AIBU to NOT want to go on holiday with my single divorced parents?

[KateMcd]

My parents split when I was very young. They have both had another partner and those relationships ended so now they are both back to being single again in their mid-late 50s.

As I am an only child my parents constantly put pressure on me to go on holidays with them (I am 27). This is usually when I am single myself - so earlier this year, I went on hol with then bf and on another short hol with friends. As soon as my ex and I split each parent was asking when I could go away with them. Then when I agreed to go away with my mum and her family friends/their kids my own age, my dad had a strop about it saying I should now go on hol with him to even things out!

So I then went away with him for a few days to keep the peace about 1 1/2 months ago. I thought that is my duty done for the year. But no - now he wants me to go away with him again and I JUST.DON'T.WANT.TO.

I love my parents and will take trips with them throughout the years, do want to build future memories etc. But I am feeling really under pressure/overwhelmed to be their only holiday companion for the rest of their years - how do I respond to my dad - in a way that basically says thanks but no thanks for now? I don't want to hurt his feelings but I feel I need to assert some boundaries here.

The other thing is - I almost had a complete mental breakdown earlier this year. I actually suffered for ages before finally telling my dad I was dealing with mental issues. All I want to do is focusing on getting myself back on track, my career back on track etc.

Meanwhile he is messaging me saying 'I'd like to go to X city, as you've been before you can be my tour guide, let me know and we can start planning' and I feel exhausted just thinking about it. When he had a partner he went on hol with her and there was less pressure on me.

Oh good grief, I’ve had a bit of this from my mum.
I suggest if you can, get them both together at the same time and say to them both, no questions, here how it is, I’ve been unwell and can not deal with the holiday demands, I want time on my own etc,
How much holiday time do you get from work ? What ever the figure knock a few weeks off if they actually ask, do not get into a discussion about it, just tell them that you love them but will not be their plus one anymore

I finished my work contract last month and therefore am unemployed but applying for loads of jobs every day of the week. I have been invited to an interview. On top of seeing what happens with the job situation, I am waiting for confirmation of medical appointments. So actually, I can't just breezily go anywhere. And frankly, if I could, it would be to visit friends.

It's hard to say 'I won't be your plus one anymore' without making it clear they are obviously lonely hence why they cling to me. I don't know how to make it clear in a tactful way. But I feel like if I don't assert myself now it will be this way forever...

my mother actually booked a trip for us both without asking/telling me first and just announced it to me. When I said 'err?!' she said 'oh it's no problem, I can always cancel it.'

That isn't the point. It's the controlling nature of it.

I sympathise but you have to put a stop to this. Tell both of them when they ask that you can't commit to holidays while you are looking for work, then when you have a job say you haven't enough leave and can't take the time off. Be consistent, ignore any protests.

Btw, cruises are the ideal holiday for single people. They can do those on their own!

Thanks, I know you are right. Actually as I went on a trip with him in July AND he went on a trip with friends last month, I thought I was off the hook for the rest of the year. I feel they are being overly demanding and it is hard to deal with when I am already dealing with a lot.

My dad asked me to go on a cruise and I said I don't like them (true). He says he thinks it would be 'sad' to go on a holiday alone. I have done it several times as a single woman and loved it most of the time!

When I first tried to protest with my dad, he said 'but I just want to spend time with you :(' - I understand but how do you respond to that without sounding like a heartless bit*h?

OP you need to say NO, no explanations no excuses, just NO.

You can spend time together having lunch, going for a walk, inviting them round for the day. You don't have to go on holiday with them. This is just manipulative behaviour on their part.

Just steer them away from holidays with suggestions for a day trip that you wouldn't mind doing.

You sound more like the parent and they're like two needy children!

Hope you can tell them both without hurting their feelings too much, but them using you as a sort of emotional prop / companion has to stop before it complete wears you down.

Just tell them to go on holiday together !

I am going to have to be firm and keep repeating myself. The last time my dad mentioned a holiday, I ended up saying I just don't want to and it was partly due to his previous bad behaviour on holiday (true story). He said he was very upset to hear this although I said that regardless I'd be happy to go on day trips. In the end he wore me down and I did go away with him.

As I say, I don't mind an occasional trip with them. But the idea that I will now have to go away with them as an annual must is not really bearable! I feel it is just going to get worse as they get older.

Just say no. Tell them you’re not currently in a good place and them asking you is making you worse. YANBU.

Can you write them both a letter ( the same letter to them both so there is no favouritism) stating how you love them both very much and enjoy spending time with them, lunches, days out, etc. but you need to be your own person and spend holiday time with friends your own age. Obviously this will be in your own words and gives them a chance to absorb the information before reacting. They will still probably try to persuade you but at least you can re-state your position. You must feel really torn, but your own well being comes first here. Good luck.

Chunkers this is a good idea. It also avoids things said in the heat of the moment which can quickly spiral into an argument.

I told my dad this morning I cannot go on a trip with him now and he accepted it. But I know he will try again before long. I do feel sorry for my parents in a way - it must be a very lonely feeling not to have a companion they can travel with (but despite their good qualities, they both have traits that a partner would find it difficult to live with). At 27 I haven't had kids yet, but I can't imagine putting this level of pressure on them to go on holidays with me. I just wouldn't do it.

Your Dad sounds like a creepy boyfriend, ask him if he realises that. I'd dump anyone I was dating who acted like either of them.

There are lots of ways to have enjoyable holidays as a single person. You certainly don't have to run around finding them either - they should do that.

Also holidays aren't compulsory. If they don't like going solo, they could not go at all.

I get a bit of this and find a good way to deal with it is reframr it positively to things you can do and want to do.

"Thats just not possible dad. I live and miss you too. Why don't you come up on Sunday and we can go for Sunday lunch."