To not have any sympathy for my friends

[DaiJai1066]

I very recently had an ectopic pregnancy and I’m really sad. This was my first pregnancy after waiting such a long time. A lot of my friends have just had their first babies and are really struggling but they keep telling me how difficult it is. I don’t live near my friends or family and my mum died a couple of years ago so I have nobody nearby apart from my partner. I don’t care how difficult it is, they have each other to talk to about it. I don’t know why they keep telling me even though I’ve told them it’s really difficult to hear. I hate that I’ve become so self involved and am being a shitty friend. I’m so jealous that they have what I want and I hate that I’m so bitter. Even if and when I do fall pregnant again, I won’t feel the excitement or the happiness because I’m going to be so scared it will happen again. Every day another person announces a pregnancy or has a child, I’m trying to avoid social media but I can’t avoid real life or all the pregnant woman, babies that I notice everywhere around me. Please tell me how I can stop being an arsehole to everyone around me and how to stop this pity party because I want to be a good friend, sister, partner and I’m failing. I think I’m also failing at making sense.

Trying to conceive and losing a much wanted baby are hard. Having a baby is hard. You can't understand at the moment what the friends with babies are going through. If they haven't experienced difficulties trying to get pregnant or experienced a loss then they cannot relate to your situation.

But when you do get pregnant it will get easier as you make the milestones and you will start to relax a bit. I'm sure you will be able to enjoy your pregnancy once it happens again.

I struggled to conceive (took 4 years) and I was exactly the same as you.

I just wanted to say you're not a bad friend for not being able to do this. Mostly I avoided people who wanted to talk to me about their babies. Or I did very brief "oh that sounds awful" and then changed then conversation. I wasn't a good friend but I just couldn't be. I have a friend now who is the same and has found it very hard to be close to me since I had DS. That's fine with me, I still love her - I'll be there when she wants to come back.
I did loose some friends over it though.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's so so hard

I am sorry for your loss. There's nothing wrong with the way you feel, in taking some time to look after you. Your friends are pretty insensitive imo to go on about it tk you when you've said you can't deal with it.

I can't say 'it gets better when X' as we are all individual but after i miscarried it took a while and i shut myself off from some (spectacularly in some cases) insensitive people for my own mental health. For me, i was able to feel it easier after i started counselling, i was genuinely happy when my friend who'd also miscarried several times got past 12 weeks. I must admit i was very upset and bitter about a friend's relation who drank and smoke throughout her pregnancy though.

In terms of conceiving again, you have lost that pregnancy innocence and it can be a very anxious time. But when it happens keep talking to those you trust and your midwife. I had great counselling help, which was a relief to hear my anxiety was normal.

Thank you for your replies. I know everyone faces their own difficulties but I guess I am tired of hearing about them. I’m avoiding most of my friends at the moment and this is making me lonely. I’m not sure how to get back to being me. I have to filter everything, where and when I go, things I watch and read, who I see and talk too. I’m not sure that’s it’s helping. Maybe I should just put myself in these situations and keep putting myself in them until it gets easier. When my mum died I bought a house, when after I renovated it I moved across the country. I can’t do those things again. But thank you for taking the time to reply.

You need to protect yourself. I had a friend who had miscarriages and a still born. It was horrendous for her. She opted out of celebrations for a while and only came to adult things. Maybe you need to talk to someone who has gone through similar?

Thank you. Maybe I do need to talk to someone who has been through it. Unfortunately I don’t have anyone. I moved to a place where my boyfriend lived and have only been here a couple of months. My work friends have no children. I’m also not very good at talking about my feelings. I just get frustrated when I’m upset.

Please don’t hate yourself for having those feelings. I think it’s perfectly natural. People should show more tact. Hope everything works out well for you.

They're probably over emphasising the crappy bits of new parenthood in a clumsy attempt to make you feel better. I really doubt they're doing it out of spite or anything. Sorry about your ectopic, I've had multiple miscarriages and it is hard.

As a mother with a baby under 1, to be quite honest, a lot of the time I'm so tired that when I open my mouth to make conversation the only thing that falls out is "I'm so tired" even if I said that five minutes ago. I don't do it on purpose but my brain isn't working fast enough to remember I keep saying that.

In the early days, in particular and especially if there were complications with the birth like there was for me, and still to this day when she's going through a particularly rough patch sleep wise or is ill, it can be the most draining experience a person can have. Depression is likely, the terrifying feeling that you've overestimated yourself and you can't cope is ever looming, and to be quite honest "having people to talk to" wouldn't make me feel all that much better as you seem to think it would, especially as people tend to fob your sleep deprived despair off with some joke like "you wait til they're doing X"... the opposite of helpful.

I'm not saying these things to say their troubles are worse than yours, I can't imagine what you're going through, but just to maybe try and give you a bit of empathy for how they're feeling. It IS hard, and they probably don't mean to go on about it, but it's a relentless, all consuming experience and their brains are probably not working very fast. It really isn't all sunshine and roses, I have never felt more pushed to the limit than I have at times in the last year.

That said, if it's bringing you down there's nothing wrong with you stepping back a bit and surrounding yourself with people who don't bring out these feelings in you. Just try to remember they don't mean any harm.

Thank you for giving your perspective. My issue isn’t with them feeling the way they do, I understand that it must be difficult but they have all had their babies within months of each other so I’m not sure why they can’t talk to each other about it. It’s already difficult without me having to hear about how their beautiful baby is crying or how lucky I am to be able to have a bath. Or hear them complain about their mums. I’m sure I will find it difficult if it happens to me but I can’t even see a future with children right now and I don’t want to be reminded of that daily. I feel sad when I can’t imagine the family days, the cuddles and now I’m mourning a baby as well as a change in friendship. Gone are the days of going out, spa days etc for them. They are part of this group of being parents that I’m not part of and I might never be part of it and I want that.

Sorry OP, you’re going through a really tough time. It’s nobody’s fault but still really hard to deal with. I would focus on taking care of yourself for the time being and opt out of conversations/events as you need to.

I’m sure your friends don’t realise the impact of what they’re saying to you (although that doesn’t make it less hurtful). Hopefully you will get pregnant again soon

That’s so hard to deal with. My son died 36 hours after being born. I couldn’t be around people who talked about babies. I had to avoid them for a long time and there were people who I didn’t see for a couple of years. Can you access any counselling? It’s very difficult to show sympathy for people who have what you long for. So sorry for your loss.