This is going to be long, I was just to put everything down so as not to drip feed as to why I feel like this. I’m hoping someone will tell me I’m being unreasonable and give me other ways to deal with this as I feel a terrible mother.
My oldest son is 22. When he was younger he was a lovely boy, he and I were very close we would have a laugh and he would talk to be about anything. He has always been very immature for his age.
He left school at 18 and went to college. His dad and I were very surprised he wanted to go to college because he hated school and wasn’t very academically, however, we supported him with his choice.
He met a girl when he was 19 and he started to change towards us, he was really cheeky, he would be quite disrespectful, he wouldspend his college money and wages from his job on rubbish, ie crisps, sweets, take away food and also give his then girlfriend money and spend it going to see her (she lives quite a bit away), then ask us for money. Eventually we told him we weren’t giving him money, the bank of mum and dad was closed, so he would then sit back and say “well that’s fine then if I don’t have money I can’t go to college or go to work”.
He wasn’t looking after himself at all, he has a very bad skin condition and wouldn’t apply his creams and ointments, his room became a rubbish tip, rotting food lying about dirty clothes lying in the room, and the smell from the room was disgusting. He would never clean it, at first I did it, however, i stopped, thinking he would clean it himself (he used to clean it himself) but he never did.
He eventually left college (said he couldn’t do the course, it was too hard) so we told him he would need to get a job. He wouldn’t look for a job, said he was looking but when we asked him for proof of this, he wouldn’t show us (we asked because we didn’t think he was looking), in the end a family member who works for a recruitment agency got him some work, but it was on an as and when required basis. He has been doing this for the last 3 years. He can go for a few months without any work, but he won’t claim benefits??
He moved in with his girlfriend for a few months, and to be honest, we were very relieved as the atmosphere in the house with him was horrible, however, he and his girlfriend fell out, so he moved back home. Before he actually moved back, my husband (sons dad) and myself sat him down and told him he could only move back in if he was respectful to us. He said he was sorry for the way he was in the past, and agreed he needed to change.
He changed for a couple of months, now he is back to the way he was before. He has a new girlfriend so I’m not sure if this is the reason why his behaviour has changed again.
We asked when we would be meeting his new girlfriend he told us we wouldn’t be, he has already told his girlfriend we are very judgemental!!!! When I asked him why he thought this about us, he said because we pulled him up about his swearing on Facebook????? He blocked his dad and I on Facebook because he was using foul offensive language and we told him to tone his language down as it was embarrassing, and to delete his dads workmates off his facebook page???? No idea why he wanted to add his dads workmates who he didn’t know on Facebook and no idea why his dads workmates accepted him???
Last night was the last straw, he asked me to put his medication cream on his back he went to sit on a footstool, but lifted the stool up to move it closer to me, and he he went to sit the stool down, he also sat on it at the same time, but he had placed it over my toes, therefore he had sat on the stool with all his weight and hurt my toe. He didn’t meant to do this, but when I happened, i pushed him off and started to cry as my toe was very sore (this morning I cannot move it, it is very red and swollen so I might need to go to hospital as I can’t put shoes on). When the incident happened, my son got very defensive and started saying I’ve not broken your toe behave yourself. I told him he doesn’t know if my toe is broken, he said we would have heard the bone snap. He then said to me, “I bet you go and tell dad I assaulted you”. I said don’t be so silly why would I do that, he then said “I wouldn’t put it past you”?????
This is because in the past, he threw a key at my face and one time he stood up to me when I told him to mind his language round about his younger (11 &9 yr old) siblings. All these things happen when my husband (his dad) isn’t in the house, and of course I do tell my husband and when this happens he sees my husband is angry and my husband speaks to him about this. In the past my husband has said he wants to put him out the house, but I’ve always been the one to not follow through with this, but now, after last night I actually feel like just telling him to go. I think he would go to his grans but I don’t know how long she would let him stay with her for.
I’m sorry this is long, but I’m actually crying because I feel like this. I’m not sure where we have went wrong. My daughter who is 20 has spoken to him and said he is being unreasonable and disrespectful us and we have only ever done the very best for him, but he tells her to shut up and doesn’t listen. Even his gran and aunt have told him the way he speaks to me is terrible and his ex girlfriend told him the way he spoke to me was unacceptable and he needed to take a good look at himself.
I don’t know what to do. Am I a bad mum for feeling like this?