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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really pissed off over what DD father said?

28 replies

Dknew · 03/09/2019 00:46

Me and my DD's father are no longer together, we're on civil terms. He pays minimal maintenance and has DD for one night a week. He collects her at 4pm and drops her off at 9am. I have offered more visits, picking her up earlier to spend more time with her etc and hes not interested.

He told me he is starting to think about getting back into dating game, this I have no problem with (why would I?). He then went on to say he is more interested in single mothers, because "only they can truly understand how hard it is to be a single parent".

He has her for 17 hours out of a whole week, a good 11 hours of that she is sleeping. He doesnt even know what hard is!

It was her first day of nursery today, and despite me messaging him to remind him, and sending him photos of her just before she went to nursery, he paid no attention. He opened the message and didnt bother to reply.

After a long and tiring week with a 2 year old who is being assessed for SEN, that comment has really wound me up!

OP posts:

Philmitchell · 03/09/2019 00:51

What an absolute arse!

PumpkinP · 03/09/2019 00:52

Yeh that really wouldn’t bother me, if that’s the worst thing he’s said then I think you are lucky tbh!

Original poster

Dknew · 03/09/2019 01:00

It's by far the worst thing hes said! I didn't think anything else was relevant to this post. We have moved on since then and became civil.

As I said in the original post I had a tiring and extremely challenging week with DD, while he has her for 17 small hours. I thought the comment took the biscuit a little bit considering he hardly does any parenting.

I am open to being told I'm over reacting though! The whole reason for positing in AIBU.

OP posts:

Jollitwiglet · 03/09/2019 01:06

I can see how that would be extremely annoying. Perhaps he didn't get the reaction he hoped for when he told you that he was going to start dating again, so deliberately tried to wind you up with a comment that he knew would get to you? Why else would he feel the need to tell you that he is going to start dating again other than for some kind of reaction?

Original poster

Dknew · 03/09/2019 01:14

I meant it's by far not the worst thing hes said.

Yes, I was also thinking that, Jollitwiglet. Thank you for everyone for your responses

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 03/09/2019 01:16

Its really not worth getting worked up over.

SpotlessMind · 03/09/2019 01:22

I think you did well not to laugh in his face and say ‘on what level will you relate to a single mother then?’. If I met a man that only saw his child for 18 hours a week (the majority of which I assume they are asleep) I would have no truck with him trying to empathise about the challenges of life as a single parent, life of Riley more like!

ReanimatedSGB · 03/09/2019 01:47

On the other hand, you could think of it as a nother reminder how right you were to bin this silly sod.

mathanxiety · 03/09/2019 01:50

He is so selfish. He wants to date again, seeking a woman in particular circumstances, so that she can see him for the god he fancies himself to be...

Wonder if he was already dating someone and she ended it because of his self pity related to DD?

Brandyb · 03/09/2019 01:59

Yeah, he's a knob, but the more cutting and difficult part for OP is his flakiness/lack of interest and how to have a character like that in your daughter's life and manage her expectations

mathanxiety · 03/09/2019 03:16

Your DD is very likely better off without such a self centered, grudging and irresponsible person in her life.

Coyoacan · 03/09/2019 05:28

My ex didn't contribute anything financially or in any other way after my dd was born and then I found out from a mutual friend that he was telling people he couldn't pay back what he owed them because he was spending so much on our baby.

As others have said, it could be worse, you could still be living with him.

Anytime I would start feeling sorry for myself and wish that I had someone to share my child-raising problems with, I would just picture him, imagine what he would say, and be glad I was on my own.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/09/2019 05:36

What a pillock. Does he think he’ll find a single mother who only has her children for 17 hours a week? Otherwise he might step children pretty inconvenient.

sittingonacornflake · 03/09/2019 06:19

Oh that's HILARIOUS!! Well done for biting your tongue!!!

I have to bite my tongue during my DS' weekly half hour visits because the crap he spouts is just bizarre. I just smile and nod and mmm and ahhh. I don't know what reaction they want from us

CupoTeap · 03/09/2019 06:24

He's got no idea, well if he does start seeing a single mum he soon will have!

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 03/09/2019 06:32

That would piss me off too in the mood I’m in with my own ex at the moment for a similar lack of insight from him. I wouldn’t lose my shit but yeah, what a cheek.

DoomsdayCult · 03/09/2019 06:32

I honestly do not understand why you think he was talking about himself or even single dads.
“He then went on to say he is more interested in single mothers, because "only they can truly understand how hard it is to be a single parent". “

In the sentence “they” is referring to “single mothers” not to him and not to single dads.

So why did you take it to not mean single mothers?

blackcat86 · 03/09/2019 06:37

Well I shouldn't think he'll get very far talking that shite. It'll sound good for the first few dates but once someone gets to know him they'll see how much crap be spouts.

EssentialHummus · 03/09/2019 07:10

It would be great karma if he did find a single mum to date, only to realise that she has her own kid more than 17 hours a week...

What an arse. I'm married, fwiw, but a huge source of tension in my marriage is that my husband consistently fails to understand what full-time care of a young child entails. "But I bath her!" Well done, your medal's in the post.

Tiredtessy · 03/09/2019 07:27

I would laugh at him and say once the single mother found out how little you are involved they would run a mile, I'm a single mother to and if he told me what you have above about the hours I would tell him what a shit father he is and never see him again, no decent woman would date him, also dont send anymore pictures or updates, he is a total loser.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 03/09/2019 07:28

What an absolute twat!! I would have replied with, "yes, I think that would make a lot of sense. Being a single parent is hard. But as you're so good at it and well practised with kids, I'm sure that you're more than ready to take on someone else's children too!" That should put the shits up him! He's only considered the sympathy part and not the actual responsibility. As he's clearly ready for more responsibility, perhaps ask if you could have more time off so that you can date a nice hot young guy for no strings attached sex. Point out that you definitely wouldn't want to date a single dad as you are far too busy with your own child to look after someone else's! Honestly though, what a total knob head! 17 hours and the kid is asleep for 12 of those!!

ChangeItChild · 03/09/2019 07:33

What an arse.

Dating a single mum might give him some insight into what a parent actually does....as he doesn't have a clue.

Just keep doing what you do OP, kids aren't stupid, as they grow up they see through useless parents eventually.

MrsSpenserGregson · 03/09/2019 07:44

Urgh, what a wanker. YANBU.

Who the heck are the 8% who think YABU??!!!!!!!!

Deathraystare · 03/09/2019 07:47

He has her for 17 hours out of a whole week, a good 11 hours of that she is sleeping. He doesnt even know what hard is!

Aah but he won't be saying that to those women he meets. You will be that mad bitch of a wife who begrudges him having any time with his kid(s) and he will tell them what a great dad he is!!!

ChocolateCakeAndRainbows · 03/09/2019 08:12

Anytime I would start feeling sorry for myself and wish that I had someone to share my child-raising problems with, I would just picture him, imagine what he would say, and be glad I was on my own.

Same situation and I do this. It really helps.

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