CF boyfriend and moving in

[vanillaicedtea]

NC as potentially outing. I need advice on what to do because I think he's a time wasting CF (and have done for a good few years) / AIBU? Is this acceptable? Help please!

One of my closest friends has been with her bf for a good number of years now (they are in their mid to late 20s). Both in good jobs, climbing the career ladder steadily. Friend (let's call her Shan), has been independent from her family and renting for nearly 10 years with friends. Bf (let's call him Dave), has lived at home his entire life, comes from a well-to-do family and has enjoyed being a mummy's and daddy's boy.

Anyway, Shan has wanted to move in with Dave for 2 years or so now. Dave has said he would like to move in, but has kept pushing it back. First it was finances, then he didn't want to rent, and now, after agreeing they would move in together early next year, he suddenly thinks the rent is too high and doesn't want to. (NB: the rent is very, very reasonable due to the location of the town they'd be renting in). Shan is understandably upset by this and fed up that it keeps getting pushed back. All her mates she lives with are buying property/moving in with their respective partners soon, so staying in the current rental isn't an option.

What advice do you honestly give here? He's been pushing back from committing for what seems like forever. Doesn't want to propose until they go to a particular county so it is "special", but hasn't booked a holiday there. Doesn't want to move in because rent is too "expensive". Doesn't want to buy a house because they aren't married. Doesn't want kids until mid 30s, and they own a house and they're married. It seems like a constant circle of "can't do this until this happens", yet nothing ever begins.

I honestly think he's just wasting her time at this point and has no intention of settling down. I was very surprised when I heard he actually was going to be moving in with her, but he now seems to have pulled the plug on that. I've always tried to not get too involved with my friend's lives and let them make their own decisions, with a little advice here and there, but I feel like she's getting the piss completely taken out of her at this point.

AIBU? Is he a CF / shite bf? And if so- what do I do or say? I'm unwilling to go on a tirade against him because I'm sure they'll be on good terms in a day or two, as usual. But I feel like I cannot stand aside and watch him put her through this shite over and over.

Help please!

Ultimately it is her life and her choice. There isn't anything you can do. you cant force her to wake up and smell the coffee anymore than you can force him to commit to her.

I'm afraid there's bugger all you can do but sit back and watch it like a car crash in slow motion. She's not stupid, she knows what he's like. The moment you say anything they'll both turn against you, and you'll be the bad guy. Sometimes you just have to let people make their own mistakes, and wait with a box of Kleenex when it eventually ends in tears.

If he comes from a wealthy family and lives in the lap of (relative) luxury, can’t Shan move in with them?

Or at least suggest it?

Bf sounds like a commitment-phobe. It's her choice though and her relationship. Is she actually asking for your advice? It doesn't sound she is.
She will need you soon enough when she eventually gets fed up.

Shan can't move in with them because they're religious and he wasn't allowed to stay at hers until recently even though he's a grown man and they've been together years.

She was and she wasn't asking for advice. Sort of half asking but not in a way in which you'd feel comfortable telling her to ditch him.

I honestly feel so bad for even starting a thread on it but I feel so awful for her and I hate seeing her upset or be strung along. But I know deep down I can't do anything about it.

Shan can't move in with them because they're religious and he wasn't allowed to stay at hers until recently even though he's a grown man and they've been together years.

Is he religious?

If his parents are devout, and have controlled his ability to stay over at her’s, perhaps this is relevant to the current situation?

She's not the one.

If your friend is asking your advice at all, she's really only asking, "How can I make him do what I want?"

But maybe a better question should be, "WHY do I want him to do something even though I know he doesn't want it?"

People who love people don't force them to live in a way they don't want. Her bf clearly isn't ready for marriage-kids-buy-a-house level commitment. So, she will need to make other plans. She needs to find an alternative person to share the rent, or find a different place she can afford alone.

She also needs to decide if she really wants a bf who doesn't think sharing a home with her is the best idea since sliced bread - but that's something she'll have to decide for herself.

He isn't religious. I've often wondered if they're as religious as he makes out, or whether it's a good excuse so he doesn't have to do something he doesn't want to. It directs her annoyance from him onto them if so.

I think Flamed the reason why she's not arrived at that view is because he tells her repeatedly he wants all those things. It's just when it comes down to it, there's an issue. It wasn't even a month ago that he told her his parents were excited for them and he couldn't wait to live with her. Then this happens.

I'll just have to keep my mouth shut and hope she figures it out on her own. I know she'll be devastated but as everyone has said, there's nothing I can do

I never read 'let's call' posts.

@vanillaicedtea, He sounds awful , and a massive time waster. Let's hope your friend figures this out before he wastes more years of her life.