To ask what your rules/routines and boundaries are for your 12 year old ?

[Lemonsaretheonlyfruit]

To ask what your rules /routines are for your pre teen DD/DS ?

Now that the summer has passed and DD (12) went back to school this morning, I think I need to instill more of a routine and some more non negotiables as things have slipped over the summer. The summer holidays have been spent half with me and half with their DF as we are no longer together, so lack of routine together with 2 sets of rules doesn't help. I have a good enough relationship with my ex for us to make sure that we are largely on the same page between our houses and anything I implement in my house will generally be backed up there.
I am not home from work until 6 on 2 days a week, they are with my ExH one night a week and I work from home 2 days. I have a younger DS (9) but he is still in after school clubs anyway.

DD is generally lovely (though definitely becoming more hormonal, mood swings and quite headstrong), but didn't do that well in her end of year exams. She is very sociable and definitely easily distracted by all that goes along by that. I think she needs more boundaries (i grew up in quite a dysfunctional household and so it's not always easy to know what's reasonable and what's not)

So can I ask...

What are your rules about what they do after school (all of DDs friends live close by as the catchment area is so small) ? Do they call you when they come out of school or is a there a rule that they have to come straight home and do homework ? if not is there a definite curfew or does it change from day to day?

Do you all eat together as a family every night ? (this would be my idea but not easy)

What chores do they have to do as a non negotiable ? (she was good at doing chores over the summer to earn money but I think that tidying her room and something like emptying the dishwasher should be done regardless ?)

What are your rules surrounding bedtimes on a week night ? (outside of the holidays it was generally in bed by 9.30 and phone back to me. Asleep by 10)

What restrictions do you have re screen time ? I have defined limits for DS but seeing as it's her phone, she really only gets it taken off her if she has overstepped the mark on something and at night time, but do you have other restrictions on a normal day so that they aren't permanently glued to instagram/tic toc ? She used to be an avid reader but that has really slipped.

Homework ? DD would say that it's useful to have her phone with her whilst doing her homework to look things up. What do you do ? She also has music on when doing it which couldn't have done and still concentrated but maybe some others can ?

One last thing. For the last 4 years she is done a drama related activity (different classes) twice a week but now wants to give both up. I'm happy for her to give one up, but I want her to do at least one thing outside of school. She's not sporty and these were the only non school thing she did. She has nice set of non school friends there too and it's great for confidence too so I am keen for her to continue. I ended up bribing (see also incentivising) her this morning to say that she can have something for her room that she has been wanting if she goes for the first time (I think she'd just chose to continue after that). Was IBU ? (I would help her find something different to do of her choice but we live in an area where there are long waiting lists for everything so I'm just not sure it could happen.

Anything else I should be considering ? Really keen to hear how these things work in other houses. Thanks

sorry first term not time

I'll be very interested to hear the answers to this. I have a dd12. Bedtime is about 9pm and her phone goes on charge downstairs. The only club she does is guides and I am keen to keep her doing this.

She is currently really good with homework but her phone is always close by!

We live in a village and she sometimes goes out to the park with friends and curfew depends on what we have going on at home. She also goes to meet her friend in the local town most Saturdays.

She walks our dog at least 3 times a week and has just started hanging washing out and changing her own bedding.

After school

Mine always come home, we live in a small town so it was usual to come home before doing anything. If they were going straight to a friends they would just text to let me know

Meals

We have never been a tea round the table family. DH and I are very late eaters (mainly borne from shift work) we eat about 10pm. Always fed the DC at 5:30pm ish when they were little, as they got older they could choose when to eat.

Chores

Never had a set list of chores for them to do. They just mucked in and helped out.

Bedtime

From about 12 I dropped the bedtime strictness and let them work out how to self regulate. If it wasn't working I would step in, but mostly they slept. Everything got (still does) get switched off when o go to bed around 12/1am anyway - WiFi chargers etc.

Screen time

I never restricted it by the time they were in high school

Homework

I never had any reason to intervene. They knew what was due and when so they just got on with it. If I had concerns I would have stepped in.

Activities

Entirely up the them.

I never had many needless rules. I have one DC in uni and one who just got straight A's in exams. I think with teens half the battle is knowing when you can let them work things out for themselves and when you need to intervene.

After school: she comes home by bus from the next town so it isn't so much of an issue - she and her friends have some time together then, but she comes home after that. Will see a friend about once a week on a school day.

Meals: we all eat together except on Friday when DD has Guides at 7.

Chores: makes her bed, empties the dishwasher, lays the table. Once a week she tidies her room thoroughly so that it can be cleaned. Also washes the car.

Bedtime: 9.15, but she gets up at 6.45.

Screen time. She has an app on her phone which restricts screen time, and she has bought into this. Most kids at school seem to have something similar, or at least her friends do. If she needs it for homework, I can unlock it (but it's usually a distraction).

Homework I don't really interfere with, and am gradually becoming entirely hands off. It's her problem.

Activities. She does Guides and trapeze. But there are loads of clubs at school, so she does at least 3 there.

After school...expect her to come straight home and to ask permission to do anything else.
Meals...expect her to eat downstairs, but this doesn't always happen as usually on ps4
Chores...none, but she does help out, if asked.
Bedtime 10pm.
Screen time..going to allow her on ps4 after homework done, then 3 times a week will be out sports activity from around 7pm till 9pm.. So realistically on those nights, she will be on ot from 4.15 ish to 7pm, so 3 hours . Other nights, could be on from 4.15 till 9.30.
Activities....I make her keep up a sports activityc3 times a week.

I have a DS (12)

After school - usually home unless there's an after-school, snack then homework before dinner. No XBox until homework done.

Football training twice a week at 6 so quick dinners those nights but eat as a family rest of time.

Chores - will help out if asked but think I need to do more on this one, especially relate it more to pocket money.

Bedtime around 10pm, screen time fairly open - now he's older I let him make more of his own decisions.

I'm definitely 'slackening the reigns' now he's nearly a teenager - some of his friends parents are really strict but I think you need to let them start making their own decisions!

DD is 11. We live in a little town...the size of a village really, in semi rural Australia. She has to be home by 4...school kicks out at 3...she often goes to the park or stays to "shoot hoops" or goes to her friend's house. Any later than 4 and she has to call to ask permission and let me know.

Bedtime...she's generally asleep by 10 though sometimes a bit later. She always gets up in the morning though...no trouble there.

No homework in her school till' high school. That's not till' 13 here.

Dinner...we all eat together about twice a week. Other than that she usually eats with me or me and DD as DH isn't always here.

My DD is 13 now.

After school:

No specific rules although DP works from home so is around, he will usually message me if she wants to do something if he feels like he should ask me, or he will make a decision.

Homework :

I generally leave her to it. Her school is quite strict and if it’s not done she will get detention. I would step in if it was becoming an issue but if she doesn’t do it and earns herself a detention then I’m sure she will learn from that.

Screen time:

Not limited as again it’s on her phone. However she does get it removed for behaviour reasons or if she was staying up ridiculously late.

Bedtime:

I don’t have specific rules for her I will generally go in her room at about 10ish when I am going to mine and tell her to ‘go to sleep soon’. I leave her to then do it. She’s never been a big sleeper and doesn’t get over tired so I cut that battle out a long time ago!

Chores:

One I am working on, I make her tidy her room and put her clothes away and tidy up after herself downstairs as a standard. She currently doesn’t do any extra chores but I think she needs to start soon.

Activities:

This is the only thing I am quite strict on. She is also doing a drama activity. I have had to change it recently due to the day of sessions changing at her old place. We had the battle as she wanted to quit but I have said no. She has done it since she was 5. She also does singing, but likes this so doesn’t want to quit. The alternative would be for her to just sit at home doing nothing. I want her to not be doing that. Also I want to teach her about committing to something and sticking with it. I did lots but kept nothing up and regret it now. She may choose to quit as an adult and that’s up to her then, but not yet.

Dc have just started secondary school.
I need to drive to collect them from school bus, same for their peers.
Phone time has minimal boundaries unless other stuff doesn't get done.
DC unload dishwasher and do some bedroom sorting.
Meals are eaten together.
Homework they need to sort out, too early to see how this will go. But they will have it daily so I would like them to sort out their own routine. They can do this at school if they want to.
They have lots of clubs during school day so none outside at the moment apart from music lessons.
Bedtime is 8pm but they are up at 6am and don't get back to house until 5:30 at the earliest.
Weekends are free at present.

After school

Ds gets the school coach home, so he comes straight home afterwards unless he has a club or activity at school. There is an app for us to track whether he is on the coach or not. Friends are welcome to come round after school, but because they are geographically fairly disparate, this would be something DS would arrange in advance.

Eating together

DS1 and DS2 eat together on the days that DH and I work late (2 weekdays a week). On the other two weekdays, I eat with both DC. On Fri to Sun, we have all meals together. DS1 will from now on cook one of those meals - it can be something as easy as pasta or burgers or whatever.

Chores

Make bed, put laundry in basket, cook one meal a week, clear table after each meal (maybe not the one he has cooked, now I come to think about it!), watering the pots on the patio in summer. Also, errands like posting letters.

Bedtime

In bed by 8:30 Sunday to Thursday, no phone in bed, it stays downstairs.

Screentime

I really need to sort this. DS has just discovered gaming and has just had a phone. Because it is new, we have let him use it more than we should. But we need boundaries in place as self-policing is not working at all.

Homework

Done without music, TV or phone on. DS likes doing it downstairs, but maybe in time he will do it in his bedroom.

Activities

DS has given up his musical instrument, which I am disappointed with, but hopeful that he will find something else, as he isn't sporty either. I have his name down for Scouts, but there is a waiting list. I want him to do at least one thing outside school too. He has another hobby, but that involves only one class a month.

At 12 I would expect helping to cook a couple of times a week and washing up a couple of times a week. The odd errand-fetching stuff from the shops etc. Tidying room weekly.

Screen time I still limit else nowt else would ever get done!
Activities-1 sport currently. There is time for more but it's up to them.
I expect a text if going to park after school or to a mates house.
Bedtime by half 9 in the week and playstation is removed if ANY aggro or rudeness towards me.Fucking hate that evil box and have come down hard to save my own sanity.
Homework- I help when asked but usually I leave dc to it.
I would love to see more reading but I can't force it.

After school

DD comes home straight after, and let us know if she was going to be late.

Eating together

We always eat together if we are all together for dinner I often get in late so then it DH & the kids, I eat when I get in. On the weekends sometimes don't eat together for breakfast/lunch as everyone is busy doing their own thing.

Chores

Need to do more about this will tidy room, and pitch in when asked. Did volunteer to hoover yesterday

Bedtime

In bed by 8:30 on weeknights, 8.15 if her and her sister want a story, no phone in bed, it stays downstairs.

Screentime

Don't really regulate this apart from to encourage to do other things, but will be good for saying I've been on this to long I'll find something else to do.

Homework

Really good at just getting on with it, has had a few panicked moments, where she did things last minute, I helped her with getting it done quickly before school, as I figured that's what you'd do with an adult who you could see rushing to get something done is help if you can. She's learnt from those few times to be more proactive in regularly checking the homework app.

Activities

Guides once a week & swimming club training twice a week.

I know what you mean about chaotic household and appropriate boundaries, I find I worry about being normal although it's actually the small things like clean uniform, not running out (or going to the shop immediately if you do) of essentials like toothpaste, toilet roll or sanitary ware that is most important to me. Oh and knocking on doors and respecting their right to privacy.