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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think most men would cheat

30 replies

Sorryihurtyou · 02/09/2019 12:30

After feeling lonely lately I joined a pen pal website thinking it would be great to chat to all sorts of people.
I’ve learned pretty quickly that women don’t want to chat on there only the men whom only seem interested in no strings fun off and online with the most married with the same story that there wife doesn’t want sex anymore. Almost every guy I’ve spoken to wants that even sending unwanted pictures/video and sharing there fantasy’s I was doing the school run this morning and couldn’t help but look at the men wondering if they do the same. It’s quite sad but my view on men seems different now

OP posts:

GinDaddy · 02/09/2019 13:17

I say this with real respect but I think there is some naivety here.

There are thousands of men like this. Men who use online platforms as a way to try and get sex. They’ll send unsolicited pics, unsolicited statements about their marriage, lie, create fantasy profiles...

Not all men are like this. You probably know this. But there’s a fair few who are.

I also think however so much of it is about men’s self image and silly insecurities that they should recognise is part of what’s holding them back from connecting with the person in front of them that they should love.

Conversely, when you get hundreds of posts online (including sites like this) where you get statements such as “I’d happily forgo it for the rest of my life.. I’d rather have a Digestive and go on my iPad.. can’t stand the thought of a man pawing me..” there can be a real imbalance with unsophisticated male desire, and the need for their partner to have the sex organ between their ears stimulated again (by them, or by themselves perhaps) before anything else

I don’t know. I’m rambling now but the Internet sure as hell throws up a lot of people who used to be the 11pm pub predators you could spot a mile away

Original poster

Sorryihurtyou · 02/09/2019 15:15

I do understand what you mean but when a married man of 4 sends you a video of self love you really do wonder what the males in your life are hiding

OP posts:

Boom45 · 02/09/2019 15:23

The men that would cheat are drawn to the bits of the internet that they can use to cheat, same as they're drawn to certain bars or clubs. So you get a poor impression of men if you're on a pen pal website.
Not that I'm say that lots (maybe most) of men and women have the capacity to cheat given the right set of circumstances. I see the appeal of an affair - bet it very exciting and I would really like to have the feeling of falling in love again. I wouldn't as things stand now, I love my husband, I'm pretty happy and I've got way too much to lose. All 3 of those things stopping me could change though - I think we've all got it in us...

Benes · 02/09/2019 15:27

No, not all men cheat or would if they had the opportunity to. Same applies to women.

Limensoda · 02/09/2019 15:34

I worked part time in a pub many, many years ago. I remember talking to a group of the regulars one night, all men who used to stand at the bar.
I knew them all. All but one were married and had kids. They were discussing cheating and every single one agreed if there was no chance of getting caught, they would definitely do it.
I said not all men would and they laughed and told me I was bloody naive and not to believe what men tell their wives.

TheNavigator · 02/09/2019 15:38

I have to say Limensoda the 'regulars' who prop up the bar in a pub are hardly the cream of mankind - its kind of what I would expect from that crowd.

Benes · 02/09/2019 15:53

Yeah the crowds that prop up the bar on a regular basis while in a relationship probably aren't the greatest partners to begin with.

I had a similar discussion with a mixed group of friends as a mutual acquaintance has been caught with his pants down (again) and it prompted a discussion about whether cheating in a relationship is inevitable .... specifically from a male perspective. The consensus was no..not all men cheat. The men in our group were disgusted by his behaviour particularly because he has a young family.

Fromablokespoint · 02/09/2019 15:54

Don't know whether to be smug that I don't or offended with the sweeping statement?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/09/2019 16:04

I think a huge proportion of people would cheat if they thought they'd get away with it, men and women. I have a friend who is outwardly the most middle-class, proper (married) woman I've ever met who on nights out has got up to all kinds of nonsense over the years. Scratch the surface and cheating is second nature for some people.

However, I also think that you can't let it shape or define who you are and how you behave in a relationship or marriage because mistrust and insecurity are damaging. Yes, some men cheat. Yes, some women cheat. But plenty don't. Plenty stay together and treat one another with respect and dignity even when times are tough.

If you frequent online dating/contact sites, you're going to come across a far higher proportion of dickheads out for a quick shag because that's their hangout.

Drabarni · 02/09/2019 16:07

No most men wouldn't cheat, as not most men do.
I don't know why they don't just have an open relationship tbh, no cheaters there.

LuckyAmy1986 · 02/09/2019 16:11

No most men wouldn't cheat, as not most men do how do you know that?

LizzieSiddal · 02/09/2019 16:12

Gosh that's such a sexist statement.

Of course not all men are sending videos of themselves to women on a website. I don't understand why you would make such a sweeping generalisation.

Some men have a dick for a compass, some men don't.

KickOffTheSundayShoes · 02/09/2019 16:17

I wouldn't trust any man fully. But that's just my personal view based on experience and I appreciate many will not agree! I never used to hold this opinion- it has changed with getting older and being genuinely shocked by the men I have known who have been unfaithful. Men who I absolutely would not expect it from. And rather a lot of them, too.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/09/2019 16:22

You're not really looking at an unbiased sample here, you're looking at people on an online penpals group...

TemporaryPermanent · 02/09/2019 16:25

I think there are few people of either sex who can rule out with absolute certainty that they would never, ever cheat, in any circumstances. I said two years ago that i would be happy never to have sex again, and now im doing extreme sexual things almost to challenge life and death to come and get me. There really are normal men and women who are sexually rejected in their relationships (though not as many as say they have been) and are vulnerable to losing their moral compass. I think the death of parents is an underestimated stressor in a marriage that can trigger weird behaviour.

But many people don't cheat, and the vast majority don't send unsolicited masturbation videos.

Drabarni · 02/09/2019 16:26

Because they don't. Many might, but many isn't most.
I never understand all this cheating and forgiving stuff, some people seem to go round in circles.
If you don't want monogamy don't sign up to it.
If you get with a cheater they will do likewise with you.

WhatdoImean · 02/09/2019 16:26

For what it is worth, in my opinion, most men will not cheat. Obviously some (many?) will, but so will some (many?) women. A lot depends on the individual, the relationship, etc.

That said, if you go to areas which a lot of people view as pick up areas (be they online dating, or a grotty night club at throwing out time), you will always get the regular arse-end of humanity types looking for a quick thrill. And by that, it can be both male and female who simply don't care if their partner of the moment is in a relationship, or if they are.

In effect, in those areas, you have already self-selected the type of people who will be there, are those looking for quick tumble.

Swirls1111 · 02/09/2019 16:26

I’m single. I get more advances from married men than single

Morgan12 · 02/09/2019 16:29

I think they all would if they knew they wouldn't get caught.

mothertruck3r · 02/09/2019 16:33

I think the more interesting question is "why do so many people cheat"? I think Esther Perel has some interesting thoughts on this. People are complex.

KUGA · 02/09/2019 16:54

I agree with Benes.

Original poster

Sorryihurtyou · 02/09/2019 17:18

I’ve come off the site as even tho it wasn’t a true rep of men I started to look at men in a different way. I had a primary school teacher who thought nothing less of sending me a dick pic completely out of context

OP posts:

whattodowith · 02/09/2019 17:32

I have unwittingly been the OW once before. She messaged me on FB to ask if I knew she existed, I reckon she’d had flown off the handle if I said I did but I genuinely had no idea. I met her DP on an online dating site and went on a few dates with him before she found some messages from me on his phone and decided to message me herself. Of course I didn’t think a man on an online dating site would be in a relationship, there was no sign of her on his social media either (transpired later that he had two accounts and used the old account to talk to me!).

Men can be incredibly devious. I was cheated on once when I was very young and again, the woman told me. He wouldn’t have told me at all and I had no inclination he was cheating at all.

Having said this, I have been married twice and neither husband cheated. Neither of them had cheated in previous relationships which I think makes a difference. The whole ‘once a cheat, always a cheat’ is probably true.

GreytExpectations · 02/09/2019 17:34

Op, you really can't make a sweeping statement like that based on what you experience on a pen pals website. People (not just men) who want to cheat will frequent those sites. It is quite sexist of you to say you now look at all men in a different way based on a sample you got from a website that most likely attracts cheaters. So no I don't think most men would cheat. YABU

ADUTT7 · 02/09/2019 18:06

I think there are different types of men. The ones to really avoid are the Alpha Males. They are the shaggers or the male world. Very attractive on the face of it but shaggers all the same. The lads who every girl wanted to go out with at School, the ones who put their mates before everything. They would. I’ve seen it over and over.

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