Using DC as pawns

[user87382294757]

It's horrible when people use DCs as pawns after splitting up. I was speaking to a mum today who just seems to thrive on the drama of it all. She mentioned her son is now having problems with anxiety but seems totally unaware of how the behaviour of her and her ex might be causing this.

They seem to use their son as a kind of pawn to get at each other. For example, this summer she has allowed him / helped him to dye his hair random bright colours knowing the school won't allow it, and is acting surprised the school have sent him home, and is telling her ex he needs to use a dye on it or shave it.

Then, she is saying the ex is keeping her son home from school in Inset days or the days of the week he has care of him, and the school have contacted her about it. This is because he has another son from another relationship who is at a different school with no Inset on the same day or something.

Anyway, every time I see her it is more of the same drama. i feel really sorry for the son, AIBU or so people use DC as pawns when they split up to get at one another?

Yes you are being completely unreasonable.

This is one situation which you have limited knowledge of. Even if these parents are using their children as 'pawns', how can you extrapolate it to what other parents do?

IME, breakups are hard and messy. Both parents rarely end up with equal parental roles, and that's sometimes deeply unfair, and potentially damaging to the children.

Sometimes couple co-parent well, but it's challenging.

But to assume, as a generality that couples intentionally use their children to get at one another is deeply unfair.

No, it has been going on for several years now, since the split. It is quite common - my parents did it to me as a child. Especially where they turn the child against the other parent. It is called Parental Alienation.

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children