To still feel upset about my return to work after mat leave?

[mockorangey]

I returned from mat leave last October, when DD had just turned 1, and DS has just started school. A conversation I had with someone yesterday triggered memories of that first few months after I returned and had me in tears.

DS was struggling to settle into school. He was hanging off my leg when I left for work in the morning and sometimes crying during the day at school. DD was absolutely exhausted by nursery days, as we were leaving at 7.45am and I picked her up around 5.30pm. I was so flustered that I kept forgetting things, for example I would get to nursery and realise I had forgotten her shoes, or I would drop her off and realise I had forgotten to tell them she needed breakfast, and then I would be in floods of tears.

DS was ok in school by October half term, but DD kept getting ill and ended up in hospital in November with pneumonia. I felt guilty as I had left her with my mum the day before I went into hospital. She was regularly ill all the way up till March, getting some virus or other almost every two weeks. My boss was off on maternity leave, and my interim boss was supportive, but also would say random things like "Will nursery not take her when she has a fever?" etc. I didn't take loads of time off (except after she was in hospital when I had a week off), just the odd days as my parents did a lot of childcare, but I always felt guilty for it, and I never knew where I was in terms of whether I needed to take annual leave as my boss was never very clear about it. My normal boss had always allowed us "free" days for children being ill as she said we all worked extra hours anyway. Whereas the interim boss used to um and ahh a bit and say things like "well, it was quite a lot time, why don't you put two or three days down as annual leave". I don't think he appreciated that a virus to a baby/toddler isn't "just a virus, and that sometimes they do need their mum, and that DD didn't want to eat and just wanted to breastfeed. Before people ask, yes DH did some days too.

I still feel quite bitter towards work about it all. I had originally asked to use my annual leave to come back 3 days per week until Christmas, which would have lessened the pressure on me, but I was told no. Yet they gave me fuck all to do for months, and then when my normal boss came back after mat leave, she did a phased return of 2 and then 3 days per week! Sorry for the rant, it was just all such a shit time and I feel really conflicted about it all - I feel guilty about not being there for my kids, and it wasn't even like I was doing anything important at work.

It all sounds shit, but how are things now?

YANBU to still feel upset because that sounds rubbish. I don't know what the answer to things like this is. I do sort of feel like the law needs to offer us more protection around things like asking for flexible working, phased return etc. Also your work should have had clearer policies. However, I'm sure you were there for your kids in the important ways and even if the arrangement had been different, illnesses, separation anxiety etc. would still happened and been difficult.

@ginger1982 Sorry I should have been clear - things are fine now. DS had a bumpy first year at school but generally was happy. DD hasn't been ill for ages. And I have more interesting things to do at work now. That whole situation last year was totally unexpected and completely unlike my return to work after my first mat leave, which was much more relaxed in comparison. I am in the process of looking for a new job now though. Not really because of this, but it did put a bit of a shadow over working there.

I think you need to sepetate out what you feel bitter about.

The lack of phased return to work when your manager was granted that a short time later? Presumably she was granted it because the department had sufficient staff levels to cover - partly because you were back working? Can’t really blame work for that, just shitty timing - maybe she got her phased return request granted before you asked?

Or do you feel bad for not being there for DD when she was ill? I’m sure you were there as much as you could be and short of not working at all then I’m not sure if there is away round it.

I think there’s enough legal protection around parental leave etc, there are still some crappy managers who it feels like almost enjoy punishing you for having to take parental leave 🤨

But, I’m assuming you got through and everyone’s happy and healthy now, I’m not sure what being upset about it is achieving.

@Banjostarz Both I think. I resent not being allowed to do a phased return, as my mat cover was still there when I got back, and they had to find me something to do as there was no essential work available. I am upset that I wasn't there for DD. If I could go back in time, I probably would have gone to my manager and requested some flexibility again, based on both of those things. But I didn't feel I could at the time, I just constantly felt guilty that I kept having to take time off work.

Ah, I missed the bit where your mat cover was still working. That is a crappy decision your work made then. I’d have a good think about whether its an environment you want to continue working in - a change of place and scenery will stop you dwelling on it.

In regards to DD, everyday as a working mom is a balence between being there for your children and being physically and mentally present at work - some days we get it right, some days we don’t!

You know that you did the best you could at the time - thinking about what you would do if you went back isn’t helpful as you can’t change it.

You can put plans in place for the future - whether thats a good support system when kids inevitably can’t go to nursery/school due to illness or a different job that gives you more flexibility when needed.

Knowing that you’ve done everything you can so that next time is different might help you stop thinking about last year so much?