AIBU in needing you lot to spell it out to me (LTB)

[FoolishTwat]

I'm not an idiot, I can understand advance math/computer concepts. I have good reading comprehension, and have read all the 'red flag' posts ever posted on this site.

And yet, I just can't find it within myself to LTB.

It's the usually story, when it's good it's great. He can be funny, kind, amazing in bed.

When it's bad, it's awful. I'm a shadow of my former self. I don't look after myself anymore, have gained weight and never bother with makeup. I have no self-esteem left at all. None.

He doesn't like me leaving the house without him, says it makes him feel like I don't want to be with him anymore. He gaslights me constantly ie. if he watches porn it's fine but an incidence when I watched it seven years ago is brought up and used as an example of me making him feel like shit.

He has sexual chats online with women, at least three that I've known of. Swears to stop every time.

We don't talk about the time he climbed into bed with a friends wife pissed and they kicked him out. We aren't allowed to talk about the time he didn't listen to me say 'no' and I ended up at a rape crisis centre.

Him dumping dd on my mother while I was ill in hospital so he could get pissed up is never mentioned. His drink problem which resulted in him verbally abusing me for a year is ignored.

But I'm the evil one. I'm controlling for not trusting him. I'm cold for not giving him all the constant praise he needs. I am always the abusive, wrong one.

I hate him.

But I'll read all your messages. And I won't do anything. I'm scared that I can't handle disabled dd on my own. I'm scared he will move instantly on while I carry on becoming this bitter haggard unrecognisable person i'm morphing into. I don't trust stepdads (personal issue) and can't face the idea of the rest of my life alone.

And in the morning it won't seem 'bad enough yet' to leave.

So I don't really know what the point of this post is. I just can't say this to anyone in real life as I have no friends left. I keep imaging the next time he fucks up is when I can leave with a clear conscience but it never is.

Would being alone really be so bad? You could dress how you want, leave the house when you want, do what you want. You wouldn't have someone criticise you constantly. You might think you'd be lonely, but you're already lonely because the one person you have is treating you terribly. Could it really be any more lonely? You'd be free.

Raising a disabled child must be so hard but at the moment you're dealing with two children. One actual child, and one manipulative man child who is wearing you out. Ironically you'd probably be less worn out on your own. He's making your life harder, not easier.

I feel so terribly for you. This is as lonely as it gets. In a partnership you don't want. He's abusive and you see that. You're already doing it alone, would being actually alone be so bad? Is it financial? As I understand from your post, he raped you?!

Thats the problem. He really does help with the dc. He is the only one I can talk to about them, he shares the ups/downs/appointments. If I pretend I don't know who/what he really is it's almost like being a proper family.

I know it sounds insane, I can't quite explain it. Whenever I am ready to leave it suddenly seems like a worse fate than staying.

He says he didn't. He thought me saying no and crying was pretend. He stopped after a few minutes and asked me if I was alright and seemed horrified at first. Then he mocked me by joking about 'Oh I guess you'll say I raped you' and joked about calling the police.

I didn't tell my family. He told his and his mother called me vile names and that I was making it up.

I took him back after four days.

Taking into account everything you've said I'm going to skip the usual advice OP. It sounds like you're going to need to inch towards this rather than jump straight in, one little step at a time.

So, as a first step, can you carve out a little bit of time for you to do something that makes you feel good? It takes less than you'd think to start getting that self esteem back, and you need less self esteem than you'd think to find the courage to leave him. You're at rock bottom now so you'll notice even the smallest improvement and it's surprising how much of a boost a bit of self care can be.

It sounds simplistic I know and of course I'd like to see you LTB immediately but sometimes tiny steps are all you can manage. One tiny step leads to another though and you have to start somewhere

It's a cliche, but imagine your DD in your position, how would you feel towards the man, what would you tell her to do?

You are not evil. Not at all, even the slightest bit. You are a decent person, if you weren't you wouldn't be trying to envisage your DD's (and your own for that matter's) future without him (stepdads can be revisited later). You would be having EAs with whoever will listen online instead. This is absolutely the point that the situation is more than bad enough to leave him.

You are not controlling, you are not abusive. You hate him because he deserves it. He is an abusive piece of shit, towards both yourself and your daughter. This is in no way your fault. Your previous experiences of step dads are in no way your fault, nor define your's or your DD's future.

FoolishTwat your post is heartbreaking. I totally hear the pain you are in, and the way you feel so trapped. This is not going to be easy, but you know it has to happen at some point.

He sounds like a pretty good DF, but a truly awful DH. If you leave, do you think he will disappear and no longer be in your DC's lives? I can see why the thought of that is paralyzing.

One step at a time. One small thing, as Hidingtonothing says, will make you feel a tiny bit stronger. You are worth so much more than this life he is making you live!

Can you check whether he is flammable?

Seriously, no matter what you may or may not have done in your life, you deserve better than that piece of shit. Your DC are learning that this is normal, it isn't.

I have been there, had those doubts for 10 years, they got worse and worse until it was either suicide or leave. So I left. He hounded the life out of me raped me, manipulated me etc etc for years.

You need support and I recommend that you attend the freedom programme and contact women's aid. You will find it so much easier coping with DC without that thing. Xxx

From someone who has been there and done that OP, your post broke my heart. It is really better on your own than in a relationship like that. I know that's hard to see, but that first morning you wake up in your own place with your own space and your freedom is a feeling unlike any other.

Please please contact Woman's Aid/Woman's Refuge/Lighthouse. They are wonderful and will help you so much. You DO NOT have to go through this alone.

And now, to be completely blunt and honest: FFS woman! Get the hell out now before he totally destroys you or you end up seriously considering jumping in front of a train like I did just before I left him.

Thank you, genuinely sometimes I feel as if I am going mad. He switches from so nice to this enemy so quickly.

I am also scared of what would happen to the dc when I leave. I saw what happened to dsd. His family 'like a drink' (get so smashed they can't stand then start ripping verbal chunks out of whoever is in earshot. I regularly had to take dsd up to bed when he and his mother started slagging her mother off.

His ex is the 'evil cow' lucky cow who left him when dsd was 6.

I won't be there to help dd or ds. They would happily get into that state without a thought to dd (I'm not a puritan and like a glass of wine, but dd needs quiet, not screaming adults).

I have actually been considering joining a local gym. My dm said she would watch the dc for me. I know he will make me feel guilty for it but I think if I got a bit of my self-confidence back I could think a bit straighter.

I look at old pictures of me out with friends and it's like looking at a completely different person. I was actually bubbly, friendly, chatty. Now I feel so wretched I can't being myseld to interact with anyone.

I will look into that, thank you. I just don't have any faith in myself to get a grip.

Sadly it has already been at that point. I got put on drugs and saw a therapist last year (who actually mentioned that freedom program now I think about it?) because I'd scared myself when I caught myself planning exactly when/where I'd jump. I don't want to be overdramatic, I don't think i'd really have left dd. It was just a shock that I'd even daydream about something like that, like a normal person would dream about winning the lottery!

The Freedom Programme is what gave me the courage to leave the ex. I obviously didn't tell him what it was, I said I was doing a confidence building course. He thought this was great, as he couldn't understand why I had no self confidence . Prick!

Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat. I can tell you what I did to leave and perhaps that will help you.

Yes, it can pop in to your mind just like that, scary, I know.

You will need support to get free, it isn't an easy trap, but it is mostly a mental trap (guilt/shame).

You have survived it for a long time, which is evidence enough that you will be a fierce warrior princess once you escape.

Sending cyber hugs and strength xxx

Keep looking at those photos OP, that person is still in there

@FoolishTwat (I feel sad even typing your username, knowing it's a reflection of how bad your self-esteem is at the moment) your posts are heartbreaking. I am so sad for you that you've been experiencing such horrors from a relationship that should be bringing you love and happiness.

I have no real advice to offer, just a hand hold really. And to second PPs who have said to take baby steps, to work on building your self-esteem until you feel more able to LTB.

You sound like a lovely, caring Mum, your DC and SDC are lucky to have you. See if you can refocus some of that care towards yourself and perhaps, as a PP has mentioned, think about the advice you would be giving your own daughter if it were her in this situation and act on what you feel able to at the moment.

I think joining the gym is a fantastic idea; I always feel mentally stronger when I'm physically fitter. It might also give you time alone to think (if you want to - or to just think of nothing at all, if you prefer) and to plan.

and for you, do come back and update us if you feel able; perhaps there are some here who will be able to offer relevant and practical advice as you move forwards - as I have faith that you will. Wishing you the very best of luck, I truly hope that you will soon find the strength to leave this vile specimen and carve out a far happier, more peaceful future for you and your DC.

Hi OP, big hugs for you

Like you, I had been hovering on what to do and whether to LTB for many years.

There was another incident of sorts - as you well know, there always is one waiting to happen just around the corner - and following this and on the recommendation of MNetters, I read Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men’. This was in early July - 2 months ago.

This book really helped crystallise for me my understanding of why I had to LTB and I haven’t looked back. It gave me the extra prompt / insight to truly understand the abuse and why I had to leave. After reading this I couldn’t just keep staying with him and ignore / live with the ongoing harm to myself and my DC.

I have been quietly making plans now - plans I have never been able to see through before - and in 6 weeks time I will actually be LTB.

Anytime I have had doubts - or know I might have doubts coming up- I know I will cross refer back to this book for strength in keeping my resolution to LTB. I wonder if this book might help you too get over this line of indecision?

Thank you, I know I sound pathetic but your messages do mean a lot.

And dear god I nearly dropped the phone when I googled Lundy Bancroft's type of abusers. It was like reading blurbs written specifically about him! He seems to be a mix of types (I see him in the Drill Sergent, The Water boarder, The Sensitive and The Victim)

I am downloading the book onto my kindle now.

He is lovely again this morning, butter wouldn't melt. Strangely this is the bit I dread, the nice bit where I start to relax despite myself, when I know something will be coming up

@FoolishTwat
You don’t sound pathetic. You sound like a woman who is caught in an endless cycle of domestic abuse.
I stayed with my ex a lot longer than I should have. Believe me when I say it escalates. I too stayed after being raped and ended up with a knife to my throat, him attempting to kill me in a car and throwing a boiling kettle over my face. I still stayed, until I finally realised that he was going to kill me. Genuinely, he would have.

No one can promise you that you’ll move on before him or that it won’t be hard to be a single mum. I can promise you that your life will come back though, your self esteem will come back and you will become your own person who makes her own choices. It’s truely empowering! Imagine choosing your own clothes and make up and being able to live your life free of guilt and walking on egg shells!
There’s a lot of support out there and it helps.. good luck x

Ps the nice bit is a well known tactic to keep you there! Please don’t fall for it, if he was nice then he wouldn’t do these things to the woman he loves! See him for what he is, a cunning abuser. He has a reason to be nice and that’s to keep you exactly where he wants you!

Your not ready to leave him yet, this is more common than you think. Doing the Freedom Programme would be a positive step for you and might help you see the damage being done to the DC.