To change my name...again

[halloumi2019]

Long story short, I hated my birth name, ended up changing my full name by deed poll when I was 22. Changed it everywhere, updated all ID, reintroduced myself etc.

I have been going by this name for the past year. I’m 23 now, and to be honest I don’t really like my ‘new’ first name. I just don’t feel like it suits me/haven’t got used to it. Don’t get me wrong, I much prefer it over my old name, but an adult name change is really difficult. I didn’t want to use the name of anyone I was close to, so ended up using an uncommon first and middle name. I still get people struggling to spell/pronounce them which is reminiscent of my old name. I’m starting to feel embarrassed about introducing myself and saying my name again. Some of my friends/family didn’t adjust well to the change which doesn’t help.

I don’t want to revert to my old name, I would change it to something else. But I don’t even know what lol. Obviously I didn’t want to change my name constantly and be fickle, but I do sort of regret the first name I chose. Would appreciate any thoughts!

I don't know about unreasonable but seems very weird to not now like your name. I'm imagining you spent a good deal of time choosing and thinking about the new one - how come you don't like it now? I wonder if it's just the change itself you're finding odd?

It will be a massive faff to change again and yes, I think people will think you're being a bit odd.

How do you know the next name will feel any better?

How do you know the next name will feel any better?

Haha that’s the thing, I don’t. And there’s a high chance it may not - I guess I’m just weird about my own name. My birth name was very weird/‘unique’ so there’s probably residual baggage from that.

The name I chose was Aria. It’s nice but it’s still weird. People still have difficulty pronouncing it, writing it, giving me random nicknames etc. So in some regards I still have the problems of my old and extra weird name.

Aria is becoming much more popular so I'd just stick it out. I think it'd be really silly to change it again so soon!!

Perhaps you should do away with a name altogether and just, I dunno, have a symbol or something? ♑️

If you don't even know what you'd change it to I'd stick with Aria for a good while at least. It's lovely and you may just need time. Wouldn't worry about people's misspellings - I have one of the most common girls names that ever was and is STILL misspelt by many - best friends, relatives - even a school friend with the SAME name. I mean wtaf??

People will give people nicknames - there's not loads you can do about that.

Aria is a pretty name, and becoming more popular. Presumably you had good reasons for choosing it in the first place.

If you don't know what else you'd choose as your first name then it's hard to see how changing again would help.

It sounds as though you need to get on with embracing your new name, and practise not being too bothered by people asking you to spell it/ getting the pronunciation wrong. It's not meant personally.

Did you ever have a nickname / shortening of your original name that you felt comfortable with and could use?
I grew up with an unusual name (think something like Esmeralda, with nickname Em), but now go by a nickname (that actually came about from a childhood friend being unable to pronounce my full name ).

I've had my birth certificate first 2 names for nearly 42 years and they don't feel.like me as I never use them. I use a shortened version of my name and always have. Folks always ask me to spell it as well. I've had 3 different surnames and none of them feel like they belong to me so I use a different name on social media. My 350 friends don't seem to care what my name is!

YANBU. The real issue here is how your name links to your sense of identity. Find something else that resonates and "try it out" e.g. get some understanding friends to call you by it/see what it looks like in print etc before committing to it this time. Don't change it because the new one "looks pretty" etc, change it to something that feels like you.
People who have never legally changed their first name won't really understand this whole thing, so I'm not sure putting this to a vote was the best plan. I never tell anyone I've changed my name unless I have to, because there's a bizarre stigma associated with it.

This is how I found mumsnet, was checking out the baby naming threads for suggestions for my new name.

I think you have to do what makes you the most comfortable. I really like Aria, but only you will know if it is 'you'. While changing it again might raise an eyebrow or two, you only live once so I wouldnt let other peoples reactions stop you.

How about just adding in a new middle name and then going by that?

I've finally picked a new name after much deliberation, I thought if I had a daughter what would I call her, and then stood infront of the mirror to see if it looked like me!
I'm living with it for a while before I deedpoll it officially.

Haha being nameless would solve my problems!

Thanks for making me feel better. I do like the name but I sort of feel indifferent about it as my name. It has its own strange quirks that I didn’t foresee, another eg people have assumed I’m generically European based upon the name, find myself having to explain my ethnicity! It’s so awkward when I in reality I just ‘deed-polled’ the name.

I have a name in mind. It’s my middle name but changing the ending slightly (example Katy vs Katie) so it wouldn’t actually be much of a change. But yep absolutely a faff after I have already changed it once. Think I’ll try it out as you have suggested before committing!

@WhatTiggersDoBest your post really resonated with me, thank you! Probably do need to work on my sense of identity. Yes, changing your name as an adult is such a strange journey that others won’t relate to. I have been lucky enough to avoid the stigma, most people that knew my old name weren’t surprised that I changed it, it was that bad!

@Treaclebee thank you! Think I’m going to do the same as you for a while and see how it goes. How have your friends/family/partner reacted to your new name?

Go for it! I voted yanbu, as in yanbu to change it again.

Write it down to see what it looks like too.

I don't know honestly. Do you have to carry both deed polls with you and make a note of the name change on official documents? It might look suspicious to some people, like you are a con artist or trying to hide something. Especially if you decide to move to another country one day. I wouldn't do it, since you might have the same problem with the next name as well. Try going by a short version of your name (ie Ari or Ria) but that's as far as I would take it at this point.

How you feel about your own name is such a personal thing - I think it must have been a huge step for you to change it officially, so I'm not surprised you still feel a little unsettled or unsure about it.

I really like Aria, so think it's a lovely choice, but as I say - this is about how you feel about your own name. I think changing it again officially so soon (especially when you don't have a firm idea what you would change it to at this stage!) would be a mistake. If you do decide to be called something else, I would introduce it slowly, to one group of people at a time (i.e. close friends first, then work colleagues, then family etc.) and see how it feels to be referred to as 'new name' for a while, before heading straight to the 'Deed Pole Office' (or whatever it's called!)

The name on my Birth Certificate is Elizabeth, but I have been called variations in different situations and at different ages - I was Lizzie as a little girl, then Liz as I became a teenager, always Elizabeth officially (and when in trouble with my DM when I was younger!) and sometimes at work (I usually introduce myself professionally as Elizabeth as I see it as more 'grown up' than 'Lizzie' for example), my sister sometimes calls me Betty or Bets and in my last job my Boss started calling me Betsy one day and it's stuck! You could get 5 people together from various different areas of my life (work, friends, family, neighbours etc.) and ask them do you know Elizabeth Smith? and it's probably only my family who would say yes! However, show them a photo of me, and they would variously reply; "Yes! that's Betsy/Liz/Elizabeth/Lizzie/Betty/Lillibet/Liz-bet!" Apparently there are over 90 variants of Elizabeth, and I'll answer to most of them!

I'd just stick with Aria for now. I think because you've changed your name, your mind sees this as an 'open door' and is constantly thinking that changing it is an option, whereas for most people because they haven't seriously considered changing their name and the process involved, it just doesn't cross their mind that they even could decide to change it if they wanted to - if you see what I mean?!

Just to add - I changed my surname (let's say from Jones to Davies) by deed pole when I was 15 (to the same as my DM and Step-Dad) as I had been referred to as Davies since they got married when I was 5. No one ever called me by my birth surname, but officially, I was still a Jones on my passport, Building Society etc. and I particularly wanted to make sure that my GCSE certificates said 'Elizabeth Davies' rather than 'Elizabeth Jones'.

It's totally different to changing your first name, I think. I just wanted to comment in terms of the paperwork involved - for example, when I got married and I wanted to change everything (bank account, phone contract etc.) into my married name, not only did I had to enclose my marriage certificate, I also had to send off my birth certificate and change of name deed pole document. I've also had one occasion (I think it may have been for a visa to travel somewhere) when I had to get someone who was not related to me, but who had known me through all of my various names (so since I was 4 and I'm nearly 40 now!) to write a letter and sign a photo confirming I was who I said I was!

As you will have already found, changing your name comes with lots of paperwork and can cause a real faff in various life-admin situations, so just imagine this times 2 if you were to change it again! In fact, it's probably more than twice the hassle, as people are more likely to be suspicious of non-marriage related name changes, particularly when there are more than one and especially in a short space of time. Just something to think about...

If the name you want is your middle name already (or close enough), I might not legally change it if I were you. I might just go by A. Katharine (whatever) from now on instead of Aria K.

its a really big shift for someone to change their name. It is however a whole loss of identity which can be given little proper thought and have an impact on so many things. It is such a simple throw away process to change ( a deed poll isn’t even a reall thing just a witnessed paper saying call me this not held anywhere) and doesn’t deal with underlying issues. Have you thought about counselling before deciding to change again ? They make people have counselling before plastic surgery so they are aware it can be difficult to acclimatise to a new face even if they hate the old one. It’s not dissimilar

I strongly suspect that changing your name again wouldn’t be the end of it. Make your peace with Aria and concentrate on more important things.

Is there a nickname of Aria that you feel suits?
If you started signing cards / e mails as Ari or Ria?

I changed my name at 18 (original was terrible!), and had frequent bouts of “namer’s regret” until I was about 25.

It took ages to really feel like the new name was mine.

I experimented with different nicknames, and did consider changing it again, but I always thought if I changed again it might never stop!

I stuck with the name I’d chosen - it’s not what I would choose now tbh but it’s fine, and feels like me - I’m 41 now so it took a while!

It’s a difficult choice.

You have chosen something that is very on trend, it might be popular now but how many babies were called that 23 years ago? You could try a new name out for a few months before doing anything official.

Don't get a tattoo will you OP

Did you watch pretty little liars by any chance? I love the name OP

Please don't focus on it too much. A friend's mum did much as you have done, and then again as an adult in her 40s. And again in her 50s.

She chased down that perfect name, was always trying to find herself, that perfect label that would fulfil her and make her happy. Now in her 80s she goes by her birth name again and is very sad that she wasted her adult life being so inward looking (from out here she was an incredibly selfish, sefl centred woman) and that it blighted all of her relationships - 2 husbands, 3 kids etc.

Oh... she retrained in her 50s, became a paralegal.That seemed to be a turning point for her.