To be upset with my Mum?

[sarah8484]

It was my birthday yesterday and I went out for a lovely birthday meal. I have not seen my Mum on my birthday for over 10 years as we lived quite a distance apart but now she lives closer she had the opportunity to see my in my birthday and join us for a meal which i was really looking forward too! This was a planned meal and she said she was coming. She doesn't drive and i was working until 5 and meal was booked for 6.30 so the plan was for her to catch the bus to mine for when I finished work then we would get to the meal in my car. I messaged her on my lunch break asked if she's still coming snd she just said 'no'. I said i had a feeling you wasn't and she replied 'sorry'. Theres one of two reasons why she didn't come, first she spent her money on bingo and fruit machines (she has gambling problem) her pay day was the day before, all she needed to do was have a couple of pound for bus as partner was paying for meal and i was dropping her home. She is quite a painfully shy lady, so maybe she would of been to shy to come out and ear in front of others. Im an only child and my dad passed away years ago, so apart from my children my mum was the 'only family' of mine coming. And the other people there were, my children, partner of 11 years, his parents and his uncle, auntie and a couple of my friends who she has met loads of times before. I do so so much for my mum. I never ask for anything in return i just wanted to enjoy and spend my birthday with her. Aibu to be annoyed with her for either one, not saving a couple of pound for the bus or 2 not pushing herself out of her comfort zone for once to spend a birthday with me. I know she'll say she was ill but she always says this to get out of things so 100% know it would be a lie if she was to say it. Sorry for long post.

I don't think YABU at all. It's a shame that your mother couldn't put you first on your birthday.

You can be upset, and that is your right, but of course this is MN and apparently 'no' is a complete sentence and no other explanation need be given.

I'm erring on the side of social anxiety in front a lot of strangers. I know you want her there, but if you also know this is difficult and she wont come, why do you put yourself and her through this? It's a two way thing isnt it, why would you make someone with social anxiety get out of their comfort zone? If you really wanted your mum for your birthday, you could have had a quiet house supper with her. I simply dont know why you put yourself in the position of being disappointed and her in the position of being made to feel uncomfortable

I get that @WhatsMyPassword, and she does have social anxiety, but as hard as it sounds, she only seems to have it when it suits her. She has no trouble going to bingo, or going down the pub with her friend ect She knew all of the people there. I always feel i have to pick between her and my partner/children. I have babied her since i was a child. Ive always been the parent and she the child. Just once i wanted her to do something for me, i wanted all the people i love there.

Yanbu. Your mum sounds like an absolute let down. I have similar issues with my own family and I can honestly say once I started not caring/lowering kit expectations of them it made my life much better. You can't change anyone elses behaviour, only your reaction to it x

This is tricky. On face value, if she has social anxiety I think YANBU to invite her and hope she came, but YWBU to make a big deal of it if she says yes and then cancels. If seeing her is important to you,you need to arrange it in a way that works for her.

On the other hand if you're right and 'social anxiety' is a convenient excuse and she actually just selfish and unreliable I can totally understand why you're gutted and YANBU at all.

YW also NBU to be hurt and upset if it's the gambling/skint thing. Addiction makes people selfish liars. I would hope you would be able to find compassion for her even still but nobody is a saint and sometimes too much is too much.

Problem is, none of us on the internet can know which of those apply.

YANBU

I'd be taking a massive step back from her. She sounds incredibly self centred

Yanbu to be upset. I hate people who have anxiety but manage things that suit them. Like your dm managing to get to bingo but not on a bus for her dc.
Nothing would keep me from my dc...
Happy birthday op.

Belated happy birthday btw x

@sarah8484 she sounds absolutely rubbish to have done that to you OP. Social anxiety is not an excuse to let your children down. I have social anxiety to a fairly severe degree but if it is important and for someone I love, I will force myself to go to any event. It’s me being uncomfortable and they shouldn’t have to suffer because of my issues. Considering she is happy to go to the bingo etc, I really don’t think she has social anxiety. I just think she’s selfish and if I were you, I would be taking a couple of steps back from her to protect yourself. Keep your chin up (I know it’s tough) and focus on the people who care about you and did turn up

Thank you @Hahaha88 and @Windydaysuponus for birthday wishes xx @TommyShelby she is quite selfish x a lot of people especially my partner, keeps telling me i need to take a massive step back as she expects so much of me. To me its normal as its all ive known but other people say no, you do more than the average daughter does for there mum. When she spends all her money on bingo, i go shopping for her. She probably doesn't even think that the money im using is from my household pot. Im so tired but still keep going and doing everything for her because im all shes got so just really sad she couldn't be bothered to make the effort for me just once

Imo you need to keep your purse shut. You are (though with a good heart) enabling her to fritter her cash knowing you will bail her out. Cold turkey op. She is an adult.