To have to fantasise during sex?

[Lefields]

Been with DH 7 years now and we have a good relationship and sex life. He’s very considerate in bed and I do ‘get something’ from it each time IYSWIM!

But honestly, after 7 years I’m afraid I struggle to get massively turned on enough to really enjoy it without fantasising, otherwise I end up getting distracted and thinking about work, what we’ll have for dinner, did I remember to text so and so back etc.

So, I usually fantasise. Occasionally it’s been a male celebrity but also, lately about a couple of different men who work in the same building as me (there’s 1000 of us in this building and I probably see these men in passing once every couple of weeks, have no clue who they are and nor will I ever. But they’re attractive and we nod hello if we see each other etc)

Afterwards, I have the biggest feeling of guilt, regret and worry. I worry that this is a slippery slope in my marriage we’re mid 30’s, no kids btw.

I dunno, I guess I feel like our sex life should be like something out of 50 shades, or that it should still be like it was the first 5 years in where just the touch of him WAS enough to get me really turned on. That’s just not enough anymore

It's totally normal to fantasise during sex
Just don't moan someone else's name by accident.. !

I heard once that when two people have sex there are four people present.
The two who are actually having sex and the two they're thinking about.

So yes, perfectly normal

im pretty sure fantasising during sex is normal. I certainly do it. Not always about different people, but about different scenarios too. You dont have anything to feel guilty about.
I always think it doesnt matter where you get your appetite, as long as you go home for dinner.

But do you mean you fantasise about your partner or other people?

It's fine, totally normal. It'd be weird if all it took was pure reality to get you off forever.

both

If you really can only come by pretending your partner is someone else, then thats probably something a bit more serious.
What is it you find boring about your partner?

I don’t always have to pretend he’s someone else, but I have to be honest, he’s more reserved and ‘stuffy’ in bed than my exes and I realise now that I was more turned on by them in the latter stages of our sex lives because they would talk dirty etc.

I’ve told my partner I wish he was a bit dirtier in bed and he tried....but the trouble is, it’s not natural and confident so it just made me cringe rather than turning me on. The only time he’s talked dirty off his own back was when he was pissed once and it WAS a turn on but he acted so embarrassed the next day that I never mentioned it.

Sigh, so fantasising nowadays it is.

Could you get him pissed again and be very encouraging at the first signs of dirty talk?

Have you dressed up for him OP? I find that can make DP a little more ravenous cringe, what about pics to him also cringing? IMHO it can be very empowering and it gets them to a different level.

I feel left out that I do not fantasise during sex. Maybe I’m not normal!

I am shocked that so many people are imagining other people in bed.

I honestly didn't realise this was a thing and now I am wondering who my DP is having sex with in his mind.

@OpenYourEyes me too!!

I've often had to imagine other people, or have found myself doing so. And at other times, it's the partner I'm with.

Just so long as no one starts murmuring 'Sophie.... Ohh... Sophie..." and your name is Jane or something. I had a ONS once and he was still pining for his ex and this happened, I didn't say anything and found it amusing.

I almost never feel sexy or horny. Anymore. But what I have done occasionally with a partner who isn't likely to abuse having them in his possession, is to send suggestive photos and flirt heavily over text through the day. For me, a build up means more than just starting something without any forework.

Blimey I thought fantasising was standard practice? I'm fairly sure DH is dreaming of Christina Aguilera or the new girl at the support desk at his work when we're having sex, but it's okay as I'm getting the benefits...and I'm often wondering what it would be like to snog Cillian Murphy or turn Andrew Scott anyway.

It's just for stimulation and to help things along so you're not lying there planning a casserole, it's not real and it doesn't mean you love your partner any less. No need for guilt or self reproach.

IMO.

*Blutopia
*
Planning a casserole

Has nobody here ever read Nancy Friday!? What the OP describes is totally normal.

Definition of sex: friction and fantasy

Normal!