To have lost my temper a few times at 1 y/o recently

[BadHairFatFeet]

Recently my DS (13 months) has been acting incredibly needy in the evening and refusing to eat, and refusing to settle at night.

I went to back to work full time at 6 months, my DH had him for 3 months after so he's been in nursery (which he loves and which we're really happy with) but over the last few weeks when i get him home he screams and is inconsolable with me if i try to do anything other than carry him around. Then DH comes home and he's a different baby - smiley and amenable. He's never been a good sleeper - we're still struggling with that though some nights are better than others. But we can't leave the room without him trying to climb out of his cot/mess around/working himself up into such a rage or upset that i worry he'll be sick.

This week has been particularly difficult (appreciate it's only weds) and I've shouted at him a few times at tea and last night when he was wide awake. I've sworn at him too over the last few days (told him to eff off when he threw his tea on the floor). I hate myself for it the moment i do it and the guilt could make cry. I look at all the other mums i know and i feel like this is something they would never do, and i feel like i'm losing my mind and don't even know if i can parent if this is what i am capable of. He's a very emotionally intelligent baby (i know every parent says this!) and he picks up on it and i know i need to reign it in, but it's been really hard recently.

Not sure what my question is here. Is this normal or should i talk to my gp?

It could be molars coming through, my daughter just shrieked ALL the time when she was getting hers, its really hard. Try and eliminating this by giving a dose of ibuprofen for kids. Who knows who does what behind closed doors! ideal but you are human

You are probably overtired.

Do you normally lose your temper with others? Is it possible you have postpartum depression?

Perhaps your son would sleep better in your room?

No, not normal. You need to sort yourself out. He’s a baby and whilst his behaviour is challenging, it’s normal and none of it is intentional to hurt or upset you. Absolutely no need to shout at or swear at him like that, it’s not acceptable.

If his sleep is really bad then look at maybe getting support from a sleep consultant to help improve it. Shit sleep makes everything 100x harder.

If you feel you need to go to the GP then go.

I’m not trying to be horrible, I have a toddler myself, I know how frustrating and relentless it can be. But shouting and swearing at him is really not ok.

Could you spend some alone time with him on the weekend, sounds like he's also gotten more used to your husband.

We've got him in bed with us a few times @Winterlife and he's been fine in his own room for a while so we'd like to persevere (bar the odd night of comfort co-sleeping).

I can be snappy at others for sure, but ironically i've been more careful with it since my son was born as want to get better at processing things.

PPD - not all the symptoms apply to me so hoping it;s just over-tiredness.

Your behaviour is not normal, no. Toddlers are hard work but you can't shout and swear at them.
The baby's behaviour sounds perfectly normal. After nursery he needs to feel close to you. Just sit and play, cuddle him. Talk to him happily and carry him while you get dinner ready.
Shouting and swearing and being distant will make him more clingy.
Throwing dinner on the floor, normal. If it bothers you, just give him one piece of food at a time and if he throws it you know he doesn't want it. Don't give him more. You can say "no" if you want, but I find this makes a game of it. So I ignore.
Don't prepare elaborate meals for him, then you'll be less frustrated if he doesn't eat them. Just finger food or bits of whatever you're having is fine.

So try and make some changes. Just think, it's not his problem that you're tired and have been at work all day. He needs your best side.
If you can't make the changes then yes, GP.

I am sure that you're not the only mother who has lost it with a toddler, OP. What goes on behind closed doors would surprise you.

If you could sort out the sleep issues you wouldn't be so stressed and tired.

This will give you some ideas.

I should clarify, our children were not in our bed, they slept in a cot next to our bed.

Also for sleep, I don't understand the problem. Why can't you sit with him until he falls asleep?

Also a lot of anger comes from a place of anxiety.

@winterlife, yes, sorry - i guessed that was what you meant.

@Jamhandprints we very often do whenever he wakes up, but when it's the fourth time in the night, it gets harder.

@SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum thanks for the recommendation

@PablosHoney i'm changing jobs in two weeks part of which is to be around more as i work shifts and weekends currently

Try to walk away when you feel like snapping. I walk away and lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes or until I’ve calmed down.

I've been where you are @BadHairFatFeet. I had a child who didn't sleep until she was 4.5 it is torture.

It's easy for someone to say just sit with them until they sleep but like you my dd woke 4/5 times a night looking for someone to stay with her.

Could you get a mattress on the floor beside the cot so you can hold his hand if he wakes. That way you can stay silent and hopefully both of you can fall back asleep.

We hired a sleep consultant. She was good but we fixed one problem and created another.

It's so very hard when they are over tired all day and cranky. My dd was always grumpier with me than Dh. I think she sensed the stress I was feeling. Get some ear plugs and try remain calm around him and he might not be so agitated.

I've lost it too a few times. Shouting, banging things and swearing. We all make mistakes. We just have to try learn from them.

Best of luck.

Thank you, @Badwifey.

I'm reluctant to get a sleep consultant in for the reason you give and money is tight at the moment.

I almost did lie next to his cot last night and if this continues i'll get a mattress down there to see if this helps.

Glad you're getting some sleep after 4.5 years! x

OP, I wouldn't rule out PPD and think it might be worth a trip to the dr? A friend of mine had a delayed PPD which wasn't diagnosed until her daughter was 18 months, and mine is still around and my son is 18 months. My main symptom is irritability which ironically is actually connected with anxiety? I take antidepressants but also supplement with magnesium which helps on very tired days. Not sure if you are still BFing (or did at all!) but aversion and BF can also affect hormones and mood. It can be a total shit storm so I do feel for you. People saying "you mustn't shout at a baby" are quite right but equally it isn't always easy when you are very overtired. As well as discussing PPD you might talk to your dr about running some tests to make sure you don't have anaemia or another deficiency? Good to rule out.

The clinginess after nursery days is normal, my son is just the same. He just wants me to sit with him, breastfeeds constantly and wants lots of cuddles. He doesn't seem to want much food as nursery gives him about 58 meals a day- maybe your little one isn't that hungry after nursery? Throwing food on the floor also very normal at that age. I would put it in front of him but put something down on the floor to protect it if it stresses you out.

Bad sleepers are very tiring (I have one!) but again if you can rule out a health issue or a deficiency you need some strategies. I lie next to my son's bed on a mattress to feed/pat him back to sleep which helps me drift off without even realising it, so I'm not quite so tired. In the daytime, maybe some mindfulness/breathing exercises may stop you losing your temper.

Good luck!

Thanks @MissB83. I know it sounds naive but at 13 months i'd hoped/assumed i was out "out of the woods" with PPD.

I did breastfeed for 9 months but supply started to dry up slowly when i was back at work. I do miss it and sometimes think it would help if i still could.

We've had a lot of guests/been at family dos a lot recent so we're all

The problem with snapping at DC is it will just make everything worse in the long run. There's no benefit to snapping so next time you feel like it, make sure DC is safe and just leave the room for a minute and take some deep breaths. It's also ok to have a little cry!

Op get a sling.
He's been apart from you all day. He just wants in your arms. You want to sort dinner etc.
I've made many dinners with toddler in the sling. Danced and giggled bounced around. It's not easy but it saves having a squealing child and a grumpy mum!

Oh sit him on your knee to eat. You'll become an expert at eating one handed.

You aren't a nasty mother you are just dealing with the fact your child is no longer a baby but a toddler with their own character.

over the last few weeks when i get him home he screams and is inconsolable with me if i try to do anything other than carry him around.
Mine does that. She does that randomly with my DP as well as he took shared parental leave with her. If we need to do something in the house, and depending what it is we either put her in a baby carrier on our back or let her scream for a bit. She eventually calms down either way. (Though I did tell her to shut up in the car the other day when she was screaming as I had started driving. She did.)

He's never been a good sleeper - we're still struggling with that though some nights are better than others. But we can't leave the room without him trying to climb out of his cot/mess around/working himself up into such a rage or upset that i worry he'll be sick.
All the advice I've got over the years is don't bother moving them to their own rooms until they are ready unless one of you wants to spend half the time sleeping with them.

The other advice I got was fathers are frequently better than mothers in getting the baby/toddler back to sleep - so get his dad to sleep in his room.

told him to eff off when he threw his tea on the floor
I don't swear when she throws her food on the floor. I realise she probably isn't hungry. My childminder tells me if she had eaten all her food or not during the day. If she has, then she frequently isn't hungry later and mucks around with her food before throwing it on the floor.

Oh OP I feel for you. The first 18 months or so of DD2s life she never slept and I was not the type of mother I wanted to be and far removed from the type of mother I'd been with my first. I lost my temper many times/shouted/swore and truly frightened my tiny children on a handful of occasions. I ache with guilt over it.

While there were many factors - I had them 14 months apart, I was overwhelmed, no support, marriage struggles etc. - It was the tiredness that really tipped me over the edge. My mood massively improved once she was sleeping better. I have so much more patience and I'm mostly back to a "gentle parenting" approach. I didn't recognize myself in those days and I hugely regret it but all you can do is try better from here in out and really try and get more sleep anyway possible!

Also it's very normal for your baby to cling to you after nursery - my three year old still does!

Thank you so so much @ColaFreezePop and @Soreo for your words and honesty.

This thread has been a wake-up call - that i a) need measures to try and be more patient but to also come up with strategies to get better sleep so i can think more rationally. It feels like such a taboo admitting this because it seems to go against the expectations on mums.
I love my son fiercely and i know i can do better.

I have been the same as you at times. I know people say its not normal, but every situation is different. I am pretty sure I have been snappy etc due to been so tired. I have a 4 year old and a 20 month old. The youngest is still a bad sleeper, up during the night and then I for the day at around 5, sometimes 6 if we are lucky. She wont stop breastfeeding so it's me who does most of it. I am working 4 days and am so tired I just dont feel like myself. Cant wait till it gets better. I feel I must be getting there. I also thought that after 1 things would get better but it hasn't. She is also very demanding and I also think she is very intelligent so needs so much more attention than some babies. They do say babies that wake a lot during the night can be more intelligent!!
Jot sure what my point is as I am so tired today as my youngest has a cough and kept me awake most of the night but you are not the only one. So long as you are trying to stop .

Best of luck OP. On a practical level on nursery days I make sure I have food ready to throw at them the second we get home they're always hangry by the time we get in and meltdowns soon follow so now I don't usually cook on those days (they're only in two days per week) so it will either be leftovers from the day before or little bits to pick at - anything that can be done in a minute or two as I found it really stressful trying to cook with the two of them crying/clawing at me and it was a huge trigger for my anger so I decided to drop my standards and it's made a big difference.

So now I feed them as soon as we're home/let them have a "picnic" in the garden if it's sunny and then I do absolutely nothing but sit and play with them for the next hour.

I completely focus on them, ignore the chores and give them all my attention. This dramatically reduced the clingyness, allowed us to reconnect and helped them to wind down after a busy day of nursery.

It's hard to do when you have washing/cleaning to do but I think it's so worth it to have a calm house in the evenings.

OP it's such a difficult age, bloody molars, they are needy and annoying most of the time. I've snapped at my kids a few times but when I feel the level of annoyance getting to shouty phase, I try and leave the room (making sure they are safe obviously) for a few minutes to calm down.
You are tired from work and lack of sleep at night of course you are going to get grumpy - it's inevitable. I promise it does get better and try to hold onto that. Some kids just don't sleep (I can attest to that with my 4 year old) We are all just trying are best so please give yourself a break.