like this.

She went from a little forgetful, to mixed up, to confused.

I called her doctor and explained my concerns and what the doctor did was send a letter asking her to attend for a review.

When there the doctor gently asked her about her memory and how she was finding things etc..

She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's almost three years ago now but if we hadn't contacted the doctor there's no way she'd have went on her own accord.

I hope you can get it sorted out.

And yes, your partner was incredibly cruel and distant when you needed comforted.

My best friend died a couple of years ago and it's difficult for me at this time of year. I messaged dh yesterday and told him I'd had a shit day, friend was in my head all day and my heart was broke. He replied saying he'd be waiting with a cuppa and a hug when I got home and that he was sorry that's all he could do. That's all I needed and it meant a lot. It would have meant a lot to you too I know.

Ah Newschapter, I'm so sorry about your best friend. How your DH responded was exactly what I was expecting from my ex DP.

You had told her to leave, then you told her you needed a hug? I’m confused, are you still together or not?

No, this is me reflecting on when we were together and wondering whether I am taking unrealistic relationship expectations with me as I move forward in life.