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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be angry with BIL

14 replies

Domesticgoddess304 · 03/09/2019 22:45

So this sounds like it is about posting pictures of people’s kids on social media but is really more about my BIL’s response.

My sister has recently had a baby. We are very close, she has always had a great relationship with my DS and has posted pictures of him on Facebook numerous times over the years. She has never asked permission, but as I am fine with it this has never been an issue. Fast forward to her daughter. She posted pictures of her on fb just after she was born. I recently posted a few pics of her daughter and me on fb. I didn’t ask, I usually would if it was a friend but assumed (wrongly) it would be fine, given the history with my DS and her pictures.

I wake up in the morning to find a message from my BIL, sent late at night on our group chat, saying he was ‘very uncomfortable’ with me sharing pictures without his ‘permission’ and asking me to take them down. I found the tone of his message extremely rude and it really upset me. My intentions in sharing the pictures were only to show my friends and our family abroad how proud I am of my DN.

Am I being unreasonable to think he could have expressed himself more politely in asking me to take them down? Am I also being unreasonable to think he or my sister should tell people about this rule upfront? I am also pretty upset my sister didn’t take umbrage at his tone, if my DH spoke to her like that I would go mad and insist he apologise. All she has done is say it is her DH’s view not hers but she has to respect it nothing about the way he expressed himself!

OP posts:
Halo1234 · 03/09/2019 22:54

Yanbu. At the least he could have messaged u privately. Why put it on the group chat. Or he could have got your sister to tell u. Or mentioned it before hand. Plus the baby is on social media so how were u to know added in he know his wife posts pics or your son. Its ott an out of order. Sounds like he is enjoying playing papa bear and stamping his parental authority around. I think u are owed an apology. Having said that now that he has said it I would take the pics down and not post again. Dont let it grow arms and legs and cause a big fall out though. He is just being a bit of a silly new dad trying to show he is in charge. Comes from insecurity and wanting to feel in control if u ask me.

jesuschristwtf · 03/09/2019 22:57

He sounds like an idiot who’s marking his territory. I would be annoyed at my sister too.

HennyPennyHorror · 03/09/2019 22:57

Yanbu there's no need for rudeness. I asked my friend to remove pics of my child but in a kind way....she wasn't offended. Maybe your bil is a bit of a bully?

Happyspud · 03/09/2019 22:59

Your sis was the one who should have told you. And apologetically since she merrily posts pics of your kids.

Is she a bit intimidated by him? He doesn’t really sound like a good guy from that incident.

BarbariansMum · 03/09/2019 23:08

Well just because you are happy with your dsis sharing pictures of your son, that doesn't mean that your BiL is going to be happy with you sharing pics of his dd. One doesn't automatically lead to the other. You assumed and I guess your sis hadn't actually discussed it with him, or they both assumed that they were on the same page. I would take them down and try and let it go, unless he's normally rude.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/09/2019 23:09

I'd reply to your sister about it rather than discuss it with him.

It is very unreasonable to have an issue if they post pics of your dc!

MrsRufusdog789 · 03/09/2019 23:16

You are not being unreasonable . And your BIL owes you an apology. You did nothing wrong as family policy to date has included sharing pics .
Your BIL sounds like he'd be happy as a silverback gorilla beating his chest in the jungle. Put the whole thing down to too much testosterone.

Domesticgoddess304 · 03/09/2019 23:16

Just to clarify I immediately took the pics down and replied to him that I was doing so. I don’t have a problem honouring his wishes in this but with the way he expressed them.

I might talk to my sister but she is a bit fragile and anxious with a new baby and I really don’t want to upset her.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 03/09/2019 23:18

If reply
“Understood. Now can (sis) remove all pictures of my child too.”

Fuck it. It doesn’t sound like you have a problem with this but if you did you should have addressed it sooner.
But I would now develop a problem with it.
Or perhaps
Say
“I will remove the pictures when you ask properly. Manners cost nothing.” But I am a horrid person who likes nothing more than conflict.

pallisers · 03/09/2019 23:30

you did the right thing removing the pictures.

Don't bother your sister with it if she has just had a baby.

Maybe text or call your BIL and say "you know you could just have texted me asking me to take the photos down - I assumed I could put up pics of my niece same as my sis does with my kids. Fairly reasonable assumption.

Winterlife · 03/09/2019 23:45

I would block him to express my displeasure.

Cherrysoup · 04/09/2019 00:03

Ask him to remove all pics of your child then. Your sis has had a baby, yes, but she can’t be oblivious to the disparity going on here.

LightDrizzle · 04/09/2019 00:44

I think you are right not to escalate this given your sister has just given birth.
Also, I'd cut BIL a bit of slack too, he wasn't aggressive from what you've shared, he just sounded like he has got a stick up his arse, but that sometimes happens when people try to be very careful with their words, - and the written word can miss the intended tone. He probably said he was "uncomfortable" to keep it about his feelings and not your actions, so as not to accuse you of being a twat basically - which you weren't.
Anecdotally, I think concern has grown massively in the last couple of years about issues of consent and other ramifications of posting pictures of children online, so it's possible that had they had a child three years ago, it wouldn't have been an issue.
I agree with your sister that it is an issue where right of veto should apply, and although BIL hasn't just given birth and hasn't had the hormonal maelstrom, he has just become a (probably sleep-deprived) father and so might be being a bit precious.
I also don't see why people are suggesting tit for tat. Surely if OP and her DH are happy to have family share images of their children, that is independent of other people's preferences? It's okay for that to be their preference and okay for BIL to follow his.
I'd let it lie and be the bigger person. It's a massive adjustment for them both and he might be feeling a surge of protectiveness for this terrifyingly tiny creature. If he's still being an arsehole months down the line, speak up, but to him, not your sister.

LightDrizzle · 04/09/2019 00:45
  • I share pictures of my children online, - so that's not why I'm not gunning for him.
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