To think friend is an alcoholic?

[Brot64]

Friend and I run together 5 mornings every week. However, for the past 8 months, with the exception of the summer months (we were away) she's been complaining/mentioning that she's hangover. Indeed she is always (by this I mean 4 times out of 5 times) hangover. She has jokingly commented that the only joy of a hangover is that she wakes up at 5am without difficulties (we run at 5.30am).

She's a SAHSM of 3 (divorced about 3 years now). I don't know if it's affecting her day to day life but 2 of my DC's were over at theirs yesterday. When I picked them up, younger one mentioned that, whilst they were having lunch, she was drinking a glass of wine (DC only mentioned this as she was wondering whether I love wine too). My older DS looked at me and simply said that she was plainly drunk, that it wasn't the first time and that it's okay anyway because she then falls asleep.

The thing is my and her older DC's can act or walk to mine in case of an emergency, but the much younger ones cannot ! Additionally, I am not comfortable with someone staying with my DC whilst drunk. If she's drinking 4 out of 5 evenings & drinking at lunch surely there's a bigger problem here? Am I BU to worry about her drinking and most importantly to want to address it? I rarely drink so not sure whether I am overreacting. DP says to mind my own business, continue the running but stop taking DC to her. However she is and has been my friend for over 10 years. I don't want to lose her & don't want my DC to lose their friendships over this. If there is a problem surely it's better to help her get some help rather than ditch her because addressing it would be intrusive?

I would do as your DP says, stop sending the kids but keep up the friendship and running.

It's a very difficult subject to broach and she's unlikely to react well to it. If you do want to raise it, I'd do so when she talks about her constant hangovers - ask if she's OK as she seems to be hungover an awful lot.

I wouldn't mention what your DS said as she will likely be embarrassed and switch to anger. Best to just plant the seed that you think it's weird that she's hungover constantly.

If she is hungover several days a week and drinking wine at lunchtime until she falls asleep while her (and your) kids are there, then yes, I think she is almost certainly an alcoholic.

I would probably stop sending the children to her house, at least for any length of time longer than a hour or so, but I agree with the PP that she's unlikely to react well if you broach the subject of drinking with her directly. But you could say something like 'Are you OK - you just seem to be hungover a lot these days. I don't think I'd be able to manage that - is it not hard to feel rough so often?'

@Bibidy thank you. I will do that however reluctantly, as I feel I am failing her as a friend in some way if I don't address it. It's also very difficult to explain to DC's that they wouldn't be going over anymore and then to keep making excuses to friend as to why DC's have abruptly stopped going over.

I would be blunt and ask her why she is always hungover and would she like to talk about it ? You can be supportive but honest. I would ease back on the children going round just for a bit till she is sorted.

Have hers round to yours more I am assuming school will be back soon so the kids won't be mixing at houses as much.

@incognito1976

Thanks. I will take that approach tomorrow morning. I get that it's a sensitive subject and she probably does not believe/know that she has a problem. But how to significantly reduce or completely stop DC socialising with hers without having to explain why. She might not immediately notice as schools will be resuming and we will be busy but after a few weeks and us declining sleepovers etc she is bound to realise that I am avoiding DC's being at hers.

This is very difficult, but if she's pissed at lunch time then yes she's likely gotman alcohol problem.

I think this is wider than the friendship though. You're indicating she has young kids, how old are her children? Because there may be a need for intervention if she's drunk and sleeping and not capable of looking after the kids.

Have you been there and seen for yourself? Right now you seem to be only going on a comment from your kids, a one off, and comments from her on a hangover, but don't indicate you've ever witnessed anything?

@Bluntness100

Her kids are 5, 9 and 13. The older one is at ours quite often but has never mentioned anything. I have not personally witnessed the day time drinking. Before the summer there were a few times when I picked DC's up around 6pm ish and she was having a glass of wine but certainly not drunk and I couldn't tell how many glasses she'd had. She has also collected hers from ours and on occasions mentioned that prior to pick up she had a glass/ two. Again she wasn't drunk, wasn't driving and was without the kids so didn't think much of it as it was some free time for her.

So yes, aside from the statements by DC(older DC says this is nothing new), her own comments and me smelling the alcohol on her every morning, I don't have further evidence of her drinking.

@Mrsjayy my initial thought was to be blunt about it. However, as mentioned here it is a sensitive topic so it might not be the best approach. Yes schools resume this week which will help, but we cannot avoid her for too long without her noticing.

I didn't mean to be blunt blunt but straightforward iyswim ime it is the best way you can be sensitive but get to the point she is clearly drunk more often than not which isn't healthy.

If she's mentioning the hangovers to you, she's either opening a conversation about her drinking or she doesn't think it's a problem. Either way, next time she says it I'd slow the pace and ask her about it – along the lines of "you've been saying that a lot recently, is everything ok?"