Looking for advice. It has taken me 20 years to write this, feeling emboldened by culture shift tho don't actually know what I'm looking for... Closure? I had a best friend at uni, totally messed up but lovely. I loved her dearly. She had one unsuitable boyfriend after another. One, let's call him Bob, actually seemed very respectable. However after a while, whenever we were out in a group and her attention diverted, would tell me he was in love with me. I would ignore it, for one I had very low self esteem and actually didn't believe it for one minute. I also desperately did not want my fragile and bonkers friend getting hurt. I put it down to stupid game playing on his part and ignored it.
My friend flat shared with another girl. I went over one evening. I had started work by this time. Bob was there that evening. We had a few drinks, I had no more than half a bottle of wine (not much in my student days) However I felt very unwell and unable to leave to get the tube home. My friend went to bed and her flat mate made me a bed up on the floor (futon if I remember correctly) I felt so unwell I got into the bed with my clothes on while others stayed up chatting. The next thing I remember was waking for a wee in the morning, walking across the floor and feeling 'strange' After a few steps I realised while I was fully dressed in skirt and top from the night before, my pants were missing. I found them in the futon bed and utterly confused, left the flat. My head was an absolute mess, I'd already been through an awful lot that year (bereavement) and I simply could not make sense of what had happened. I never saw Bob again. I can't remember if I ever saw my dear friend again, if I did it was only once or twice before I phoned and left her a message to say I needed time on my own. She was messed up, this would have confused her and messed her up even more, and I simply didn't have the language to admit what had happened. I suffered from flashbacks, I saw Bob in a dressing gown sitting between my legs. My arms were above my head and I clearly said 'no Bob, please don't do this.' I was paralysed and unable to move my arms. It was like a great weight held them down. I don't remember a thing else and then for years I didn't think about it.
However the last couple of years I think about it and him every day. He was serving the drinks that night and I know I was drugged and raped. That strange feeling wasn't just the absence of knickers, it was also the feeling of having had sex with someone wearing a condom (the lubrication)
I have a great life now but I had a very unhappy childhood. Predators like Bob certainly picked up on this. I feel angry about the impact this has had on my life, the loss of my dear friend who I had so much fun with (when I had no-one else), my inability to trust others and utter lack of self esteem. I had no friends or family and lived in complete isolation for a couple of years after this. I wonder if all the publicity about historical abuse makes Bob wonder/fearful. I hope so. He seems to be very successful and I resent that he may be flying high through life without a care in the world. I do want some sort of retribution. I want him to know I know and to hold him to account, so that I can put this to rest. If so what should I do... And how? Thanks for reading, this has been a long time coming.